A Constant Coming and Going

Chaos - patients, doctors, and nurses rushing in and out of doors, sprinting full force through the station with papers and certificates of discharge for those lucky enough to have departed today. It felt like Times Square does at its peak hour, where everyone is dashing home after a long and stressful day at work, with people switching from one errand to the next completely frantic and in a hurry - creating disorder.

As today marks the first day after the holiday season, it entails that all stations here at the psychiatric ward are now open again and everything will be 'normal' again. The patients that came to my station, 6B, over the break because their station was closed all went back to their original station. Not only did those patients leave, but many were discharged as well; including two close friends of mine. With all these occurences happening today, it's suffice to say that the doctor's had a lot on their hands this morning; the station was in constant motion and there was never a dull moment.

It's always sad to see people leave, especially when I have grown so close with them. It seems that everyone can go home at one point or another; everyone except for me. Excluding my time at down at the intensive station, I have been here at 6B for 9 weeks already, or more - I'm not entirely sure. Out of all the remaining patients here, I have been here the longest and am one of the only people who has no idea how much longer I have to stay. Whenever I ask the doctor's what my close future holds for me, and when I might be able to go home, they simply say, "oh we'll see next week." Hearing this week after week becomes quite frustrating as it isn't a clear answer. Yet there is nothing I can do.

I just need to keep doing my thing and hope that everything works out.

It Seems Like It's Never Enough

Today is friday, which for me means it was yet a further weigh-in day. Another day where I spent the night before eating copious amounts of food to ensure that everything runs smoothly; my anxiety is sky high up until I know the results of the scale and I just don't feel good overall because of all the stress that my weight has on my therapy and 'privileges' here.

The good news is that I gained a sufficient amount of weight from wednesday to today - yay I guess; I keep telling myself that I need to gain weight, that it's good for me, because statistically, according to the BMI chart and all, I am still severly underweight even though I can't always rationalize this as I have already gained so much weight. Yet although I gained quite a lot over the last two days, my privileges were cut short. 

Why? I don't understand. I mean, it always depends on the doctor who partakes in the daily visit when we have them and what their particular standpoint is of the current situation. Today, for instance, I was informed that I would no longer be able to drink my supplement drinks on my own - I would need to take them in supervision again and then sit next to the caretakers for half an hour once the drink has been consumed. Additionally I do not have full night-leave from saturday to sunday like I did last weekend even though I weighed less then. Yes I have night-leave but I need to be in for lunch on both days. Now I don't mind having lunch at the station here, I just can't follow the thought process of the doctors as to why I don't even have the option of a full night-leave from saturday morning to sunday evening like last weekend - same for taking the supplement drinks. Up until today, for the past two weeks, I was able to drink them without supervision. 

Although I weigh more now than I have since the summer, these two 'priveleges' were taken away from me today. Someone please explain this to me as I am finding it incredibly difficult to accept.

Relief

Although the approach I tried to take towards the ultimatum that I was presented with this time as opposed to last was a lot better, it did still cause me a lot of stress. The approach was healthier, yes. But I still struggled in finding a balance between enough food and too much.

Regardless; everything worked out! I gained enough weight so I am able to spend the night at home. I am able to enjoy myself tonight. Tonight will be celebrated. Tomorrow I will write a long post about how last year was for me and the goals that I have for next - you'll all have to wait and see.

I wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR! May all your wishes and goals come true. For myself, I only have one goal for the upcoming year: to gain my life back one step at a time and to ultimately be happy, because if I can achieve that, it means that everything else will have fallen into place.

Another Ultimatum, Really?

Just like for the night from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day, the doctor's have given me yet another Ultimatum for New Year's Eve.

Why? I don't understand why they do this to me. I told them how stressful it was by being given an ultimatum like that; telling me that if I don't gain x grams, I can't stay at home and spend time with the ones I love. Last time I simply stuffed everything I saw into myself to ensure that I would reach their criteria. But the stomach pains that came from eating so much; the mental battle that I faced; the disordered behaviors that surfaced - all of that, the doctor's don't care about those aspects of one's recovery it seems. All they care about is the weight gain. But to me, that's not all. An eating disorder is so much more than just the weight gain as it has a lot to do with one's mentality as well.

I told the doctor's how hard last weekend was because of the ultimatum and how much pressure I put myself under just to make certain that I could go home for Christmas. Although I informed them of the situation and how difficult it was mentally - and physically, as I had severe cramps from all the food - the doctor's did not take any of my comments into consideration. Why? I don't understand.

This time, I am approaching the whole matter differently. I will not have a repeat of last weekend; that was not normal. I will simply eat my three main meals and consume my three supplement drinks as that is hard enough as it is. It should be enough, it has to. If it isn't, then I don't know what I should do as I can't force this weight gain onto me. Weight gain is something that takes time - it doesn't happen over night. It also isn't recommended to rapidly gain weight.

If I can't get night-leave for New Year's Eve I don't know what I'll do yet. But I will make a scene at the station in front of the doctor's as it isn't fair that others get to go home and I can't. All others from the station already know whether they are allowed to stay the night at home; everyone except for me. 

I'm giving it my all, and that should count too.

Eating out of Pure Frustration

Before I begin to compile my thoughts and vent about my boring old life, may I just say Happy Fourth of Advent everyone! It's amazing how fast time flies this time of year - it just goes to show just how much there is to do before the Big Day tomorrow. I can't believe it'll be Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve; December 24th - that's tomorrow. This is a day that you spend with loved ones. It is a day filled with joy, exuberance and festivities.

For me, it all depends on tomorrow's weigh-in. The head doctor decided on Friday, similar to an ultimatum, that if I don't gain x grams over the weekend, I will not be able to spend the night that is supposed to be so breathtaking - that I've been anticipating all year long - at home. How unfair is that? Possibly keeping me from my family on Christmas Eve. I hate how everything is so dependent on my weight and whether or not I gain y grams every time there is a weigh-in. Weight fluctuates, doctor's should know that too. Sometimes I really do not understand their reasoning.

Therefore I have been doing everything in my power to ensure that tomorrow's weigh-in goes by smoothly. Not only have I eaten my three main meals completely and consumed my three supplement drinks both yesterday and today, I ate extra - out of pure frustration at the world. I don't think I've ingested this much food in I don't know how long. I struggled with my thoughts this weekend - with my disordered behaviors - and feelings of uselessness and simply being 'fat' were not uncommon during this period. I think that it had to do with the guilt that came with eating all this extra food.

I did this all for tomorrow. If they don't let me stay at home on Christmas Eve, I don't know what I'll do - they can't keep me here. 

I really gave it my all; that's all I can do. I hope for the best

I Wish Numbers Didn't Exist

Numbers; Figures; Digits; Integer.

Whatever you call it, it doesn't matter - all they do is haunt me, plague me, torture me. Numbers inform us of our weight, the calorie content of food, the weight of food....With numbers, everything has an absolute value. These figures rotate around my head all day, especially my weight. I know that it shouldn't bother me but that's the thing with eating disorders, our weight determines the outcome of the day - of whether it will be a good or a bad body image day, or generally. I'm trying so hard to get away from this mindset. I don't want my day to be dictated by godforsaken numbers. 

I want to be able to wake up and not care what the scale says. 
I don't want my weight to determine my mental wellbeing for the day.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see regardless of the numbers.
I want to be able to forget about the numbers for an entire day.
I want to be able to live freely - without being bound to these digits that only affect me negatively.

I wish there was only mirrors, not scales. When I look in the mirror, I see myself and my body for what it really is - skin and bones. Although I've already gained 11 kilograms since the beginning of my stay, I still have a long way to go in terms of my weight; and I know that. But seeing the scale go up terrifies me to death, yet I know that looking in the mirror, I desperately need it to. And I know that. It's just easier to accept when looking at my reflection rather than focusing on those numbers.

Gaining Their Trust Slowly But Surely

The last three weekends, I had night-leave from Saturday to Sunday; yet I still needed to be here for a certain period of time. I was only allowed to leave Saturday after lunch as long as I was back for lunch the following day. Up until now, the doctors did not want me to have to deal with so many meals outside of the hospital just yet; as they thought it would be too overwhelming. They were right. It takes a lot of time and patience to get used to eating at home again; or better yet, not in the hospital - regardless of where I eat.

I have consecutively shown them that I can manage fine by eating meals outside as my weight has been progressively going up. Therefore, today at the doctors round, without my having to ask or argue whatsoever, the head doctor simply said that I would have a night-leave pass like everyone else this time - as it is the next step in my recovery process. I am allowed to leave tomorrow (Saturday) after breakfast and only have to return again on Sunday at 8 pm.

What I'll be doing exactly is still out in the open; I might be here for lunch, I might not. Who cares. 

All I care about is the fact that I have proven not only to myself but to the doctors as well, that everything is going uphill.

A Big Sigh of Relief

Yesterday I mentioned going to bed feeling very tense, uneasy and anxious at the thought of today's weigh-in because of my dilemma. Well, it's over now and I'm still here; standing tall - both figuratively and literally, haha.

This morning was horrid. I was shaking stepping onto the scale and had my eyes shut tightly out of fear. Slowly gaining enough courage, I gradually open first my right and then my left eye, staring at the number. Thankfully there was no drastic change; my weight didn't plummet - it stayed the same. It was as if my prayer's had been answered because the last time I had an upset stomach, I was put on station lockdown as I had lost weight; but not this time. In my head, I immediately started doing a happy dance. A huge sense of relief spread all over my body and I was ready to face the day.

Another incredibly positive outcome of today is that my mom arrived back from Germany tonight. She is now back for the time being. It's good to have my mommy back, I've missed her tremendously.

"Monday Funday"

Normally people dread Mondays as it's the day after the perfect weekend of relaxing and not thinking about one's responsibilities and work. Like Garfield, who hates Mondays with a passion, I generally do too as I always long for the weekend to be drawn-out because it feels so nice to be at home with my mom.

But today was different, today was a good Monday. Everything worked out and was positive even though my mom left to Germany this morning. 

The day started off with amazing news - I gained weight again over the weekend! Which means that all my hard work is paying off. It also showed me that I am capable of gaining weight by myself as well as I spend the majority of my weekend outside of the hospital.

The positivite atmosphere continued all the way through ergotherapy, where I started my next acryllic piece - this time it's for the living room in our new apartment. Ergotherapy is definitely my favorite therapy session as it allows me to be creative and during the therapy, I forget about everything else - not worrying about my body, calories, and food - solely focusing on the task at hand. I eagerly await ergotherapy like a little child waiting for Santa every morning.

In the afternoon, with the help of my grandfather, I managed to accomplish every task that I set out to do - buying my little cousin's birthday present, going to the phone shop as an update didn't install itself, photocopying an article about anancastic personalities that my doctor gave me to read, as well as a quick layover at home to pick up my laundry. It was very productive to say the least, but I didn't stress myself, which is something that I've been working on as I have always been easily stressed and overwhelmed by certain situations.

Although my mom departed once again this morning, this time to fly to Germany, I managed to occupy myself again tonight as I did not have anyone visiting me, which is rarely the case. I went to starbucks by myself as it is more comfortable to read my book there, in a nice, comfy chair rather than the hard, wooden stools that we have here at the station where I need a cushion to sit because otherwise it hurts.

And now it's time for me to say goodnight, after this oh-so-productive and affirmative day, even though it was a Monday, the day I usually dread the most.

Doctor's Approval - Thumbs Up

Today is friday. 
Friday is one of my weigh-in days. 
Friday is the day where the doctor's round determines whether I get night-leave over the weekend.
Friday is a day that scares me - the fear of not knowing if I gained weight or not as well as the fear of possibly not receiving night-leave.
Friday is a day of happiness.

Friday to me symbolizes a lot of things, as listed above. Today was an excellent Friday. 

At the doctor's round, I was informed that I had gained 700 grams from last Friday - I couldn't be happier. Like one of my friends told me, gaining weight is gaining health, gaining life, gaining freedom, gaining happiness and so much more. I felt like a child at christmas when it stands in front of its huge pile of presents and is overcome with joy, glee and excitement. That big grin on that child's face is exactly what I looked like as well upon hearing those news. The doctor's are all proud of me, of how far I've come. Today, I got the thumbs up from the head doctor here and he said that I should simply keep doing what I'm doing - which is trying my hardest to become healthy again.

I can do this.

I got the thumbs up! That says it all.

Station Lockdown

I'd be lying to myself if I were to say that today was a good day. On the contrary, it was anything but. It might have started out great - I had an excellent night of sleep, ate my favorite breakfast and finished my acryllic piece in ergotherapy - but there's an end to my exuberance, and that came with the doctor's round.

I lost a teensy amount of weight from Monday until today, something that seems insignificant to me as it is such a small number, that I received the worst news to date. For today, I was on house lockdown you can say, as I am not allowed to leave the station at all for whatever reason. That did not play well with me at all. I had plans for today, for tomorrow; and all those got shattered because of that stupid little number. Hearing the news for me was horrendous; I felt like a little child does when it finds out that Santa Claus doesn't exist - completely shattered and full of anger at the world.

That miniscule amount of weight that I had lost can be influenced by so many things - my bowel movement, the cold I had gotten and the extra calories the body now requires to heal that aspect, etc. In any case, it is something that I have no control over and just need to accept. Rationally, I know that the doctor's are only looking out for me; trying to do what's best for my recovery and general wellbeing. It's just hard to embrace the news as it is such a drastic constraint in regards to what I had planned for the following days.

Thankfully my mom was here tonight to cheer me up and reassure me that this is just another minor speed bump on my journey through recovery and won't be significant in the long run. Simply having her here beside me instantly brightens my mood and her advice and knowledge is something I cherish and really take to heart.

I genuinely hope that tomorrow is a day where I feel more stable and am in a healthier state mentally.

It's All Going Uphill

Today has been a day of laughter, of rejoice, of joy, of happiness. I woke up feeling great after a good nights sleep and my mood hasn't deteriorated in the slightest. On the contrary, it's only gotten better.

As today is friday, it was another weigh-in morning. Only this time, I didn't dread it. I was pleased to see that the number had gone up again. I couldn't hold this excitement in and keep this important piece of information to myself, so I immediately called my mom and told her the great news.

At the doctor's round, there was nothing but positive news as well. This weekend, I had received the permission to go on night-leave from Saturday to Sunday because my weight has been increasing progressively for the past couple of days with no setbacks. I, however, after having been on lockdown in the hospital the last weekend and not being able to leave the premises this week, I thought that night-leave would be too much for me right now. And that's what I told the doctor's. We came to an agreement that I am able to leave the premises in accompaniment both on Saturday and Sunday throughout the day as long as I am there for the three main meals. 

I think that that's a good stepping stone and that it's important that I don't rush into things and take on too much at once. Night-leave is something that I have in sight for the following weekend if everything goes as planned. 

Rough Times

Today is just not my day. I lost weight from my last weigh-in on Wednesday. Shit happens. And now I need to deal with the consequences in a more positive way.

Although I've been following my meal plan, finishing each meal down to the last crumb successfully, and drinking all three high-calorie supplement drinks without hesitation because I know my body needs it, I lost weight. How did this happen? Why, I don't understand. Why me? I've been giving it my all for so long, why punish me like this? The answer is simple - I don't understand; it's not rational - it just doesn't make sense.

Yes, weight fluctuates but I don't understand why the doctor's need to punish me for this since I've been giving it my all. Maybe my drop in weight also has to do with the fact that i had a stomach virus yesterday.

Anyway, regardless of the reason behind this shit result, the consequences are unjust - or so I believe. I am no longer allowed to walk around the premises by myself, only with visitors. And I can no longer leave the premises at all. This, of course, ruined all of my plans for the weekend.

I had several talks with the doctor's today regarding this topic, but no one listened to me. They said that there is nothing I can do to change their mind for this weekend until the next weigh-in, that I'll be having on Monday. Hopefully everything will go as planned and I will not have lost any more weight, but will have gained a bit back. I need this and I hope that my body realizes this.

Sometimes are bodies function irrationally, and I need to be fine with it. Not everything always goes as planned.