Relief

Although the approach I tried to take towards the ultimatum that I was presented with this time as opposed to last was a lot better, it did still cause me a lot of stress. The approach was healthier, yes. But I still struggled in finding a balance between enough food and too much.

Regardless; everything worked out! I gained enough weight so I am able to spend the night at home. I am able to enjoy myself tonight. Tonight will be celebrated. Tomorrow I will write a long post about how last year was for me and the goals that I have for next - you'll all have to wait and see.

I wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR! May all your wishes and goals come true. For myself, I only have one goal for the upcoming year: to gain my life back one step at a time and to ultimately be happy, because if I can achieve that, it means that everything else will have fallen into place.

A Quote I Need to Remember

"Perhaps most of all you deserve to be okay. You deserve to know that a day in which you can just barely get out of bed because you are sad, or sick, or simply not ready to see the outside is not the end of the world. You deserve to know that moments of weakness do not make you fundamentally weak, only fundamentally human, and that sometimes we're not going to be effusively happy, and that is okay" - Chelsea Fagan 

Another Ultimatum, Really?

Just like for the night from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day, the doctor's have given me yet another Ultimatum for New Year's Eve.

Why? I don't understand why they do this to me. I told them how stressful it was by being given an ultimatum like that; telling me that if I don't gain x grams, I can't stay at home and spend time with the ones I love. Last time I simply stuffed everything I saw into myself to ensure that I would reach their criteria. But the stomach pains that came from eating so much; the mental battle that I faced; the disordered behaviors that surfaced - all of that, the doctor's don't care about those aspects of one's recovery it seems. All they care about is the weight gain. But to me, that's not all. An eating disorder is so much more than just the weight gain as it has a lot to do with one's mentality as well.

I told the doctor's how hard last weekend was because of the ultimatum and how much pressure I put myself under just to make certain that I could go home for Christmas. Although I informed them of the situation and how difficult it was mentally - and physically, as I had severe cramps from all the food - the doctor's did not take any of my comments into consideration. Why? I don't understand.

This time, I am approaching the whole matter differently. I will not have a repeat of last weekend; that was not normal. I will simply eat my three main meals and consume my three supplement drinks as that is hard enough as it is. It should be enough, it has to. If it isn't, then I don't know what I should do as I can't force this weight gain onto me. Weight gain is something that takes time - it doesn't happen over night. It also isn't recommended to rapidly gain weight.

If I can't get night-leave for New Year's Eve I don't know what I'll do yet. But I will make a scene at the station in front of the doctor's as it isn't fair that others get to go home and I can't. All others from the station already know whether they are allowed to stay the night at home; everyone except for me. 

I'm giving it my all, and that should count too.

Christmas Cookies

Christmas Cookies have, for as long as I can remember, been a staple item when it comes to the holiday season. From the joy that comes from baking these wondrous, small little biscuits to decorating them in festive colors to devouring that delicious piece of pastry heaven to giving your own creations to someone dear to your heart - everything that springs to mind when hearing the phrase christmas cookie is positive and merry.

For most people, christmas cookies are something they look forward to enjoying. Well, not me. Instead of symbolizing something so grand, every single christmas cookie that I come in contact with terrifies me, exemplifying my eating disorder related thoughts.

Sugar, Butter, Flour, Chocolate - whatever the ingredient, you name it - scares me. They are all fear foods of mine. I know that it's irrational and scientifically incorrect, but I believe that just one bite from a cookie - the teensiest of nibbles - will lead to instant weight gain and make me fat. That's impossible, I know. But my disorder is still too strong and so those thoughts don't go away as they remain to haunt and torture me.

Because christmas cookies are, like many other things, a fear food to me, I find the holiday season more difficult to deal with as you are constantly bombarded with cookies and the likes.

Want to hear the good news? On Christmas Eve, I received a gift from my favorite caretakes down at the intensive station - we were able to uphold the relationship that we had formed. I was given a friendship bracelet (I had made him one previously) and self-made christmas cookies. Self-made christmas cookies. Did I freak out upon this present? Yes, but it did not hinder my actions, my thoughts or my doings. 

I look up to this person so much, and to receive the christmas cookies shown above in the picture turned my world upside down. These cookies look good, smell good, are self-made and a present. There's nothing negative about them. No matter how difficult it will be for me, I decided that I will finish off these cookies; all of them - one by one. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy them as well.

Happy Holidays

I was overcome with emotion - joy, relief, you name it - when I was informed that I would be allowed to spend Christmas Eve at home with the ones that mean the most to me. I had gained enough weight over the weekend and so the doctor's had to comply with their agreement.

To me, Christmas symbolizes a coming together of loved ones where you simply enjoy each other's company in various forms. Additionally, eating, and treating yourself to just that one little Christmas cookie that sits there at the kitchen counter, enticing you - signaling to devour it. During the festivities yesterday and today I really tried to let go of my eating rituals and to not think about what exactly I am consuming every minute of every day. It was incredibly challenging for me to follow my given meal plan though, especially because I had gained so much weight over the weekend - due to the copious amounts of food that were consumed in anticipation of the weigh-in that decided my fate for the night-leave over Christmas Eve. Yet I managed it all. I just thought to myself, screw those thoughts; it's Christmas, so go and enjoy yourself. You deserve it. 

And you know what? That's what I did. I enjoyed my Christmas immensely. 

I love them to death. I don't know where I'd be without them. Being able to spend Christmas Eve with them was the best present I could have asked for.

I love them to death. I don't know where I'd be without them. Being able to spend Christmas Eve with them was the best present I could have asked for.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas from the bottom of my heart. 

Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is my life back. I want to be able to love my body and myself. I want to be able to enjoy food and eat what I want when I want it. I want to forget about the scales, the numbers, the calories. Please Santa, I wish for this one thing more than anything else. Grant me this wish and I would be the happiest girl alive.

Eating out of Pure Frustration

Before I begin to compile my thoughts and vent about my boring old life, may I just say Happy Fourth of Advent everyone! It's amazing how fast time flies this time of year - it just goes to show just how much there is to do before the Big Day tomorrow. I can't believe it'll be Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve; December 24th - that's tomorrow. This is a day that you spend with loved ones. It is a day filled with joy, exuberance and festivities.

For me, it all depends on tomorrow's weigh-in. The head doctor decided on Friday, similar to an ultimatum, that if I don't gain x grams over the weekend, I will not be able to spend the night that is supposed to be so breathtaking - that I've been anticipating all year long - at home. How unfair is that? Possibly keeping me from my family on Christmas Eve. I hate how everything is so dependent on my weight and whether or not I gain y grams every time there is a weigh-in. Weight fluctuates, doctor's should know that too. Sometimes I really do not understand their reasoning.

Therefore I have been doing everything in my power to ensure that tomorrow's weigh-in goes by smoothly. Not only have I eaten my three main meals completely and consumed my three supplement drinks both yesterday and today, I ate extra - out of pure frustration at the world. I don't think I've ingested this much food in I don't know how long. I struggled with my thoughts this weekend - with my disordered behaviors - and feelings of uselessness and simply being 'fat' were not uncommon during this period. I think that it had to do with the guilt that came with eating all this extra food.

I did this all for tomorrow. If they don't let me stay at home on Christmas Eve, I don't know what I'll do - they can't keep me here. 

I really gave it my all; that's all I can do. I hope for the best

Cabin Fever

Everything was too much today, resulting in me having a good three hour sob and cry of despair session spread out throughout the day, from dusk until dawn. I could've set back and focused on the positives of the day, but I didn't.

• I gained weight from Wednesday - that's good, right?
• Today is the longest night which means that from now on, the days will get longer again.
• So far, the world still hasn't ended.
• I am allowed to go on night leave over the weekend.
• I was able to spend time with my brother.

The list of positives can go on but it wouldn't change me dwelling on having cabin fever.

Because it is the holiday season, many therapy sessions no longer take place; they only start up again the second week of January. This is everything but convenient. For me, these sessions, regardless of what type of therapy was emphasized during the period, were an escape - something that I was able to focus on during the morning and early afternoon until we are allowed to leave the station at 3 pm every day. From today, I can no longer rely on therapy to get me through the day until 3 pm - now I need to find other coping mechanisms and things to do. The problem is that I'm out of ideas as to what I can accomplish.

Being in the hospital since September, I have been quite successful at keeping myself occupied by folding origami, creating friendship bracelets and window colors, blogging and journaling, reading etc. Yet there comes a point when even hobbies become redundant and you are looking for change. Don't get me wrong, I greatly enjoy all the previously mentioned activities, but I need variety.

Through my countless temper tantrums as a result of this 'boredom' - you can call it that - I was able to come up with new interests with the help of my parents. It felt good to get everything off of my chest regarding this cabin fever and the impression that the whole world is collapsing. Together we came up with knitting - perfect for these cold, chilly winter months - learning to play the guitar, and continuing to paint with acrylic colors outside of ergotherapy.

I'm pleased with our ideas, yet am always open to new suggestions. Thoughts anyone?

Station Makeover

With the start of the holiday season, which, for the hospital, means the closing of several of the stations here at the psychatric ward, and the end of the eight week cycle here at the 6B means that a severe change was bound to happen. And it did.

Plenty of friends departed yesterday as they were part of the cycle; the goodbyes that I had to deal with were hard - tears were streaming down my face like a waterfall for one person. The friendships that I formed with them are strong and will continue to be upheld, I will make sure of it. Numbers were exchanged, final words of encouragement were spoken and the tightest hugs were given out.

As 6B is one of the only open stations during the holidays, why I do not know, a long waiting list has already compiled with patients from other stations wanting one of the few remaining spots here. It feels weird to have so many new people all of a sudden. I liked our community before; the closeness that had built between us all. Now, with new faces, new stories - new everything really - that community no longer exists as it has to be built up again, from scratch.

I feel very uneasy and overwhelmed with the whole situation. I wish that our station could have stayed the way it was.

Courage is a Necessity

Wise words were vocalized to me today by a dear friend of mine here at the station, who is leaving tomorrow; that - 

Having courage does not mean that we are unafraid. Having courage and showing courage mean that we are able to face our fears. We are able to say: I have fallen but I will get up and fight.

I don't know why, but these words have stuck with me all day today. I can't seem to be able to get them out of my train of thought, probably for the better.

This saying goes to show that simply by having courage, it does not necessarily equate to always being optimistic, positive, bright - that whole end of the emotional spectrum. It highlights the fact that courage is something that enables us to keep going, regardless of if we are having a good or a bad day. For me, courage symbolizes that fighting spirit that is necessary in battling one's inner demons.

Like today, for example, didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. My therapy sessions in the morning were all cancelled so I had nothing to do. I was faced with four dreaded hours of nothingness here at the station. Thankfully I was able to thoroughly enjoy the book that I am currently devouring from beginning to end and the feelings of uneasiness that were plaguing me were diminished. Another roadblock that occurred to me today was the fact that the head doctor had determined that all supplement drinks have to be taken in front of the helpers and then you have to sit with them for thirty minutes afterwards. I am currently the only one taking three supplement drinks a day, or any for that matter, even though there is other anorexic people here. Now imagine how hard it is to sit there for 1.5 hours in total without having anything to do - I'm simply glared at by the helpers, being carefully observed. Finally, the fact that so many people are leaving the station tomorrow while I remain stuck here hit me hard today as well. So this list goes to show that today has not been my day. But did that stop me from fighting, from having the courage to persevere and keep going? NO. 

I followed my meal plan, drank my supplement drinks, dealt with the anxiety and uneasiness and battled those thoughts. That's right.

It's All Too Much At Times

Sometimes I can't handle it all -

The weight gain, the thoughts, the remarks from others here, all the appointments, the therapy sessions, the doctor's visits. 

Sometimes I just need a break and I was really, genuinely hoping, praying even, that I would be able to spend just a few days over the holiday season that's just around the corner at home with my loved ones. Yet I also know that the doctor's obviously know what they are doing and that I need the time here. I hate these conflicing concepts, but I'll have to get used to it sooner or later as it is impossible for me to influence the opinion of the doctor's. 

In a way, the hospital is my safe place - my haven that I can return to in tough times or when I feel that I am incapable of eating proper meals outside as I get too anxious, the thoughts are too loud, or whatever the reason is. That's all the positives that I can think of right now; but hey, at least I'm slowly starting to get my head around the situation of having to be in the hospital over Christmas.

Today was Simply Amazing

My whole family is reunited, at last. Best early Christmas present that anyone could ask for. It just wrapped up my incredible weekend at home so nicely. Everything was perfect.

Family photo in front of the Coca Cola Christmas Truck

I love my family. I'm so glad that we're all together for the holidays, even if I'm stuck in the hospital per se. It can only go uphill.

I Wish Numbers Didn't Exist

Numbers; Figures; Digits; Integer.

Whatever you call it, it doesn't matter - all they do is haunt me, plague me, torture me. Numbers inform us of our weight, the calorie content of food, the weight of food....With numbers, everything has an absolute value. These figures rotate around my head all day, especially my weight. I know that it shouldn't bother me but that's the thing with eating disorders, our weight determines the outcome of the day - of whether it will be a good or a bad body image day, or generally. I'm trying so hard to get away from this mindset. I don't want my day to be dictated by godforsaken numbers. 

I want to be able to wake up and not care what the scale says. 
I don't want my weight to determine my mental wellbeing for the day.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see regardless of the numbers.
I want to be able to forget about the numbers for an entire day.
I want to be able to live freely - without being bound to these digits that only affect me negatively.

I wish there was only mirrors, not scales. When I look in the mirror, I see myself and my body for what it really is - skin and bones. Although I've already gained 11 kilograms since the beginning of my stay, I still have a long way to go in terms of my weight; and I know that. But seeing the scale go up terrifies me to death, yet I know that looking in the mirror, I desperately need it to. And I know that. It's just easier to accept when looking at my reflection rather than focusing on those numbers.

Gaining Their Trust Slowly But Surely

The last three weekends, I had night-leave from Saturday to Sunday; yet I still needed to be here for a certain period of time. I was only allowed to leave Saturday after lunch as long as I was back for lunch the following day. Up until now, the doctors did not want me to have to deal with so many meals outside of the hospital just yet; as they thought it would be too overwhelming. They were right. It takes a lot of time and patience to get used to eating at home again; or better yet, not in the hospital - regardless of where I eat.

I have consecutively shown them that I can manage fine by eating meals outside as my weight has been progressively going up. Therefore, today at the doctors round, without my having to ask or argue whatsoever, the head doctor simply said that I would have a night-leave pass like everyone else this time - as it is the next step in my recovery process. I am allowed to leave tomorrow (Saturday) after breakfast and only have to return again on Sunday at 8 pm.

What I'll be doing exactly is still out in the open; I might be here for lunch, I might not. Who cares. 

All I care about is the fact that I have proven not only to myself but to the doctors as well, that everything is going uphill.

Not What I Expected

Excuse the lack of posts lately, I just haven't been feeling too great. Especially after yesterday's doctors visit. I was told that I can't go home for a few days over the holidays; I need to stay here, at the hospital. I thought that I would at least be able to leave for a few days. I'm sick of constantly being in the hospital and living in these surroundings - it's been bugging me a lot because let's face it, I've been stationed here since the end of August - that's almost four months. I simply wanted to spend just a few days at home with my whole family.

I keep telling myself that the doctor's are conscious of their decision and know what is best for me and my recovery. Maybe I'm not ready yet, who knows? Maybe they don't want my progress to be hindered in any way and are trying to protect me from my inner demons like this. What I am allowed to have is several night outings not only from Saturday to Sunday but during the week as well. The therapy will be limited as well, as it is the holiday season soon so most days I would also be able to spend the entire day outside and solely come back here to the station to sleep.

It's not ideal but it'll have to do. I have to start wrapping my head around the idea; I can't keep denying that I will get a longer leave. 

Although it's pretty much all clear as to what I will be allowed to do during the holiday season, I am asking tomorrow at the doctors round what exactly it entails for me. I want to know the specifics so that I can mentally prepare myself better for my stay.

Uncertain

Uncertainty is definitely the word of the day. I'm uneasy and I don't like it; it agitates me, I get anxious and then I'm incapable of being myself as my whole thought process revolves around this sense of uneasiness regarding my stay here at the hospital.

I had a plan concerning the next two to three months of my life. I thought that I would be dismissed next Wednesday, December 19, along with half of the station, so that I could spend the holidays at home with my family - with my loved ones - and then return at the beginning of January for another few weeks before fully separating from the hospital again.

Yet after the talk I had today with my assigned doctor and mom, everything is out in the open. The doctor said that she didn't foresee this 'break' you could call it for my stay here. She believes that it would be detrimental and only hinder my progress. My mom, on the other hand, has mixed feelings - she isn't sure herself. With reference to my short 'break', my doctor reasoned that I could maybe leave for a few days over Christmas - three or so - and then return; if that is at all possible. Either way, what I can definitely have during the holidays if I stay in the hospital is daily outings from dusk till dawn - or longer, because it gets dark so early, haha, that I just have to return before night time draws upon us. 

We had a very long, deep talk; almost an hour - which, in my opinion, is an extremely tedious time frame for just one issue. We did not arrive at any conclusions, leaving me with this feeling of uncertainty that I dread. I understand her reasoning and the points that she made, yet it is difficult to completely switch my thoughts regarding the subject in such a quick interval as I had wholeheartedly believed that I would be spending the holidays at home, and not in the hospital. It's hard and I don't know what to believe anymore; I am torn between two extremes, in a way.

Tomorrow this will be discussed further with the head doctor, my assigned doctor and myself. I'm scared of the outcome; scared of the unknown. Hopefully I won't be too disappointed with the end result. We'll see.

Reflecting On My Progress Since My Arrival

Tonight I went to visit someone who has become a good friend - let's refer to her as A - of mine down at the intensive station together with my mom. Unlike my mom, I have kept up with regular stop-bys at the intensive station, where I myself lay until October 31, to catch up with A. My mom hadn't been down there since the day of my dismissal at the end of October when I was transferred to my current station, 6B. I could see it in my mom's eyes that it was very strange for her to be back at the intensive station; even if it was just to see someone else. All the memories that surfaced in her mind regarding my state when I was there, my progress, simply everything that was somehow connected to my stay there must have been overwhelming for her.

Incidentally, that deja vu effect - or the reflecting on the past - didn't stop at that. Together with A, we talked about how far I have come since my arrival at the intensive station. My mom recounted a few incidents for me that occurred within the first week that I have absolutely no recollection of. I was in such bad shape physically when I was admitted - I wasn't in a coma per se, but I don't recall the first week at all; nothing, nada. 

Additionally:

• All my organs were failing
• I needed to have countless infusions a day
• My blood count was horrendous, requiring me to get blood transfusions and injections because my white blood cells ceased to exist and there was a severe shortage of red blood cells. 
• My weight was dangerously low, resulting in a BMI of around 10.3.
• I was unable to move.
• All my joints ached.
• I was fed over the nasogastric tube.
• I did not consume proper meals.

The list goes on.

Reflecting on my progress, on my journey, and seeing how far I have come and what I have been able to accomplish leaves me feeling good.

The conversation about what I have been through since arriving at the intensive station with my mom and A was hard for me - hearing what I put myself and my body through - yet rewarding at the same time.

Cold Weather - Time to Snuggle Up

As Christmas comes rolling around the corner, the weather's adapting to the predetermined Christmas conditions - lots and lots of snow. In a way, having a layer of snow cover the entire city is magical as everyone dreams of having a white Christmas.

Yet with the snow comes the cold, icy weather. Having frosty weather conditions and temperatures ranging from -8 to -2 C currently enables the snow to remain, yet it is uncomfortable for us. Being outside becomes a fight against time; the longer you endure in the bitterly cold, the warmer you should be dressed.

For me, being outside is both an enjoyment and a plague. I love winter, and the cold - especially when I'm outside at a Christmas market with friends. Yet being outside when it has these below zero temperatures is also bad for me as my body requires more energy to stay warm.

Whenever I go outside now, I wear layer upon layer upon layer. Today, for instance, I wore two pairs of tights underneath the thickest pair of sweatpants that I own while I wore five layers on top - not including my warm, fuzzy winter jacket. I am all bundled up and ready to face the cold like this. Yet not for too long because I need to make sure that I still consume enough calories on a daily basis that will enable me to continue gaining weight. I don't want to prolong my weight gain and by wearing lots of layers whenever I am outside for even the tiniest amount, I am hoping that will help.

So in a way, the cold weather is both a curse and an enjoyment for me.

Laughter Fills the Air

Unike yesterday, I can honestly say that I can fall asleep happy and in good thoughts tonight. Although the day had its ups and downs, like it does for everyone, the last hour made up for it. 

I spent this past hour laughing with others from the station; just laughing and having a splendid time. Laughing has always been the best medicine; and will always be, in my opinion. We had our girl session right in front of the nurses' quarters where we 'camped out' in a sense as all of us sat on the floor. When others from the station saw us sitting there, we simply told them that we were having a late night picnic, haha. 

The conversations we had were priceless. None of us were able to stop giggling and cracking up. Let me just say that it was an intense ab workout - for all of us present. I haven't enjoyed myself this much in a long time. Our harmonious laughter filled the station as it was impossible for us to keep quiet. To me, laughter symbolizes so many positive things - freedom, enjoyment, being content, etc. Laughter is something that I crave for when I laugh, I know that I am having a good time as no thoughts are plaguing me. 

An Irritating Question

Before I begin, I want to wish you all a very happy St. Nicholas Day! Suitable for the festivities that took place today was the fact that it snowed - and not just a little bit. Vienna turned into a winter wonderland over the course of an hour. Now there is house after house, and car after car covered in a thick layer of fresh, powdery snow - it's simply magical.

Not only is today St. Nicholas Day, it is also my little cousin's birthday. She turned six today and I kept telling her, that it snowed for her. In the afternoon, the whole family got together and we celebrated her birthday. The conversations I had with everyone were amusing and very insightful, as I mostly talked with elderly people. In all honesty, there were too many people present for my liking - but I managed to stay calm and collected while being guest there.

Once the conversations faded into the background and everyone had arrived, it was time to officially celebrate with: a cake, or two in this case; the appropriate birthday songs; and let's not forget the presents. It was all fun and games until then.

This was the turning point for me. I was fine singing the songs, but then my grandma asked me which cake I'd prefer without even thinking. I didn't plan on having cake because I already have a meal plan that I follow and cake is one of those fear foods that still deathly terrifies me. I instantly received a panic attack and started crying as I couldn't hold in my emotions - they had free ground. I was guttered at her remark; completely irritated. My mom and me simply glared at her out of disbelief. 

Just because I am now able to eat three meals a day, with three supplement drinks does not automatically mean that I can eat anything and everything just because. It's still incredibly difficult to follow my meal plan, yet I have been managing that for a long time now. I know that my body needs to be fuelled with nutrients so that I can become healthy again. Yet the thought of having sweets still seems unfathomable to me. Everything takes time, and I'm just not ready to face those types of food yet. I'm happy with the pace that I am going in - like they say, slow and steady wins the race.

Her ignorance regarding my disorder is what tipped the iceberg tonight. It just shocked me that she assumed that everything is now completely okay with me because I'm getting better. I still have negative thoughts and every meal is still a struggle, let's not forget that. It's not that easy - it all takes time. 

A Big Sigh of Relief

Yesterday I mentioned going to bed feeling very tense, uneasy and anxious at the thought of today's weigh-in because of my dilemma. Well, it's over now and I'm still here; standing tall - both figuratively and literally, haha.

This morning was horrid. I was shaking stepping onto the scale and had my eyes shut tightly out of fear. Slowly gaining enough courage, I gradually open first my right and then my left eye, staring at the number. Thankfully there was no drastic change; my weight didn't plummet - it stayed the same. It was as if my prayer's had been answered because the last time I had an upset stomach, I was put on station lockdown as I had lost weight; but not this time. In my head, I immediately started doing a happy dance. A huge sense of relief spread all over my body and I was ready to face the day.

Another incredibly positive outcome of today is that my mom arrived back from Germany tonight. She is now back for the time being. It's good to have my mommy back, I've missed her tremendously.

Scared of Tomorrow

I don't want tomorrow to come; I'm deathly afraid of tomorrow morning - of the weigh-in. I contracted diarrhea today and am scared that it will have influenced my weight significantly. I told the helpers today about my dilemma and they gave me some medicine, yet I am still unsure of what tomorrow will bring. I am restless right now. I don't want a number to control how my day will turn out, but I'm really hoping for the better. Whenever my weight plummets, the doctor's said that I will have a station lockdown, like previously.

It's amazing how one little thing can affect you; how much influence it has over you. For me, right now, it's a big dilemma having diarrhea because it means that my body isn't keeping any of the valuable nutrients that it needs to rebuild itself. It's anything but good.

Hopefully the medicine will work it's magic.

I'm going to sleep feeling uneasy and agitated; I hope that tomorrow I can look at the situation from a new perspective.

"Monday Funday"

Normally people dread Mondays as it's the day after the perfect weekend of relaxing and not thinking about one's responsibilities and work. Like Garfield, who hates Mondays with a passion, I generally do too as I always long for the weekend to be drawn-out because it feels so nice to be at home with my mom.

But today was different, today was a good Monday. Everything worked out and was positive even though my mom left to Germany this morning. 

The day started off with amazing news - I gained weight again over the weekend! Which means that all my hard work is paying off. It also showed me that I am capable of gaining weight by myself as well as I spend the majority of my weekend outside of the hospital.

The positivite atmosphere continued all the way through ergotherapy, where I started my next acryllic piece - this time it's for the living room in our new apartment. Ergotherapy is definitely my favorite therapy session as it allows me to be creative and during the therapy, I forget about everything else - not worrying about my body, calories, and food - solely focusing on the task at hand. I eagerly await ergotherapy like a little child waiting for Santa every morning.

In the afternoon, with the help of my grandfather, I managed to accomplish every task that I set out to do - buying my little cousin's birthday present, going to the phone shop as an update didn't install itself, photocopying an article about anancastic personalities that my doctor gave me to read, as well as a quick layover at home to pick up my laundry. It was very productive to say the least, but I didn't stress myself, which is something that I've been working on as I have always been easily stressed and overwhelmed by certain situations.

Although my mom departed once again this morning, this time to fly to Germany, I managed to occupy myself again tonight as I did not have anyone visiting me, which is rarely the case. I went to starbucks by myself as it is more comfortable to read my book there, in a nice, comfy chair rather than the hard, wooden stools that we have here at the station where I need a cushion to sit because otherwise it hurts.

And now it's time for me to say goodnight, after this oh-so-productive and affirmative day, even though it was a Monday, the day I usually dread the most.

Japanese Proverb

"One kind word can warm three winter months"

This saying is perfect for the circumstance that I am in.

1. It is officially winter for me as today marks the first advent sunday and it snowed for the first time since October! Winter is finally really here :3
2. I am receiving positive feedback from friends and family that I am getting better and looking healthier.
3. I love my mom for telling me this quote today.

Recovery isn't easy, it's hard work - there are bad days when nothing seems to go as planned, negative thoughts still exist, certain anorectic rituals still surface, thoughts regarding restricting and not meeting my meal plan come up. I know that upon reading my blog, many of you must think that I am doing extremely well with recovery, having one positive achievement after the next, which is true, but some negative aspect in one form or another always manages to sneak up on me from behind day in day out. On this blog however, I try to focus on the positive as it is a motivator for me, encourages me to keep fighting and it is self-soothing in a way, like therapy, as I am able to reflect on something positive that I accomplished.

Regardless, for me, the 'three winter months' symbolizes my road through recovery and all the battles and hardships that I face along the way. Like winter, recovery is bitter, raw, arctic, and frosty - in other words, not pleasant. So hearing positive feedback and encouragement from others concerning my journey towards getting healthy and gaining my life back really does make the fight worthwhile. Upon receiving heartening and morale-boosting through just a few simple words, my world can be turned upside down, as I become joyful and ecstatic to know that everything I am dealing with is paying off.

As cliché as it is, you only live once, and it's up to each of us to make our life worth living. 

Second Night-Leave!

My mom returned from Tokyo today and the reunion was lovely. Not only did I get to spend time with her by catching up and getting to know the current news of Tokyo - almost like story time for little kids as I sat there and anxiously awaited every word - I get to spend the entire evening and morning with her as well, as I am at home for the second time :3

Home to me is a placed where you are with loved ones. At home, you are able to relax and simply do nothing but be content with the entire situation; you feel completely at ease.

I'm learning to feel at ease again at home, and, like my ergotherapist suggested and instructed me to do: be capable of relaxing. Tonight was a lazy Saturday night in with my mom - we watched movies, gossiped, laughed.

Goodnight everyone. Now it's time for me to cuddle up in my own bed and get a good night's sleep, dreaming of tomorrow.

Doctor's Approval - Thumbs Up

Today is friday. 
Friday is one of my weigh-in days. 
Friday is the day where the doctor's round determines whether I get night-leave over the weekend.
Friday is a day that scares me - the fear of not knowing if I gained weight or not as well as the fear of possibly not receiving night-leave.
Friday is a day of happiness.

Friday to me symbolizes a lot of things, as listed above. Today was an excellent Friday. 

At the doctor's round, I was informed that I had gained 700 grams from last Friday - I couldn't be happier. Like one of my friends told me, gaining weight is gaining health, gaining life, gaining freedom, gaining happiness and so much more. I felt like a child at christmas when it stands in front of its huge pile of presents and is overcome with joy, glee and excitement. That big grin on that child's face is exactly what I looked like as well upon hearing those news. The doctor's are all proud of me, of how far I've come. Today, I got the thumbs up from the head doctor here and he said that I should simply keep doing what I'm doing - which is trying my hardest to become healthy again.

I can do this.

I got the thumbs up! That says it all.

One Month and One Day

It's amazing how fast time passes in certain instances; it seems like just yesterday that I arrived at the 'new' station. No wonder that there's the saying time flies when you're having fun.

Although there's been rough days, such as the station lockdown, losing weight and the two times that I seriously considered leaving here before my planned date because I couldn't deal with the circumtances correctly, it's been a positive journey for the most part.

Let's just have a little recap of all the positive achievements that I have accomplished in the past month while being here:

• Eating a wrong meal successfully; one that I didn't order in my meal plan
• My first time being outside since August
• My first overnight stay away from the hospital
• My first eating out experience that wasn't in the hospital
• My first time eating at a restaurant and ordering a proper meal from the menu without tweaking the dish to lessen the calorie content
• Consuming both additional food as well as liquid calories
• Gaining weight
• Staring to enjoy food

I think that the list goes to show just how successful I have been and how much I was able to execute. Now I just need to remember that not everyday can be completely positive, that setbacks will occur. In those moments, it will be key to not give in to those anorexic thoughts but to keep going - even stronger.

Exhausted - Busy Day Comes To An End

Today was unbelievable; I had not a minute to spare or the time to relax even the slightest. It was all hectic, stressful, chaotic - the whole nine yards. Like I said, there was no room for de-stressing and unwinding as I was on the move the whole day because of my heel.

My right heel has been aching whenever I walk and come in contact with it through the movement. All of last week the doctor's tried to get me an appointment at the orthopaedic station here at the hospital but it is incredibly difficult to get one - just like it is almost impossible to find a four leaf clover in a vast grass field. As this debacle did nothing to help heal my heel or ease the pain, the doctor's decided on Monday that it would be best for me to go to the acute emergency ward as they would take several X-rays and hopefully figure out what is wrong.

Well, turns out that the wait at the emergency ward, that started at 8 am, and the resulting X-rays that I took did nothing to help my situation. The doctor simply told me that there is nothing visible on the X-ray and that I need to go to the orthopaedic station. Great, I thought, that'll take forever as it was impossible to set up an appointment. Luckily, as a nurse went with me, in the hope that it would help us get through the wait quicker, the wait was bearable.

Shortly after 11 am, after three hours of running around in the hospital for my heel, I was informed that I have a calcaneal spur on my right heel, which is nothing different than a heel spur. The doctor said that it is still in the early stages and can be regulated with insoles, a specific cream and distinct stretching exercises for the strained muscle.

Arriving at the station around noon, lunch was already here and I had no time to have a quick breather. After lunch I was told that the orthopaedic specialist would arrive at 1 pm to conform my insoles. Well, he never came at 1 pm and I was forced to wait as it was crucial for me to get these specialized insoles to ensure that my heel spur wouldn't worsen. I waited for him to arrive until 6 pm - which is when he finally showed up without an apology or a simple sorry; nothing of that sort.

I spent the entire day running around and completing tasks for my heel. At least now I know what to do to help ease the pain and hopefully, with time, the heel spur will lessen and go away completely.

And now it's time to relax with a bath - I deserve that after all the stress that was caused by my heel tonight.

"You look better"

Those three words you look better, or any other form that brings across the same message, such as you look healthier, has taken up a whole new meaning ever since my arrival down at the intensive station. I no longer dread those words.

Last year when I tried to recover on my own, with the help of my parents through the Maudsley Method, I couldn't bare those words. Hearing them - hearing that I was getting healthier; getting my life back in a sense - was pure torture because it meant that I was distancing myself from the anorexic thoughts, behaviors, etc. Back then I was still so intertwined in my eating disorder that the thought that I was slowly returning back to my old self was anything but pleasant news. Everytime I heard a remark such as "you look better" my world shattered into a million pieces - just like that of a little child when it discovers that Santa Claus and the Toothfairy don't exist - and the negative thoughts started racing in my mind. Comments like "You're a failure for gaining weight", "See, you heard them, you're getting fat" and "Don't listen to them, they don't know what's good for you. But I do, stop eating; you don't deserve it" would circulate in my mind for hours on end after a comment regarding my eating disorder was made that was supposed to be positive.

Now, everything is completely different.

When I hear those words now, instead of being in shock and pure hatred at the person who delivered those news, I am thrilled as it means that others can physically tell that I am getting better. Like I said before, I no longer dread those words; on the contrary, I am overcome with joy when hearing them. 

The Art of Doing Nothing

Since coming to the hospital, I have worked a lot on myself - all for the better. In the past few weeks so much has happened both physically and mentally that I could fill several novels with every minor victory and positive aspect of my recovery. 

Tonight I want to highlight and focus on the art of doing nothing; the art of taking a break and how difficult that actually is - for me at least. Ever since coming to the hospital, I have been successfully busying myself every second of every day, mainly creatively, because of all the negative thoughts I have had in regards to my eating disorder as well as all the anxiety that builds up within me everyday. By keeping myself occupied, those thoughts, that stress, that anxiety - all of that - diminishes and slowly fades away into non-existence again; just like a negative dream comes to an end and all of a sudden, everything is peaceful once more.

Yet it isn't normal for someone to be constantly working; to be persistently constructing something through creativity; to be perpetually busy. Everyone takes breaks where they have time to collect themselves, to gather their thoughts and just relax. This is something that  I struggle with immensely as it gives my thoughts free flow and I am never sure what to expect.

For the past few days, my ergotherapist has given me homework - to simply do nothing and 'hang loose', as you can say. Throughout the week, I managed a few short breaks with success, but never for a longer period of time. Tonight was different - with no visitors after 5 pm, I had plenty of time to unwind and gather myself and my thoughts; I was able to relax. 

To my surprise, my thoughts did not turn negative in any way and I was really able to let go and simply do nothing.

First Night at Home Since August

Last weekend, I was given the option of going on night-leave and so I, credulous me, thought that it would be no different this time - that the choice of going on night-leave would be there. Well, I was wrong. This week was eventful to say the least. From the station lockdown on Wednesday to the consumption of both additional eadible calories and liquid calories on top of my meal plan and my first real dining out experience for the past 1.5 years, it's safe to say that a lot has happened with regards to my recovery in the past few days.

On Friday, during the doctor's round, the head doctor presented his case regarding his decision not to give me the option of night-leave and my world shattered into a million little pieces, just like a mirror does when it is dropped. Then again, broken pieces of glass are supposed to give you luck - just a thought. He wanted to give me two day passes that are valid for the entire day, which means that I had the possibility to eat lunch outside in a restaurant or at home on both Saturday and Sunday. His reason behind this, and I quote, "we do not want to rush into anything like last time and take on too much at once." 

Anger-ridden me, because of the situation and his belief, started to argue with him. For 10 minutes I sat there and pleaded my case, trying to successfully convince him and the rest of the team that night-leave would be good for me. With the day passes, I would have two meals in total that wouldn't be at the hospital; I used that as my main point. Thankfully, we came to a consensus - that I would be allowed to go home on Saturday after lunch as long as I returned for lunch on Sunday; which also comes down to having two meals outside. I was overjoyed and full of excitement and my mood altered immediately to a much healthier state.

...I just woke up from my first night at home of sleeping in my bed, with my sheets, in my room. Might I just say that I haven't slept this good since going to the hospital at the end of August - this night was pure bliss.

An amazing good night's sleep after an extraordinary afternoon and evening at home was simply beyond my wildest expectations of what would occur. Yesterday afternoon was spent with my mom and together with her, I organized my room and tried to tidy up my closet - which we achieved. The night was spent with my best friend, who came to look at our newly furnished and bought apartment, and we had a lovely time together - catching up and watching movies.

Having gone on night-leave was definitely the right option for me, as it has given me the incentive to try even harder in terms of my recovery because I want to lead a normal life again. And having a taste of that for the first time was, like I said, beyond my wildest expectations.

Additional Liquid Calories? Check.

As I mentioned in this post, consuming anything that isn't in my meal plan, whether it be a quick nibble at something or a drink that isn't tea or water, is a fear of mine. It is still an irrational fear of mine that I will gain x pounds because of one small extra add-on.

In the link above, I conquered additional eadible calories, and tonight I successfully gulped down extra calories that weren't incorporated in my three daily supplementary drinks.

Tonight in the afternoon, I went to the closest Christkindlmarkt - a traditional christmas market - with friends from the neighboring station. There, with the support of them, and the joyous and jolly spirit of the surroundings - all that christmas charm - I was able to have another major recovery win. Like yesterday, where I was surrounded by people I care for, I was able to enjoy those liquid calories in the form of a Kinderpunsch, which is non-alcoholic glögg. 

No second thoughts; no negative behaviors; nothing out of the ordinary. It was all completely normal, and that's what I love. I'm slowly becoming myself again and am able to deal with issues besides calories and food.

Italian, Anyone?

For the last 1.5 years, I have not ordered a proper meal at a restaurant.

For the last 1.5 years, I have always stuck to ordering soups or the lowest calorie options when dining out.

For the last 1.5 years, I have dreaded restaurants - all the people and social stress, the overwhelming array of meals and trying to decipher which one is safest to consume.

For the last 1.5 years, I have not been myself when being at a restaurant as my thoughts simply revolved solely around the meal.

All that changed tonight.

I went to dinner being myself for the first time in god knows how long. I met up with two of my best friends at 6 pm at my favorite restaurant in Vienna, which coincidentally, is an Italian restaurant that belongs to my great cousin. The food there is to die for and I had always loved going there; so I thought, why not start there? And so it was.

Looking at the menu, I instantly knew I wanted a pizza. I ordered a pizza funghi and didn't have second thoughts. I knew there'd be a lot of cheese on it and that the pizza would be made from white flour and not whole wheat flour, but did that stop me from eating the whole lot (except for the crust, because I've never been a fan of that)? No. That's right, I ate the entire pizza.

While elegantly dining out and enjoying our food, I did not second guess myself at all. I held normal, everyday conversations with my friends and there was no time for negative thoughts.  It was amazing; the whole experience.

And to finish off this amazing blog post, might I just say that the pizza was delicious and exceeded my expectations. I'm so proud of what I've achieved today.

Station Lockdown

I'd be lying to myself if I were to say that today was a good day. On the contrary, it was anything but. It might have started out great - I had an excellent night of sleep, ate my favorite breakfast and finished my acryllic piece in ergotherapy - but there's an end to my exuberance, and that came with the doctor's round.

I lost a teensy amount of weight from Monday until today, something that seems insignificant to me as it is such a small number, that I received the worst news to date. For today, I was on house lockdown you can say, as I am not allowed to leave the station at all for whatever reason. That did not play well with me at all. I had plans for today, for tomorrow; and all those got shattered because of that stupid little number. Hearing the news for me was horrendous; I felt like a little child does when it finds out that Santa Claus doesn't exist - completely shattered and full of anger at the world.

That miniscule amount of weight that I had lost can be influenced by so many things - my bowel movement, the cold I had gotten and the extra calories the body now requires to heal that aspect, etc. In any case, it is something that I have no control over and just need to accept. Rationally, I know that the doctor's are only looking out for me; trying to do what's best for my recovery and general wellbeing. It's just hard to embrace the news as it is such a drastic constraint in regards to what I had planned for the following days.

Thankfully my mom was here tonight to cheer me up and reassure me that this is just another minor speed bump on my journey through recovery and won't be significant in the long run. Simply having her here beside me instantly brightens my mood and her advice and knowledge is something I cherish and really take to heart.

I genuinely hope that tomorrow is a day where I feel more stable and am in a healthier state mentally.

Too tired to blog tonight. Goodnight everyone, I will write about forming new friendships tomorow morning.

Benefits of Ergotherapy

Ergotherapy is the treatment of disease, in my case anorexia nervosa, by physical work and recreation. It is therapeutic physical training in a sense that you do something creative. The aim of ergotherapy is to help people design their everyday life and to increase the quality of their life by finding coping mechanisms and ways to deal with one's struggles and problems.

Here in the hospital, I have ergotherapy for 1.5 hours every Monday through Thursday. The amount of options one has to be creative is unimaginable; that's how much there is. There is always something new to try and something to lay one's hands on. There is weaving, knitting, felting, drawing, painting, clay work, creating braided baskets and silk scarves, book binding, etc. Like I said, the choices are endless.

I have already created silk scarves, two woven pieces, a clay bowl for the new kitchen, and this acryllic trial piece below - that I finished today. I am looking forward to tomorrow's session as I started on my acryllic canvas piece and am continuing with it tomorrow.

My acryllic paint trial

Right now, ergotherapy is my favorite therapy session as it allows me to be creative and is a good outlet for me in regards to my thoughts and negative rituals or behaviors that still surface from time to time. Whenever I am down, I focus on the task at hand and start to enjoy myself and what I am doing; completely putting me off my negative thoughts. That's why I am in love with ergotherapy. That and the fact that it allows me to be even more creative.

Just Because I Felt Like It

Eating is what I fear most. The fact that I am now capable of eating three full meals on top of the three supplement drinks that I consume without hesitation is beyond my wildest imagination. Back in August this would have been impossible. But now, I have accepted that my body needs all the nutrients it can get to rebuild itself and I keep telling myself that food is fuel - that's what keeps me going.

Although I am now used to eating in this structured and orderly way, and without hesitation may I add, it is still incredibly difficult for me to eat anything else in addition. Whenever someone here offers me something, no matter how good it looks or smells like, I always decline. It is still an irrational fear of mine that I will gain x kilograms because of that one bite or one small nibble of something if it isn't already in my given meal plan.

Today was different in that aspect though, and I am glad that it's finally happened. One of the other patients came back from an outing with a bunch of honey roasted peanuts. I loved them before my eating disorder developed and have been successfully avoiding anything with peanuts ever since; until today. The patient asked everyone if they wanted some, and I, without even taking another second to process my behavior, I grabbed a handful and ate them; all of them. And that's that.

I ate them because I felt like it; just because. They tasted as good as I remember and I don't regret eating them one bit. I hope times like this start to happen more often - where I am able to let go and where my eating disorder has no say in guilt-tripping me, making me feel fat, unwanted, etc.

Gaining Independence

Although I notified the doctor's yesterday during their visit that I would not be going on night-leave, I had the option today as a letter was prepared for me to allow me to go on leave as well as all my medication, including my caloric drink supplements.

I told the nurses this morning that I would not be going on night-leave, but they gave me all my meds and the supplement drinks anyway and said that I was fully responsible regarding my health both today and tomorrow.

It was up to me to turn up to the main meals, that I said I would eat here at the station as well as take my medication at the appropriate times while also making sure that I would take my three supplement drinks. Everything is up to me over the weekend although I am not going on night-leave.

Although I was gone in the afternoon with my mom and my best friend, visiting a 'Christkindlmarkt' to soak up some holiday spirit, I managed to drink my supplement drink in public; amongst other people. It's a huge fear of mine, being judged by others, and being able to simply consume my drink amongst a crowd was remarkable. It was so hard to overcome this irrational fear, and I was shaking throughout the process as I was so taken by the people around me. But I managed to drink everything, and that's what counts.

I'm so proud of myself today, of managing everything by myself. I enjoyed today so far. I'm learning how to become independent again - in small steps.

It's All Going Uphill

Today has been a day of laughter, of rejoice, of joy, of happiness. I woke up feeling great after a good nights sleep and my mood hasn't deteriorated in the slightest. On the contrary, it's only gotten better.

As today is friday, it was another weigh-in morning. Only this time, I didn't dread it. I was pleased to see that the number had gone up again. I couldn't hold this excitement in and keep this important piece of information to myself, so I immediately called my mom and told her the great news.

At the doctor's round, there was nothing but positive news as well. This weekend, I had received the permission to go on night-leave from Saturday to Sunday because my weight has been increasing progressively for the past couple of days with no setbacks. I, however, after having been on lockdown in the hospital the last weekend and not being able to leave the premises this week, I thought that night-leave would be too much for me right now. And that's what I told the doctor's. We came to an agreement that I am able to leave the premises in accompaniment both on Saturday and Sunday throughout the day as long as I am there for the three main meals. 

I think that that's a good stepping stone and that it's important that I don't rush into things and take on too much at once. Night-leave is something that I have in sight for the following weekend if everything goes as planned. 

Deja Vu

So far, today is a good day. My mom was here the whole afternoon, and it was simply lovely - time always flies by when we are together. Whether we are playing cards, doing something artsy, playing table tennis outside or just gossiping about anything and everything, it always brightens my mood instantaneously.

Today is also a day of reflection, of how far I have come. Back when I was down at the intensive station, I remember the times I still had the nasogastric tube and was unable to eat meals because my organs were all not functioning correctly anymore. The very first real meal  that I had to force myself to eat, was half a portion of a cabbage-and-noodle casserole. I managed then, but only just. It was horrible - the thoughts were so strong back then; it scares me just thinking of how hard eating was back then.

Anyway, today for lunch I also had the cabbage-and-noodle casserole. This time I had the full meal plan though; and I ate it all, down to the last crumb. Yum. That's all I can say. As scay as it is to admit, I enjoyed my lunch. It reminds me of my elementary school days as it is something that I ate on a weekly basis back then.

It's things like this that make me realize just how far I have come. That meal that I finished today is a symbol of my progress - of my endurance and strength to continue.