My Mother

Mothers - they bring us into this world. They nourish us as babies, accompany us through our childhood years and watch us grow into adults in our teenage years. They are always there for us in times of need - a shoulder to cry on. They give us advice. In short, mothers are precious.

My mother left to go back to Tokyo today for the next two weeks and I am okay with that. I'll be strong until she comes back; she will be greatly missed. These last two weeks with her were amazing - she's my backbone; I can tell her anything and everything. The hours just seem to fly by whenever I am with her. She gives me strength to carry on.

So I dedicate this post to you, mom. I love you.

I will end with a saying that I remember way back from kindergarten:

My mother is precious,

My mother is fine,

My mother, My mother,

My mother is mine.

Benefits of Individual Therapy

The last five weeks I did not have a therapist as the one that I was assigned to prior to the Christmas Holidays term was up at the station; how not fitting is all I've been able to think since then. Until today. Today I had the first real talk with a therapist again, my new one - she seems lovely just like the last one was too. I am ecstatic beyond belief - full of excitement like a puppy is upon receiving his yummy treat - that I finally have someone to confide in again.

For the past five weeks I have not had anyone at the station to share my innermost thoughts with - I was forced to deal with them by myself, without having any professional advice for whatever situations that I was dealing with at the current moment. It was tough without a therapist, I must admit. Of course I talked with my parents about what occupied my mind as well as with my best friends, yet it isn't the same as sharing my thoughts with someone who is in the profession if you know what I mean. I find it great to receive valid advice from someone from the outside, looking at the subject from a different perspective as they have no relationship to me.

So today I was relieved. Although I was 'given' a new therapist last week, followed by a quick introduction and greeting, our first real one-hour long session took place today. I finally have a contact person at the station again and she promised me that if I never need someone to vent to and it isn't our day when we have our session, that I can still come to her and she will make time for me - what a nice gesture. Today consisted of the basics; of telling her my whole story of how everything came to be. And believe me, that was tough enough and very emotional as it brings back so many unwanted memories. Looking back, I still can't believe what condition I was in upon my arrival at the hospital and of all the hardships that I put myself through. Simply put, I endangered myself and was close to death. It's always good to put things in perspective and that's what I did with my therapist today. We looked at how far I have come and the progress that I have been able to make.

It was only the first therapy block of many more to come. I cannot wait to see the depths that we will get into and I am glad that I got along so well with my therapist today. It feels good to finally have someone at the station again who is there for me.

Tomorrow is a fresh start

I'm sick in bed with the flu and my laptop ultimately gave up his life today so I am blogging from my phone.

Tomorrow the world will look different.

It's a new day; a fresh start.

Educating Myself on Osteoporosis

Osteoporosis: A medical condition in which the bones become brittle and fragile from loss of tissue.

It is one of the common effects of anorexia nervosa. I know that I have osteoporosis - in fact, I've known for a while; ever since I've had a BMD (Bone Mineral Density) Test completed back in the middle of October while I was still at the intensive station. Yet it is only know that I have become curious and have looked further into the matter as the doctors sent me to the orthopedic station at the hospital today, in hopes of figuring out whether my osteoporosis is improving and if my daily calcium tablets are sufficient. 

The orthopedist was very informative and gave me an entire lecture on the causes of osteoporosis and what needs to be done; it was almost like being back at school, hearing a teacher explain a certain topic - the only difference was that I actually paid attention. Before his disquisition, he quickly glanced at my medical history and the tests that I have done, only to inform me that I have the bones of an eighty year old grandma or so. Great, I thought - just one more thing that anorexia nervosa has given me. He reassured me that my osteoporosis can improve with the right treatment; thank goodness. Basically, according to this article - which sums up what the doctor informed me on nicely - 

Anorexia nervosa has significant physical consequences. Affected individuals can experience nutritional and hormonal problems that negatively impact bone density. Low body weight in females causes the body to stop producing estrogen, resulting in a condition known as amenorrhea, or absent menstrual periods. Low estrogen levels contribute to significant losses in bone density.

In addition, individuals with anorexia often produce excessive amounts of the adrenal hormone cortisol, which is known to trigger bone loss. Other problems – such as a decrease in the production of growth hormone and other growth factors, low body weight (apart from the estrogen loss it causes), calcium deficiency, and malnutrition – contribute to bone loss in girls and women with anorexia.

The outcome of the meeting with the orthopedist was basically that since I also suffer from amenorrhea, which is one of the causes of osteoporosis, that I should first see a doctor at the gynecology station and then come back with the test results from there.

Although it was a very informative day, I wasted three hours of my precious time today, running around the hospital or sitting, waiting patiently to be called up - and the end result? nothing.

Hopefully I will get some answers regarding my amenorrhea and osteoporosis next week; we'll see.

First Night Leave During the Week

As was discussed - and mentioned in this post earlier - with the doctor in charge of me last week, to help ease my transition back into the real world, I would be given night-leaves during the week.

Well, yesterday to today marked that first night-leave during the week - there's a first for everything! Although I had to be at the station for all my meals on both days, it's a start. I had to be back this morning at 8 am; just in time for breakfast. But that wasn't a problem for me as I am an early riser, waking up as the sun slowly ascends over the city and the first signs of movement are heard on the street - a sign that the busy day ahead has set into motion. This time, the night-leave was solely for sleeping at home and being able to enjoy a good night's sleep in my own bed during the week.

Since everything worked out great and I was here for all meals, I am hoping that for my next night-leave during the week, that I might be able to have a few meals outwards - maybe dinner and then breakfast to start with. I'm hopeful; I have to be. It's always good to remain positive.

I'm Back In Charge

Weigh-in days are never something I anticipate or look forward to in the slightest, like I would when meeting up with someone I haven't seen in a long time or Christmas Eve when you're about to open up your presents. All morning until 7.15 am, when I am weighed, I am anxious beyond belief - Was it enough? Did everything work out? Will the result be positive? These thoughts circulate in my mind consecutively until I know for sure and see the result, a definite answer. I do not need to wait for the doctors round later on in the day to figure out whether or not the weigh-in was a positive experience as I myself know whether I gained weight, stayed the same, or lost weight. 

This time, like always lately, everything was positive. Not only that, but I overshot the weight that the head doctor said I needed to reach in order to drink my supplement drinks on my own again without supervision. Finally; I couldn't have been more relieved this morning upon seeing that number. Knowing that now, after two weeks - or longer, even - I am in charge of my supplement drinks again, not the helpers. It was that sense of relief one has upon having a graded paper returned and seeing that it has been completed with excellence - pure contentment. 

Now I am finally able to be in charge again, not only of my meals but of my supplement drinks as well. For the past weeks I had to consume my supplement drinks just after finishing each meal - not only was it extremely uncomfortable for my stomach to drink them straight after my already substantial meals but having that many calories all in one go isn't the best for my mentality either - but that never stopped me. It was just harder than it had too. Now that I can decide when to have the supplement drinks, I can have them in between my meals as snacks so to say.

Everything's looking up.

Reducing my Medication

It is never good to be completely encapsulated with drugs of whatever sort - whether they be antidepressants, tranquilizers, neurolepticas, mood stabilizers, hypnotics, nootropics or anti-dementia drugs. There are endless possibilities to the type of drugs that would suit you and your current situation. Doctor's assign us drugs to make us feel better and sometimes those medications can add up and all of a sudden, you are faced with multiple drugs in the morning, at lunch, in the evening and at night. Drugs are a superb development as they really do help one.

What I'm trying to say is that initially, drugs that you are specifically prescribed for by the doctors are essential and necessary. They enable us to feel more at ease and help stabilize our mood, thoughts, and emotions. Yet sooner or later, I feel that it is important to not be dependent on drugs anymore in order to feel 'okay' and 'normal'. It should be one's goal to ultimately not need these drugs anymore to be content and in the right place mentally.

For me, I started out with a vast array of medications - ranging from antidepressants to mood stabilizers to neurolepticas. And I can't forget my Vitamin D and Calcium tablets that I receive three times daily as my body is still lacking those nutrients. Now I do not count those as medications per say, since they are something you can buy at your local drugstore and a presecription isn't necessary.

Since today, I only receive one drug - and that is to help me fall asleep. It has already been reduced to the minimal dosis which I am thankful for. It was decided at yesterday's doctors round that I would be discharged of my antidepressant, that, as a side effect, also acts as a mood stabilizer, starting tomorrow. I received this drug to help with my anxiety and to keep my thoughts in check. But lately I haven't been apprehensive nor have I had any negative thoughts - which is what I told the doctors yesterday. Upon hearing this news, the head doctor agreed with my wish to discharge my last remaining antidepressant and see how it affects me.

Well, I survived the day - no anxiety attacks and no negative thoughts about myself or thoughts about food. I'm quite proud.

Extreme Hunger Cues

Extreme hunger. It is something that I have been forced to deal with repeatedly in the past two weeks. As I know nothing about this, I went and did some research and according to an article on Eatopia,

Extreme hunger is a common experience for almost everyone undergoing recovery from any kind of restrictive eating disorder. It is one of the most anxiety-provoking elements of recovery. It can happen at any time in the recovery process and varies for everyone as to how long it lasts. During this time you will want (and very much need) far more than your recommended daily amount and may find yourself consuming anywhere from 6,000-10,000 calories in a single day. That causes panic for pretty much everyone on the restrictive eating disorder.

The write-up was very informative and I am somewhat relieved after having gone through it. To know that it is common for sufferers of restrictive eating disorders to experience this and to not be the only one is, like I said, a relief in a sense - to know that it is not just me having to deal with this.

It said in the article that these extreme hunger cues can surface at any given point during one's recovery process. Although I've been in recovery for a while now, my body just started experiencing this extreme hunger. Although I eat all my meals and drink my supplement drinks, I feel this urge to consume whatever is in sight several times a week - usually at night time. It is both deathly terrifying to listen to my body - to nourish it further even though it is not part of my meal plan; to have to eat 'extra' in a way - and yet it reassures me that it is alright for me to consume this much. I don't know how else to explain this. I generally listen to these hunger signals and give in, sustaining my body with additional calories, rather than ignoring them and not having anything. 

I don't know how long these extreme hunger cues last in one's recovery journey; it said that it is different for every individual. I just hope that it doesn't go on forever. Sometimes I feel like I eat so much that I must get 'fat' instantly, yet I push through those thoughts and try to shove them aside.

What I wish for more than anything is to finally establish a normal relationship with food again; one where my hunger signals are in check.

Another Big Milestone Accomplished

Today marks an important milestone; one that I've tried to achieve for a while now. It is the fact that it's the first day since August where I've had all my main meals outside of the hospital. The difference to August, when I was fully entrenched in my eating disorder, is that this time I wasn't - I was me and not anorexia.

Up until now, when it came to the weekend and night-leave, the doctor's have let me stay at home over night yet I had to be in at the station for lunch on both Saturday and Sunday. This meant that I only always had dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday externally. But not this time. My mom and me had a very long and tedious appointment with the head doctor on Thursday regarding my gradual transition back into the real world. It took a lot of arguing and bargaining to ensure that I would be able to have all my meals outwards on Sunday. The agreement that we reached was that I would be at the station for lunch on Saturday but then have Saturday evening and all of Sunday at home - out in the real world.

Positive's about today's eating:

• I did not restrict
• I successfully drank all my supplement drinks at home
• I went out to eat at a restaurant again
• I pushed through each meal, ignoring the anorexic thoughts
• I had normal conversations during meal time with others
• My mind was not occupied by food

So I'd say today was a pretty amazing day.

The 100th Post!

Wow. Just wow. I don't even know what to say - having 99 published posts and with this being the 100th! I never thought that I would commit to writing this much, which just goes to show how important it has become for me. This blog is a place for me to journal and vent; a place where I can let all my innermost emotions emerge and feelings come out; it is a place where I can be myself one hundred percent - whether I'm having a good or a bad day; and lastly, it is a place for me to sort my thoughts and be able to rationalize them. 

It is one thing for me to have this blog as an outlet for myself, yet it is another to have so many amazing people read my blog time and time again. So I just want to say thank you to all of you following my journey through recovery from the very bottom of my heart.

Gradual Transition Back Into the Real World

It's frustrating to see people after people come and go at the station while you're the only one that remains. I've been here the longest out of everyone by far and it's still unclear of how much longer my stay here is. My longing to go back into the 'outside' world is so great, that hearing "oh we'll see about that next week" when asking about a possible date as to when I could leave is infuriating - I just want a clear answer. I hate this uncertainty. I just want someone to tell me, plain and simple, what my future at the station here entails, and for how much longer my stay is.

As the length of my stay is still out in the open, I have made arrangements with the doctor that is in charge of me to slowly ease back into natural patterns. This involves:

• Drinking the supplement drinks on my own again without supervision and then having to sit next to a nurse for half an hour while constantly being glared at, like a hawk does when hunting for prey, to ensure that I don't somehow get rid of the calories.
• Getting full night-leave from Saturday to Sunday and eating all meals outwards, except for breakfast on Saturday. I have never done this before but I talked with the doctor and we agreed that this would be the next step - to see if I can maintain, or hopefully even gain weight, when being given full control as to what I consume in two days.
• Eating more meals outwards during the week - mainly dinner. This will be done to lessen my anxiety that arises when I am faced with either having to create my dinner or order something off of a menu. It will be done to show me that eating out, or eating at home, is completely normal and does not involve panic or anxiety attacks.
• I will be given night-leaves during the week - maybe one or two per week - to slowly transition into being at home more frequently.

The meeting, as well as the results that we came up with together, are quite positive. Although I still don't know how much longer I am staying here, at least I know the next steps and that I am gaining even more freedom. I hope everything works out.

Your Future Is In Your Hands

Do you want to grow old with an eating disorder? Do you want to spend the next five, ten, fifteen - however many years really - of your life miserable, cold, alone, and drowning in self-hatred? Do you want to be forced to take time off from your education, or drop out all together, because you've missed too much and are too sick to continue? Do you want to lead a life that is dedicated to calories, scales, eating disordered thoughts and other useless numbers? Do you want to have all your hair fall out; be constantly cold; develop long, fine downy hair on your body; have poor circulation and always be faint?

OR

Do you want to finish your educational pursuits, go to parties, socialize and enjoy life? Do you want to start a relationship with someone? Do you want to be able to go out with friends and order something off of a menu that you genuinely look forward to eating instead of getting what is considered 'safe' by your eating disorder? Do you want to enjoy celebrating your own wedding with a slice of wedding cake while laughing, dancing and having a good time? Do you want to have a body that functions normally and is in full health? Do you want to truly inspire others and be able to make a lasting impact on someone else's life? And most importantly, do you want to be happy, passionate, excited and free? 

Having an eating disorder wasn't my choice; it is no one's choice for that matter - it chooses you. But you can choose to recover.

Your future is in your hands; just like I am in charge of mine. And for me, that means full force with recovery.

A Constant Coming and Going

Chaos - patients, doctors, and nurses rushing in and out of doors, sprinting full force through the station with papers and certificates of discharge for those lucky enough to have departed today. It felt like Times Square does at its peak hour, where everyone is dashing home after a long and stressful day at work, with people switching from one errand to the next completely frantic and in a hurry - creating disorder.

As today marks the first day after the holiday season, it entails that all stations here at the psychiatric ward are now open again and everything will be 'normal' again. The patients that came to my station, 6B, over the break because their station was closed all went back to their original station. Not only did those patients leave, but many were discharged as well; including two close friends of mine. With all these occurences happening today, it's suffice to say that the doctor's had a lot on their hands this morning; the station was in constant motion and there was never a dull moment.

It's always sad to see people leave, especially when I have grown so close with them. It seems that everyone can go home at one point or another; everyone except for me. Excluding my time at down at the intensive station, I have been here at 6B for 9 weeks already, or more - I'm not entirely sure. Out of all the remaining patients here, I have been here the longest and am one of the only people who has no idea how much longer I have to stay. Whenever I ask the doctor's what my close future holds for me, and when I might be able to go home, they simply say, "oh we'll see next week." Hearing this week after week becomes quite frustrating as it isn't a clear answer. Yet there is nothing I can do.

I just need to keep doing my thing and hope that everything works out.

Nothing Got Me Down Today

Waking up to the ever-so-silent pitter-patter of the raindrops hitting the windowsill felt almost like a greeting from the outside world to me today, with the rain casually dropping by unnanounced, welcoming me. Although the rain remained the entire day, creating a dreary atmosphere, it had zero effect on my mood today - I was completely content and at peace with myself, which I haven't been one hundred percent in a rather long time. And despite the unfortunate weather conditions and having to re-arrange our plans for the day as my dad and me wanted to go ice skating, we had a lovely time together.

Today was the last day with my dad until the Easter holiday at the end of March. We spent as much time together today as we could; simply enjoying each other's company. Nothing got in the way of us having a good time.

Now that I think about it, a lot could have set me off today, leaving me uncomfortable or anxious, but it didn't:

• The fact that I had to be back at the station for both lunch and dinner which I didn't have to last weekend.
• The weather - non-stop rainfall with extreme winds.
• That my dad is leaving tomorrow and I won't see him for a long time.
• That we had to change our itinerary for the day - I can't stand it when things don't go as planned. I've always been organized and loved having a plan, yet it has gotten a lot worse since I've developed anorexia.
• Having nothing planned for the afternoon and being forced to relax. My eating disorder really loathes me when I lounge around and 'am lazy' by not being physically active in one way or another.

The list goes on. As you can see, none of this influenced me today; absolutely nothing; nada.

Instead of going ice skating, my dad and me went to the museum in the morning, visiting and analyzing three beautiful exhibitions - one about Gustav Klimt and Egon Schiele; one focusing on the development of nude art pieces over time and one regarding Japan. All were lovely. In the afternoon, as we had nothing precise planned, we simply relaxed at home by watching the slalom ski race and the ski jump tournament on the television. In both events, an Austrian won - yay - and that was just the icing on the cake for such a perfect day spent with someone I love so insanely much.

I love you dad and I'll see you soon.

Successfully Eating Out

Everything about tonight was perfect; it was the perfect end to the perfect day - honestly. Tonight marked the second successful eating out experience that I have had since the summer. This time, it was with my dad. Simply seeing his reactions to eating at a restaurant with me - where I consumed a proper meal without any modifications to the menu - was breathtaking. His comments regarding just how far I have come were taken to heart by me.

Like I said previously, it really was the perfect evening. We basically had a private driver that 'dropped us off' at the restaurant as we were the only guests on the bus. That was followed to being the only dining guests at the lovely restaurant that has a view to die for - overlooking the Viennese skyline. Not only were we the only guests, we also had all the waiters at hand, constantly checking up on us, making both my dad and me feel like royalty to an extent.

The candlelight dinner was amazing. I did not restrict during the day to 'save up my calories' for my meal out nor did I miss out on taking my three supplement drinks. I did not hesitate upon ordering my lovely, delicious meal. I did not worry about what my meal entailed and consisted of. It's still hard for me to acknowledge this, but I was actually looking forward to this meal and boy, I was anything but disappointed - my tastebuds were watering by simply looking at the plate placed in front of me. The food itself was delicious; why yes, I enjoyed my meal to a great extent. On top of all of this amazing news, the conversation that occured throughout dinner was heavenly and intriguing - it had nothing to do with food; I was calm and not thinking about my meal; and there was an overall very calm and serene atmosphere.

To say that tonight was perfect might even be an understatement.

It Seems Like It's Never Enough

Today is friday, which for me means it was yet a further weigh-in day. Another day where I spent the night before eating copious amounts of food to ensure that everything runs smoothly; my anxiety is sky high up until I know the results of the scale and I just don't feel good overall because of all the stress that my weight has on my therapy and 'privileges' here.

The good news is that I gained a sufficient amount of weight from wednesday to today - yay I guess; I keep telling myself that I need to gain weight, that it's good for me, because statistically, according to the BMI chart and all, I am still severly underweight even though I can't always rationalize this as I have already gained so much weight. Yet although I gained quite a lot over the last two days, my privileges were cut short. 

Why? I don't understand. I mean, it always depends on the doctor who partakes in the daily visit when we have them and what their particular standpoint is of the current situation. Today, for instance, I was informed that I would no longer be able to drink my supplement drinks on my own - I would need to take them in supervision again and then sit next to the caretakers for half an hour once the drink has been consumed. Additionally I do not have full night-leave from saturday to sunday like I did last weekend even though I weighed less then. Yes I have night-leave but I need to be in for lunch on both days. Now I don't mind having lunch at the station here, I just can't follow the thought process of the doctors as to why I don't even have the option of a full night-leave from saturday morning to sunday evening like last weekend - same for taking the supplement drinks. Up until today, for the past two weeks, I was able to drink them without supervision. 

Although I weigh more now than I have since the summer, these two 'priveleges' were taken away from me today. Someone please explain this to me as I am finding it incredibly difficult to accept.

My Concentration's Coming Back

Up until a week ago, I found it incredibly difficult to read just a few pages in a book without drifting away into my own little world, that is still sometimes plagued by thoughts revolving around food unfortunately. It was like a Christmas miracle that I am able to read books again without having to read the same page over and over because it just wasn't possible for me to focus long enough to finish reading just one single page. How bizarre is that?

Most of us take our concentration for granted. I did as well, until I lost mine. While I was down at the intensive station up until last week, my concentration was severly lacking. It was a sign that my brain wasn't being supplied with all the proper nutrients and such. It showed that the exchanges going on inside of my body were still not up to par. In the previously mentioned time frame, I attempted to read a book five, maybe six times - I never made it past page 30 on any of my efforts; not because the book was boring or I couldn't follow the storyline, but because I kept wandering to other places with my thoughts.

Thankfully this is starting to take an end. Last week, I successfully finished my first book since last summer. And today, I finished my second. I may not be able to read 100, or 200 pages in one sitting yet; but 30 to 50 is manageable and I couldn't be happier. Slowly but surely I am gaining back my concentration and reading is just one of the signs that confirms this.

A Little Reminder

Dear Anorexia,

You have taken away my life. My ability to enjoy food. My health. My love for company. My energy. My confidence. My friends. My social life. My sense of self-worth. My love for anything really. The warmth in my fingers. To sum it up: everything I hold dear you have grasped.

It's time for me to take it all back. 2013 is a new year and everything is different - I am taking back control. None of those aspects were yours to begin with. I'm sick of your lies. I'm sick of what you have turned me into. I'm done giving in to you. You are not freedom. You're the definition of enslavement.

This is my life. Mine.
Food is not the enemy you know, you are.

With love,
Hannah

Last Year was Bittersweet

I must say that I've gone through a lot this year and that there has been lots of changes. 2012 was probably the most radical year for me. 

There were bad days, weeks, months - hours filled with obsessing over weight, calories and macros, the negative thoughts, and those wretched rituals. The innumerable amount of days that were ruined because of the thoughts running through my mind nonstop - thoughts about being too ugly, too fat, worthless; you name it. I ruined an incredible amount of relationships, not only with friends but with family members as well, by avoiding them as I completely withdrew myself from society. Nights were spent at home, locked up in my room, secretly partaking in physical activity of whatever form was possible while hiding from the outside world - complete isolation. I was entrenched in my thoughts regarding food - nothing else mattered. My eating disorder was in full force; it controlled me. Numbers and scales dominated everything about me. On a positive note, 2012 is also the year when I decided to recover from anorexia, to slowly gain back both my physical and mental health, as well as forming a great quantity of new friendships.

Let's recapture both the high's and low's of 2012:

• I graduated High School

• I moved back to Vienna, leaving Japan behind me

• I had no social life during senior year and lost contact to almost everyone

• I missed out on a quarter of the school year because I was unable to go to school due to my disorder - I was too worn out

• My family and I tried the Maudsley Approach in regards to battling my anorexia, a Family Based Treatment, with minimal success

• I was admitted to the hospital on August 30 and am still here today

• I was sectioned by law and the government was involved as I refused to stay at a hospital and get help

• I was in the only intense psychiatric station of Austria for two months where they saved my life

• I nearly died

• I was fed over the nasogastric tube as I was unable to consume proper food since all my organs were failing

• I ordered my first proper meal at a restaurant again - funghi pizza, anyone?

• I took on my battle with anorexia and will continue to fight

There must be many more events that qualify for my list, but that's all I can think of at the moment. I will update it whenever I remember an occurence.

Excuse the language, but this disorder can go screw itself. I am scared of what's to come in my ongoing battle, but I also know that it needs to be done. 2012 was bad, but that doesn't mean that 2013 will be. 2013 is a canvas for me to paint however I want. 2013 is my year.