My Concentration's Coming Back

Up until a week ago, I found it incredibly difficult to read just a few pages in a book without drifting away into my own little world, that is still sometimes plagued by thoughts revolving around food unfortunately. It was like a Christmas miracle that I am able to read books again without having to read the same page over and over because it just wasn't possible for me to focus long enough to finish reading just one single page. How bizarre is that?

Most of us take our concentration for granted. I did as well, until I lost mine. While I was down at the intensive station up until last week, my concentration was severly lacking. It was a sign that my brain wasn't being supplied with all the proper nutrients and such. It showed that the exchanges going on inside of my body were still not up to par. In the previously mentioned time frame, I attempted to read a book five, maybe six times - I never made it past page 30 on any of my efforts; not because the book was boring or I couldn't follow the storyline, but because I kept wandering to other places with my thoughts.

Thankfully this is starting to take an end. Last week, I successfully finished my first book since last summer. And today, I finished my second. I may not be able to read 100, or 200 pages in one sitting yet; but 30 to 50 is manageable and I couldn't be happier. Slowly but surely I am gaining back my concentration and reading is just one of the signs that confirms this.

Exhausted - Busy Day Comes To An End

Today was unbelievable; I had not a minute to spare or the time to relax even the slightest. It was all hectic, stressful, chaotic - the whole nine yards. Like I said, there was no room for de-stressing and unwinding as I was on the move the whole day because of my heel.

My right heel has been aching whenever I walk and come in contact with it through the movement. All of last week the doctor's tried to get me an appointment at the orthopaedic station here at the hospital but it is incredibly difficult to get one - just like it is almost impossible to find a four leaf clover in a vast grass field. As this debacle did nothing to help heal my heel or ease the pain, the doctor's decided on Monday that it would be best for me to go to the acute emergency ward as they would take several X-rays and hopefully figure out what is wrong.

Well, turns out that the wait at the emergency ward, that started at 8 am, and the resulting X-rays that I took did nothing to help my situation. The doctor simply told me that there is nothing visible on the X-ray and that I need to go to the orthopaedic station. Great, I thought, that'll take forever as it was impossible to set up an appointment. Luckily, as a nurse went with me, in the hope that it would help us get through the wait quicker, the wait was bearable.

Shortly after 11 am, after three hours of running around in the hospital for my heel, I was informed that I have a calcaneal spur on my right heel, which is nothing different than a heel spur. The doctor said that it is still in the early stages and can be regulated with insoles, a specific cream and distinct stretching exercises for the strained muscle.

Arriving at the station around noon, lunch was already here and I had no time to have a quick breather. After lunch I was told that the orthopaedic specialist would arrive at 1 pm to conform my insoles. Well, he never came at 1 pm and I was forced to wait as it was crucial for me to get these specialized insoles to ensure that my heel spur wouldn't worsen. I waited for him to arrive until 6 pm - which is when he finally showed up without an apology or a simple sorry; nothing of that sort.

I spent the entire day running around and completing tasks for my heel. At least now I know what to do to help ease the pain and hopefully, with time, the heel spur will lessen and go away completely.

And now it's time to relax with a bath - I deserve that after all the stress that was caused by my heel tonight.

"You look better"

Those three words you look better, or any other form that brings across the same message, such as you look healthier, has taken up a whole new meaning ever since my arrival down at the intensive station. I no longer dread those words.

Last year when I tried to recover on my own, with the help of my parents through the Maudsley Method, I couldn't bare those words. Hearing them - hearing that I was getting healthier; getting my life back in a sense - was pure torture because it meant that I was distancing myself from the anorexic thoughts, behaviors, etc. Back then I was still so intertwined in my eating disorder that the thought that I was slowly returning back to my old self was anything but pleasant news. Everytime I heard a remark such as "you look better" my world shattered into a million pieces - just like that of a little child when it discovers that Santa Claus and the Toothfairy don't exist - and the negative thoughts started racing in my mind. Comments like "You're a failure for gaining weight", "See, you heard them, you're getting fat" and "Don't listen to them, they don't know what's good for you. But I do, stop eating; you don't deserve it" would circulate in my mind for hours on end after a comment regarding my eating disorder was made that was supposed to be positive.

Now, everything is completely different.

When I hear those words now, instead of being in shock and pure hatred at the person who delivered those news, I am thrilled as it means that others can physically tell that I am getting better. Like I said before, I no longer dread those words; on the contrary, I am overcome with joy when hearing them. 

Rough Times

Today is just not my day. I lost weight from my last weigh-in on Wednesday. Shit happens. And now I need to deal with the consequences in a more positive way.

Although I've been following my meal plan, finishing each meal down to the last crumb successfully, and drinking all three high-calorie supplement drinks without hesitation because I know my body needs it, I lost weight. How did this happen? Why, I don't understand. Why me? I've been giving it my all for so long, why punish me like this? The answer is simple - I don't understand; it's not rational - it just doesn't make sense.

Yes, weight fluctuates but I don't understand why the doctor's need to punish me for this since I've been giving it my all. Maybe my drop in weight also has to do with the fact that i had a stomach virus yesterday.

Anyway, regardless of the reason behind this shit result, the consequences are unjust - or so I believe. I am no longer allowed to walk around the premises by myself, only with visitors. And I can no longer leave the premises at all. This, of course, ruined all of my plans for the weekend.

I had several talks with the doctor's today regarding this topic, but no one listened to me. They said that there is nothing I can do to change their mind for this weekend until the next weigh-in, that I'll be having on Monday. Hopefully everything will go as planned and I will not have lost any more weight, but will have gained a bit back. I need this and I hope that my body realizes this.

Sometimes are bodies function irrationally, and I need to be fine with it. Not everything always goes as planned.

First Steps Back Into The Real World

This morning was stressful; nothing but anxiety attacks struck me from the time I was awake at three am. Yes, three am. I was simply too nervous to sleep with too many thoughts occupying my mind: how will my roommates be? how many newcomers is there? will they like me? will I stand out? Things like that.

Well, now I know. After a long, excruciating day of scurried packing in the morning, a frantic station change shortly before lunch, and a long afternoon of trying to get used to the new station gave me some answers.

I'm still completely overwhelmed and shocked by the massive changes. There is so much more independence, which, quite frantically, scares me. As weird and unimaginable as it sounds, I want to go back to the intensive psychiatric station 4C instead of the station here, 6B. I was at ease there; in my element. Maybe it's because I've been there for so long that I've gotten used to the conditions, the people, the helpers, the doctors, etc. That's probably why now that I think of it. Here, everything's new and different - exciting in a way? Yes. But oh-so-terrifying for me as well.

There is no constant supervision of the helpers. If you need something, you go look for them at their office. The mattresses are hard and stale, making my joints and bones ache. Thank goodness I talked to the helpers and now I have a gel-mattress like I did down in 4C. There is also no supervision whilst eating, making it harder for me to finish my plate as I am not being monitored. I know I have to though, to nourish my body as it needs the nutrients to repair itself and I have been successful so far. The people are different, very different. There's many more differences, but that's some of the major ones I can think of at the top of my head.

It's a scene change and environment shock for me, to say the least. But I know that just like with 4C, I will become accustomed to my surroundings and learn to appreciate all the station has to offer to me in terms of therapy and the people that are here. I just need to be patient - everything takes time.

Goodbye Intensive Psychiatric Station, Hello 6B.

This morning I received the best news yet. One of the leading doctor's, my favorite - an added plus - came into the room, straight up to my bed with a big, ginormous grin on his face and said "There's a bed open for you." At first I couldn't register anything. A bed? I have a bed here...But then I remembered the talks I had with him and the other doctor's last week about possibly moving to a different station at the hospital - one that specializes in people with eating disorders - in three or four weeks when one out of the twenty beds opens up. They said three to four weeks; but now, it's tomorrow. It only took six days after our talks.

I can't believe that it's my last night here; feelings of schadenfreude fill the room. It's too early and it's too short notice, I think to myself. But then again, it's good because the station I'm moving is specifically for people with eating disorders and the therapy that is provided there is much more meaningful and helpful there. I just don't want to leave my roommates here, I've become so close with some of them. 

So, enough with the blogging, time to get packing.

Tomorrow I'll be writing from my new room, in the new station, surrounded by new people and new faces. 

My Blood Count is Finally Stabilizing Itself

Now I know I seldomly comment on my actual wellbeing in regards to health and all the medical terminology. And since I received good news regarding my body today, there is nothing hindering me from letting you all know:

My blood count is finally beginning to stabilize itself.

Now, after two months of intensive care this crucial process has finally begun, just like when a cocoon is on its way to becoming the most beautiful, decadent little butterfly out there. I've been in the hospital for nearly two months now (it will be two months exactly on October 30), and the amount of attention and work that was put into my health, specifically my blood count in this case, is insane - they have gone above and beyond, completely out of reach; just like the basketball hoop is for me when I play. 

My white blood cell count is still too low, but it is beginning to increase. If I remember correctly, I've received three injections of white blood cells into my system because they were so low at times. Additionally I required two blood transfusions because of my low red blood cell count, amongst other things. My blood count was pretty screwed up from everything I put my body through, to say the least. And it has only now, two months into the process of nursing me back to health, started to function properly again - according to the results from the latest blood test; the one that was done this morning. It's crazy to think how long something like this takes. It just comes to show how much damage I put myself through, I can't believe I ever let it get that defective.

Only now is my body able to provide the correct nutrients to start to function on its own. It's a sign that my body is finally starting to heal as well, returning back to normal slowly but steadily. 

Goodbye Bedrest

Laughter, chatter, gossip - the exchanges and sounds of other people. That's what filled the air here today, at least for me as I was finally put off of bedrest! I no longer need to sit in my bed minute after minute and bore myself to death. 

Although it doesn't seem like much, since I am only allowed to walk around in the station itself, the only room I can really go into besides the one I'm residing in is the TV room that, at the same time, is the smoker room also. Even though it's a plain room - the wall has a craack and is mustard yellow, there is no windows and it generally is a mess - there is life inside. 

Today, I was in there with two other patients, one of whom has become a dear friend of mine, and another friend that came to visit us. And we were able to really talk, like women do when they meet up for the cup of coffee at starbucks in the mornings. I was finally able to talk with friends and I wasn't stuck sitting on my bed, or in my room for the matter of fact. I wasn't reminded of my illness. I felt normal. I'm learning how to feel and be normal again, and that's all that matters. I just need to remember that.

Weight gain is a slow process, and it takes time. I need to patient. I've been here the longest out of all eight patients, since September 7, and will still be here for a while because of my weight. I haven't gained a lot, which comes to show how messed up my bodily functions have become because of what I put my body through. I had to learn the hard way and now I just need to remain tolerant and not give up. I got this.

Best News Yet

If you think yesterday was an amazing day, false. It was good, but nowhere near as exuberant as today. Today was most definitely the ultimate day I have wittnessed. Even though I had to say my goodbyes to one of the people I care for the most, my mother - as she quickly (with special permission from the leading doctor here) dropped by on her way to the airport as she is currently heading to Tokyo - and received food over the tube, today beats all days so far. I know I should be sad about my mother leaving my side, of our parting, but I'm so full of joy for her: she'll finally be reunited with my father as well as my brother and just the thought of them being together, in our house, in the environment we put together and feel comfortable in, makes me happy. I'm grinning from one ear to the other right now; that's how big my smile is. I love my family to death.

Now, enough with the family appreciation, although I do love them dearly and am fighting for my life, in ultimately trying to be with all of them again. The four of us, in one place. That hasn't happened since the summer. And that's something I miss and want to return oh so desperately, like a chocolate lover craving his chocolate but being unable to reach the bar that's just beyond his reach - but the smell prevails and continues to torture him and his cravings.

Today at the daily talk with the doctors, I asked about the tube and how I'd been working so hard for the past week, eating three full meals willingly while additionally getting food via the tube. It's important to note that everything was willingly, as in they didn't force me. They would've forced me to eat somewhow had I not done it by my own will. And since I had my "Oh" Moment about recovery a bit over three weeks ago, when I created this blog, I also realized that I need to nourish my body and look after it for it to function properly. And now comes the good news, the leading doctor praised my cooperation and let me know that tomorrow, my NOSE TUBE WOULD DISAPPEAR because of my teamwork and all the effort that I've been putting into this journey. I would finally look normal from the outside. I wouldn't look werid with this thing stuck in my face. Sure, I would still be skeletal, but I would look human and not like an alien with a tube that comes out from its nose. I'm sitting here crying tears of joy just at the thought of it. I'm so excited. Finally.

***instead of getting fed over the tube, I would now receive three high-caloric drinks daily to make up for the calories.