Italian, Anyone?

For the last 1.5 years, I have not ordered a proper meal at a restaurant.

For the last 1.5 years, I have always stuck to ordering soups or the lowest calorie options when dining out.

For the last 1.5 years, I have dreaded restaurants - all the people and social stress, the overwhelming array of meals and trying to decipher which one is safest to consume.

For the last 1.5 years, I have not been myself when being at a restaurant as my thoughts simply revolved solely around the meal.

All that changed tonight.

I went to dinner being myself for the first time in god knows how long. I met up with two of my best friends at 6 pm at my favorite restaurant in Vienna, which coincidentally, is an Italian restaurant that belongs to my great cousin. The food there is to die for and I had always loved going there; so I thought, why not start there? And so it was.

Looking at the menu, I instantly knew I wanted a pizza. I ordered a pizza funghi and didn't have second thoughts. I knew there'd be a lot of cheese on it and that the pizza would be made from white flour and not whole wheat flour, but did that stop me from eating the whole lot (except for the crust, because I've never been a fan of that)? No. That's right, I ate the entire pizza.

While elegantly dining out and enjoying our food, I did not second guess myself at all. I held normal, everyday conversations with my friends and there was no time for negative thoughts.  It was amazing; the whole experience.

And to finish off this amazing blog post, might I just say that the pizza was delicious and exceeded my expectations. I'm so proud of what I've achieved today.

Gaining Independence

Although I notified the doctor's yesterday during their visit that I would not be going on night-leave, I had the option today as a letter was prepared for me to allow me to go on leave as well as all my medication, including my caloric drink supplements.

I told the nurses this morning that I would not be going on night-leave, but they gave me all my meds and the supplement drinks anyway and said that I was fully responsible regarding my health both today and tomorrow.

It was up to me to turn up to the main meals, that I said I would eat here at the station as well as take my medication at the appropriate times while also making sure that I would take my three supplement drinks. Everything is up to me over the weekend although I am not going on night-leave.

Although I was gone in the afternoon with my mom and my best friend, visiting a 'Christkindlmarkt' to soak up some holiday spirit, I managed to drink my supplement drink in public; amongst other people. It's a huge fear of mine, being judged by others, and being able to simply consume my drink amongst a crowd was remarkable. It was so hard to overcome this irrational fear, and I was shaking throughout the process as I was so taken by the people around me. But I managed to drink everything, and that's what counts.

I'm so proud of myself today, of managing everything by myself. I enjoyed today so far. I'm learning how to become independent again - in small steps.

It's All Going Uphill

Today has been a day of laughter, of rejoice, of joy, of happiness. I woke up feeling great after a good nights sleep and my mood hasn't deteriorated in the slightest. On the contrary, it's only gotten better.

As today is friday, it was another weigh-in morning. Only this time, I didn't dread it. I was pleased to see that the number had gone up again. I couldn't hold this excitement in and keep this important piece of information to myself, so I immediately called my mom and told her the great news.

At the doctor's round, there was nothing but positive news as well. This weekend, I had received the permission to go on night-leave from Saturday to Sunday because my weight has been increasing progressively for the past couple of days with no setbacks. I, however, after having been on lockdown in the hospital the last weekend and not being able to leave the premises this week, I thought that night-leave would be too much for me right now. And that's what I told the doctor's. We came to an agreement that I am able to leave the premises in accompaniment both on Saturday and Sunday throughout the day as long as I am there for the three main meals. 

I think that that's a good stepping stone and that it's important that I don't rush into things and take on too much at once. Night-leave is something that I have in sight for the following weekend if everything goes as planned. 

First Breaths of Fresh Air Since August

Although today is a Saturday, which means that there is no therapy sessions, no doctor's appointments - everything is still, dull and boring pretty much. Additionally, as is common at the station, patients are allowed to have weekend leave and stay at home from Saturday to Sunday. This meant that hardly anyone was here at all during the day.

But that didn't matter to me. Today was extraordinary; it couldn't have gone any better. With the doctor's yesterday, during their daily round, we decided that although it is still too early for me to have a weekend leave, I am allowed to leave the premises in accompaniment with someone else. And today marks that day. That very special day.

Today is the first time since the end of August that I inhaled fresh air. I was able to feel the cool, misty breeze brush gently across my face while I tried to stay hidden from the cold with my eskimo hat and fluffy scarf. What a relief it was to finally be outside again. It feels like a part of me that I haven't had since coming here has returned - now that I am able to go outside without fainting, freezing, or whatever other problem there might occur.

It was only fitting that today's outing would have to be extra special just because. So I went to go see the new James Bond movie Skyfall that aired three days ago here with one of my really close friends. To say it was fabulous and fantastic is an understatement. It was beyond anything I could imagine. It was sublime.

I loved every minute of today and will continue to do so tonight. Thankfully there is two other patients who decided not to take their night leave - even though they could've gone - and we are going to play board games soon. I'm excited for that as well.

Goodnight everyone, I hope you've all had a splendid day; just like me.

New Impressions

Being one of the newbies of any station is always scary, at least for me. It consistently causes me anxiety attacks because I am so terrified of what the others think of me: Will they like me? Will they think I'm funny? Will I fit in? Will I stand out because of my international background? Will they like me? 

These questions have been running around inside my head for the last day non-stop. No matter who I talk to, I'm shy and awkward - at least I think I am. I'm deathly afraid of being judged by them; by not living up to certain expectations. I think the reason I am so self-conscious is because I'm still not used to myself and that I can't accept others until I've fully accepted myself for all that I am.

Anyway, today was filled with meeting new people, some of which turn out to be pretty amazing individuals once I got talking. As people know, I'm only very shy, timid and withholding at the beginning when I don't know the person well.

I talked to almost everyone that was here at the station today, exchanging at least a phrase with them - I am so proud of myself for this because I would never approach strangers and say good morning or bon appetit! in the past. I even played a board game with three others: A, B and C. Along with D and E, they are my closest friends here right now - the people I hang out with. It feels good to know that you have others close by that are there for you. For example, one of them promised me that whenever I need something or someone to help cheer me up, that he's here to listen to my problems and play boardgames/do puzzles with me. 

It's people like this that make my stay here more enjoyable :)



** I'm keeping names anonymous for obvious reasons - their privacy; hence the letters.