Your Future Is In Your Hands

Do you want to grow old with an eating disorder? Do you want to spend the next five, ten, fifteen - however many years really - of your life miserable, cold, alone, and drowning in self-hatred? Do you want to be forced to take time off from your education, or drop out all together, because you've missed too much and are too sick to continue? Do you want to lead a life that is dedicated to calories, scales, eating disordered thoughts and other useless numbers? Do you want to have all your hair fall out; be constantly cold; develop long, fine downy hair on your body; have poor circulation and always be faint?

OR

Do you want to finish your educational pursuits, go to parties, socialize and enjoy life? Do you want to start a relationship with someone? Do you want to be able to go out with friends and order something off of a menu that you genuinely look forward to eating instead of getting what is considered 'safe' by your eating disorder? Do you want to enjoy celebrating your own wedding with a slice of wedding cake while laughing, dancing and having a good time? Do you want to have a body that functions normally and is in full health? Do you want to truly inspire others and be able to make a lasting impact on someone else's life? And most importantly, do you want to be happy, passionate, excited and free? 

Having an eating disorder wasn't my choice; it is no one's choice for that matter - it chooses you. But you can choose to recover.

Your future is in your hands; just like I am in charge of mine. And for me, that means full force with recovery.

I Wish Numbers Didn't Exist

Numbers; Figures; Digits; Integer.

Whatever you call it, it doesn't matter - all they do is haunt me, plague me, torture me. Numbers inform us of our weight, the calorie content of food, the weight of food....With numbers, everything has an absolute value. These figures rotate around my head all day, especially my weight. I know that it shouldn't bother me but that's the thing with eating disorders, our weight determines the outcome of the day - of whether it will be a good or a bad body image day, or generally. I'm trying so hard to get away from this mindset. I don't want my day to be dictated by godforsaken numbers. 

I want to be able to wake up and not care what the scale says. 
I don't want my weight to determine my mental wellbeing for the day.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see regardless of the numbers.
I want to be able to forget about the numbers for an entire day.
I want to be able to live freely - without being bound to these digits that only affect me negatively.

I wish there was only mirrors, not scales. When I look in the mirror, I see myself and my body for what it really is - skin and bones. Although I've already gained 11 kilograms since the beginning of my stay, I still have a long way to go in terms of my weight; and I know that. But seeing the scale go up terrifies me to death, yet I know that looking in the mirror, I desperately need it to. And I know that. It's just easier to accept when looking at my reflection rather than focusing on those numbers.