It's All Going Uphill

Today has been a day of laughter, of rejoice, of joy, of happiness. I woke up feeling great after a good nights sleep and my mood hasn't deteriorated in the slightest. On the contrary, it's only gotten better.

As today is friday, it was another weigh-in morning. Only this time, I didn't dread it. I was pleased to see that the number had gone up again. I couldn't hold this excitement in and keep this important piece of information to myself, so I immediately called my mom and told her the great news.

At the doctor's round, there was nothing but positive news as well. This weekend, I had received the permission to go on night-leave from Saturday to Sunday because my weight has been increasing progressively for the past couple of days with no setbacks. I, however, after having been on lockdown in the hospital the last weekend and not being able to leave the premises this week, I thought that night-leave would be too much for me right now. And that's what I told the doctor's. We came to an agreement that I am able to leave the premises in accompaniment both on Saturday and Sunday throughout the day as long as I am there for the three main meals. 

I think that that's a good stepping stone and that it's important that I don't rush into things and take on too much at once. Night-leave is something that I have in sight for the following weekend if everything goes as planned. 

Food is Fuel

This station, 6B, is specifically for people with eating disorders, sleeping disorders and those with anxiety stares. Because of this, there is a broad range of people here. Out of the 16 people currently here, only two others suffer from anorexia nervosa. Like me, they are trying their hardest to gain weight and become healthy. 

I am expected to finish all of my meals and drink all of my supplement drinks by the doctors, just as I was down in the intensive station. I can honestly say that I have achieved this every day since coming here as I have not given in to my eating disorder that far; the only thing that's been bringing me down is the thoughts. They've been stronger lately.

But that's beside the point, what I'm trying to say is that it's hard to finish meal after meal, making sure that every little crumb is taken care of by my tummy while I sit across from others at the table who barely touch their food. I know that they aren't here to gain weight like me, but it just makes it so much more difficult and agonizing to eat, knowing that there is people here who do not need to eat that much. This, of course, makes me feel guilty for eating. But do I give in to my eating disorder? Do I listen to those thoughts? Do I use my anorexic rituals? The answer is quite simple - No. I am stronger. I choose life. 

I keep telling myself that the food I eat is fuel for my body, that my body needs the nutrients to become healthy once again. 

It's Not Always as Topsy-Turvy as it Appears

My posts on this blog here tend to be quite positive, which in no way means that recovery is a smooth and easy-going process and that there is no negative thoughts or rituals involved. I do still have daily moments in which my anorexic tendencies surface in one way, shape or form. Just because I do not document it, does not mean that my recovery is easy going in any way.

Eating is still hard, I still struggle with every bite. But I am learning to deal with it by trying to enjoy what I take in. I hope to be able to fully enjoy food again soon. Moments still occur in which I regret taking that last bite, or finishing off a particular scary meal that contains several fear foods. Thoughts that come up on occasion involve: Why did you eat that, you already had enough; You don't need that; You're disgusting and don't deserve to treat yourself. I still have these thoughts, but I try not to dwell and listen to them.

I created this blog to have an outlet. On here, I document the positive things that occur during each day so that when I'm feeling down and not well - having anorexic thoughts - that I have a place to turn to and see just how far I have come. Documenting the negative aspects of my recovery would not do me any good as I don't want to be reminded of them, but rather of all the positives and all the successes I've achieved.

On a positive, I believe that I'm past that point in recovery where I'd contemplate ever going fully back to my disorder or try to lose weight. I'm coming to value my mental state more than my physical state and appearance these days which makes gaining weight easier to deal with. 

My Blood Count is Finally Stabilizing Itself

Now I know I seldomly comment on my actual wellbeing in regards to health and all the medical terminology. And since I received good news regarding my body today, there is nothing hindering me from letting you all know:

My blood count is finally beginning to stabilize itself.

Now, after two months of intensive care this crucial process has finally begun, just like when a cocoon is on its way to becoming the most beautiful, decadent little butterfly out there. I've been in the hospital for nearly two months now (it will be two months exactly on October 30), and the amount of attention and work that was put into my health, specifically my blood count in this case, is insane - they have gone above and beyond, completely out of reach; just like the basketball hoop is for me when I play. 

My white blood cell count is still too low, but it is beginning to increase. If I remember correctly, I've received three injections of white blood cells into my system because they were so low at times. Additionally I required two blood transfusions because of my low red blood cell count, amongst other things. My blood count was pretty screwed up from everything I put my body through, to say the least. And it has only now, two months into the process of nursing me back to health, started to function properly again - according to the results from the latest blood test; the one that was done this morning. It's crazy to think how long something like this takes. It just comes to show how much damage I put myself through, I can't believe I ever let it get that defective.

Only now is my body able to provide the correct nutrients to start to function on its own. It's a sign that my body is finally starting to heal as well, returning back to normal slowly but steadily. 

Giving Hope & Spreading Life

We all know from school that wikipedia is something that we shouldn't use to cite, just like it is rude to talk on you mobile phone while being on public transportation. It is a given; basically. I must admit that I am quite worn out today because I've been on another outing, had physiotherapy and a busy day in general, so let's just make an exception just this once and use wikipedia.

Sadako Sasaki, who lived in Hiroshima at the time of the atomic bombing by the United States, developed leukemia from the radiation and spent her time in a nursing home creating origami cranes in hope of making a thousand of them. She was inspired to do so by the Japanese legend that one who created a thousand origami cranes would then be granted a wish. Her wish was simply to live. However, she managed to fold only 644 cranes before she became too weak to fold any more, and died on October 25th, 1955. Her friends and family helped finish her dream by folding the rest of the cranes, which were buried with Sadako.

Now, every year on Obon Day, which is a holiday in Japan to remember the departed spirits of one's ancestors, thousands of people leave paper cranes near the statue of Sadako. On the statue is a plaque: "This is our cry. This is our prayer. Peace on Earth." 

Japanese culture has treasured the crane as a symbol of honor, loyalty and peace. To me, it is also a symbol of hope. I, much like Sadako, simply want to be able to live again and for that reason, I have decided to conquer this project - to fold 1,000 paper cranes. I know that I have to complete this within a year and I am determined to finish this full force, pouring my heart and soul into every little twist and turn that is required to create these beauties.

The beginning of my collection.

I want nothing more than to live again; to be able to enjoy life and be healthy. That's all I crave.