Benefits of Individual Therapy

The last five weeks I did not have a therapist as the one that I was assigned to prior to the Christmas Holidays term was up at the station; how not fitting is all I've been able to think since then. Until today. Today I had the first real talk with a therapist again, my new one - she seems lovely just like the last one was too. I am ecstatic beyond belief - full of excitement like a puppy is upon receiving his yummy treat - that I finally have someone to confide in again.

For the past five weeks I have not had anyone at the station to share my innermost thoughts with - I was forced to deal with them by myself, without having any professional advice for whatever situations that I was dealing with at the current moment. It was tough without a therapist, I must admit. Of course I talked with my parents about what occupied my mind as well as with my best friends, yet it isn't the same as sharing my thoughts with someone who is in the profession if you know what I mean. I find it great to receive valid advice from someone from the outside, looking at the subject from a different perspective as they have no relationship to me.

So today I was relieved. Although I was 'given' a new therapist last week, followed by a quick introduction and greeting, our first real one-hour long session took place today. I finally have a contact person at the station again and she promised me that if I never need someone to vent to and it isn't our day when we have our session, that I can still come to her and she will make time for me - what a nice gesture. Today consisted of the basics; of telling her my whole story of how everything came to be. And believe me, that was tough enough and very emotional as it brings back so many unwanted memories. Looking back, I still can't believe what condition I was in upon my arrival at the hospital and of all the hardships that I put myself through. Simply put, I endangered myself and was close to death. It's always good to put things in perspective and that's what I did with my therapist today. We looked at how far I have come and the progress that I have been able to make.

It was only the first therapy block of many more to come. I cannot wait to see the depths that we will get into and I am glad that I got along so well with my therapist today. It feels good to finally have someone at the station again who is there for me.

Reducing my Medication

It is never good to be completely encapsulated with drugs of whatever sort - whether they be antidepressants, tranquilizers, neurolepticas, mood stabilizers, hypnotics, nootropics or anti-dementia drugs. There are endless possibilities to the type of drugs that would suit you and your current situation. Doctor's assign us drugs to make us feel better and sometimes those medications can add up and all of a sudden, you are faced with multiple drugs in the morning, at lunch, in the evening and at night. Drugs are a superb development as they really do help one.

What I'm trying to say is that initially, drugs that you are specifically prescribed for by the doctors are essential and necessary. They enable us to feel more at ease and help stabilize our mood, thoughts, and emotions. Yet sooner or later, I feel that it is important to not be dependent on drugs anymore in order to feel 'okay' and 'normal'. It should be one's goal to ultimately not need these drugs anymore to be content and in the right place mentally.

For me, I started out with a vast array of medications - ranging from antidepressants to mood stabilizers to neurolepticas. And I can't forget my Vitamin D and Calcium tablets that I receive three times daily as my body is still lacking those nutrients. Now I do not count those as medications per say, since they are something you can buy at your local drugstore and a presecription isn't necessary.

Since today, I only receive one drug - and that is to help me fall asleep. It has already been reduced to the minimal dosis which I am thankful for. It was decided at yesterday's doctors round that I would be discharged of my antidepressant, that, as a side effect, also acts as a mood stabilizer, starting tomorrow. I received this drug to help with my anxiety and to keep my thoughts in check. But lately I haven't been apprehensive nor have I had any negative thoughts - which is what I told the doctors yesterday. Upon hearing this news, the head doctor agreed with my wish to discharge my last remaining antidepressant and see how it affects me.

Well, I survived the day - no anxiety attacks and no negative thoughts about myself or thoughts about food. I'm quite proud.

The 100th Post!

Wow. Just wow. I don't even know what to say - having 99 published posts and with this being the 100th! I never thought that I would commit to writing this much, which just goes to show how important it has become for me. This blog is a place for me to journal and vent; a place where I can let all my innermost emotions emerge and feelings come out; it is a place where I can be myself one hundred percent - whether I'm having a good or a bad day; and lastly, it is a place for me to sort my thoughts and be able to rationalize them. 

It is one thing for me to have this blog as an outlet for myself, yet it is another to have so many amazing people read my blog time and time again. So I just want to say thank you to all of you following my journey through recovery from the very bottom of my heart.

Christmas Cookies

Christmas Cookies have, for as long as I can remember, been a staple item when it comes to the holiday season. From the joy that comes from baking these wondrous, small little biscuits to decorating them in festive colors to devouring that delicious piece of pastry heaven to giving your own creations to someone dear to your heart - everything that springs to mind when hearing the phrase christmas cookie is positive and merry.

For most people, christmas cookies are something they look forward to enjoying. Well, not me. Instead of symbolizing something so grand, every single christmas cookie that I come in contact with terrifies me, exemplifying my eating disorder related thoughts.

Sugar, Butter, Flour, Chocolate - whatever the ingredient, you name it - scares me. They are all fear foods of mine. I know that it's irrational and scientifically incorrect, but I believe that just one bite from a cookie - the teensiest of nibbles - will lead to instant weight gain and make me fat. That's impossible, I know. But my disorder is still too strong and so those thoughts don't go away as they remain to haunt and torture me.

Because christmas cookies are, like many other things, a fear food to me, I find the holiday season more difficult to deal with as you are constantly bombarded with cookies and the likes.

Want to hear the good news? On Christmas Eve, I received a gift from my favorite caretakes down at the intensive station - we were able to uphold the relationship that we had formed. I was given a friendship bracelet (I had made him one previously) and self-made christmas cookies. Self-made christmas cookies. Did I freak out upon this present? Yes, but it did not hinder my actions, my thoughts or my doings. 

I look up to this person so much, and to receive the christmas cookies shown above in the picture turned my world upside down. These cookies look good, smell good, are self-made and a present. There's nothing negative about them. No matter how difficult it will be for me, I decided that I will finish off these cookies; all of them - one by one. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy them as well.

Cabin Fever

Everything was too much today, resulting in me having a good three hour sob and cry of despair session spread out throughout the day, from dusk until dawn. I could've set back and focused on the positives of the day, but I didn't.

• I gained weight from Wednesday - that's good, right?
• Today is the longest night which means that from now on, the days will get longer again.
• So far, the world still hasn't ended.
• I am allowed to go on night leave over the weekend.
• I was able to spend time with my brother.

The list of positives can go on but it wouldn't change me dwelling on having cabin fever.

Because it is the holiday season, many therapy sessions no longer take place; they only start up again the second week of January. This is everything but convenient. For me, these sessions, regardless of what type of therapy was emphasized during the period, were an escape - something that I was able to focus on during the morning and early afternoon until we are allowed to leave the station at 3 pm every day. From today, I can no longer rely on therapy to get me through the day until 3 pm - now I need to find other coping mechanisms and things to do. The problem is that I'm out of ideas as to what I can accomplish.

Being in the hospital since September, I have been quite successful at keeping myself occupied by folding origami, creating friendship bracelets and window colors, blogging and journaling, reading etc. Yet there comes a point when even hobbies become redundant and you are looking for change. Don't get me wrong, I greatly enjoy all the previously mentioned activities, but I need variety.

Through my countless temper tantrums as a result of this 'boredom' - you can call it that - I was able to come up with new interests with the help of my parents. It felt good to get everything off of my chest regarding this cabin fever and the impression that the whole world is collapsing. Together we came up with knitting - perfect for these cold, chilly winter months - learning to play the guitar, and continuing to paint with acrylic colors outside of ergotherapy.

I'm pleased with our ideas, yet am always open to new suggestions. Thoughts anyone?

Laughter Fills the Air

Unike yesterday, I can honestly say that I can fall asleep happy and in good thoughts tonight. Although the day had its ups and downs, like it does for everyone, the last hour made up for it. 

I spent this past hour laughing with others from the station; just laughing and having a splendid time. Laughing has always been the best medicine; and will always be, in my opinion. We had our girl session right in front of the nurses' quarters where we 'camped out' in a sense as all of us sat on the floor. When others from the station saw us sitting there, we simply told them that we were having a late night picnic, haha. 

The conversations we had were priceless. None of us were able to stop giggling and cracking up. Let me just say that it was an intense ab workout - for all of us present. I haven't enjoyed myself this much in a long time. Our harmonious laughter filled the station as it was impossible for us to keep quiet. To me, laughter symbolizes so many positive things - freedom, enjoyment, being content, etc. Laughter is something that I crave for when I laugh, I know that I am having a good time as no thoughts are plaguing me.