Courage is a Necessity

Wise words were vocalized to me today by a dear friend of mine here at the station, who is leaving tomorrow; that - 

Having courage does not mean that we are unafraid. Having courage and showing courage mean that we are able to face our fears. We are able to say: I have fallen but I will get up and fight.

I don't know why, but these words have stuck with me all day today. I can't seem to be able to get them out of my train of thought, probably for the better.

This saying goes to show that simply by having courage, it does not necessarily equate to always being optimistic, positive, bright - that whole end of the emotional spectrum. It highlights the fact that courage is something that enables us to keep going, regardless of if we are having a good or a bad day. For me, courage symbolizes that fighting spirit that is necessary in battling one's inner demons.

Like today, for example, didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. My therapy sessions in the morning were all cancelled so I had nothing to do. I was faced with four dreaded hours of nothingness here at the station. Thankfully I was able to thoroughly enjoy the book that I am currently devouring from beginning to end and the feelings of uneasiness that were plaguing me were diminished. Another roadblock that occurred to me today was the fact that the head doctor had determined that all supplement drinks have to be taken in front of the helpers and then you have to sit with them for thirty minutes afterwards. I am currently the only one taking three supplement drinks a day, or any for that matter, even though there is other anorexic people here. Now imagine how hard it is to sit there for 1.5 hours in total without having anything to do - I'm simply glared at by the helpers, being carefully observed. Finally, the fact that so many people are leaving the station tomorrow while I remain stuck here hit me hard today as well. So this list goes to show that today has not been my day. But did that stop me from fighting, from having the courage to persevere and keep going? NO. 

I followed my meal plan, drank my supplement drinks, dealt with the anxiety and uneasiness and battled those thoughts. That's right.

The Art of Doing Nothing

Since coming to the hospital, I have worked a lot on myself - all for the better. In the past few weeks so much has happened both physically and mentally that I could fill several novels with every minor victory and positive aspect of my recovery. 

Tonight I want to highlight and focus on the art of doing nothing; the art of taking a break and how difficult that actually is - for me at least. Ever since coming to the hospital, I have been successfully busying myself every second of every day, mainly creatively, because of all the negative thoughts I have had in regards to my eating disorder as well as all the anxiety that builds up within me everyday. By keeping myself occupied, those thoughts, that stress, that anxiety - all of that - diminishes and slowly fades away into non-existence again; just like a negative dream comes to an end and all of a sudden, everything is peaceful once more.

Yet it isn't normal for someone to be constantly working; to be persistently constructing something through creativity; to be perpetually busy. Everyone takes breaks where they have time to collect themselves, to gather their thoughts and just relax. This is something that  I struggle with immensely as it gives my thoughts free flow and I am never sure what to expect.

For the past few days, my ergotherapist has given me homework - to simply do nothing and 'hang loose', as you can say. Throughout the week, I managed a few short breaks with success, but never for a longer period of time. Tonight was different - with no visitors after 5 pm, I had plenty of time to unwind and gather myself and my thoughts; I was able to relax. 

To my surprise, my thoughts did not turn negative in any way and I was really able to let go and simply do nothing.

Additional Liquid Calories? Check.

As I mentioned in this post, consuming anything that isn't in my meal plan, whether it be a quick nibble at something or a drink that isn't tea or water, is a fear of mine. It is still an irrational fear of mine that I will gain x pounds because of one small extra add-on.

In the link above, I conquered additional eadible calories, and tonight I successfully gulped down extra calories that weren't incorporated in my three daily supplementary drinks.

Tonight in the afternoon, I went to the closest Christkindlmarkt - a traditional christmas market - with friends from the neighboring station. There, with the support of them, and the joyous and jolly spirit of the surroundings - all that christmas charm - I was able to have another major recovery win. Like yesterday, where I was surrounded by people I care for, I was able to enjoy those liquid calories in the form of a Kinderpunsch, which is non-alcoholic glögg. 

No second thoughts; no negative behaviors; nothing out of the ordinary. It was all completely normal, and that's what I love. I'm slowly becoming myself again and am able to deal with issues besides calories and food.

Italian, Anyone?

For the last 1.5 years, I have not ordered a proper meal at a restaurant.

For the last 1.5 years, I have always stuck to ordering soups or the lowest calorie options when dining out.

For the last 1.5 years, I have dreaded restaurants - all the people and social stress, the overwhelming array of meals and trying to decipher which one is safest to consume.

For the last 1.5 years, I have not been myself when being at a restaurant as my thoughts simply revolved solely around the meal.

All that changed tonight.

I went to dinner being myself for the first time in god knows how long. I met up with two of my best friends at 6 pm at my favorite restaurant in Vienna, which coincidentally, is an Italian restaurant that belongs to my great cousin. The food there is to die for and I had always loved going there; so I thought, why not start there? And so it was.

Looking at the menu, I instantly knew I wanted a pizza. I ordered a pizza funghi and didn't have second thoughts. I knew there'd be a lot of cheese on it and that the pizza would be made from white flour and not whole wheat flour, but did that stop me from eating the whole lot (except for the crust, because I've never been a fan of that)? No. That's right, I ate the entire pizza.

While elegantly dining out and enjoying our food, I did not second guess myself at all. I held normal, everyday conversations with my friends and there was no time for negative thoughts.  It was amazing; the whole experience.

And to finish off this amazing blog post, might I just say that the pizza was delicious and exceeded my expectations. I'm so proud of what I've achieved today.

Good News!

I awaited today so anxiously since Monday. This morning, upon waking up, I was tense all over because of what lay ahead - the weigh-in that would determine everything (at least that's what it felt like). Weigh-ins are always Monday, Wednesday and Friday - which are, coincidentally, the days I dread the most. Seeing that number on the scale go either up, down or stay the same is always a terrifying process. I never know how to react.

But this time, this time I was really hoping that I had gained enough from Monday so that I could leave the station by myself again and walk around the premises without accompaniment.

Although I gained weight over the weekend, the doctor's believed that it was still for the best to have me on lockdown at the station if I wasn't with someone else. They promised me that if I gained x grams by Wednesday, that that would change. So since Monday, thoughts regarding today's weigh-in were circulating in my brain non-stop; non-stop I tell you. After every meal, I thought to myself: were those enough calories to help me reach my goal? 

I'm currently incapable of describing just how tense I've been feeling these past two days.

So anyway, stepping onto the scale this morning was different than the previous times. Carefully placing first my right, and then my left foot onto the scale, I waited. And waited. Waited for what seemed like hours, eons even. Then, the number appeared and a huge sense of relief spread all over my body. I was able to feel again. I gained enough.

For now, it feels like I have a sense of freedom back; that I'm not tied down to the station or other people anymore. I have a bit of breathing space again. And I love that.

Hopefully the setback last week won't hinder my recovery any further. It's all upwards from here.

Wrong Meal - Don't Care

Tonight was a day like any other. I had the correct breakfast (the one I chose last week), same with lunch. But then, here comes the twist to the day, a different dinner awaited me; one that I didn't chose.

I told one of the nurses and she checked my meal plan. At first she thought I was lying so that I could get out of eating. But, to her surprise, I was correct. I had gotten a meal that I didn't order.

Did I care? Yes. Did my thoughts go all over the place, telling me that it's a good excuse not to eat. Yes. Did I listen to those thoughts? Did I act on them? Did I succumb to them? NO.

Even though I wasn't pleased with the meal that I was faced with - with what was in front of me - I ate everything on that plate, down to the last crumb. Although it didn't taste delicious, I didn't give in to my thoughts. I'm stronger than them.

I kept telling myself that my body needs those nutrients, those calories, regardless of whether it is something that I enjoy eating - something that I actually chose for my meal plan - or not. Like the saying goes, yolo:

You only live once.

Time to make the best of it.

It's Not Always as Topsy-Turvy as it Appears

My posts on this blog here tend to be quite positive, which in no way means that recovery is a smooth and easy-going process and that there is no negative thoughts or rituals involved. I do still have daily moments in which my anorexic tendencies surface in one way, shape or form. Just because I do not document it, does not mean that my recovery is easy going in any way.

Eating is still hard, I still struggle with every bite. But I am learning to deal with it by trying to enjoy what I take in. I hope to be able to fully enjoy food again soon. Moments still occur in which I regret taking that last bite, or finishing off a particular scary meal that contains several fear foods. Thoughts that come up on occasion involve: Why did you eat that, you already had enough; You don't need that; You're disgusting and don't deserve to treat yourself. I still have these thoughts, but I try not to dwell and listen to them.

I created this blog to have an outlet. On here, I document the positive things that occur during each day so that when I'm feeling down and not well - having anorexic thoughts - that I have a place to turn to and see just how far I have come. Documenting the negative aspects of my recovery would not do me any good as I don't want to be reminded of them, but rather of all the positives and all the successes I've achieved.

On a positive, I believe that I'm past that point in recovery where I'd contemplate ever going fully back to my disorder or try to lose weight. I'm coming to value my mental state more than my physical state and appearance these days which makes gaining weight easier to deal with. 

The Begin of My Therapy Sessions

As yesterday was a holiday, meaning that absolutely nothing happened yesterday in terms of therapy and the program, and the day before was the day I arrived at the station and settled in, I haven't had any proper therapy until today.

Today marks that day. And I didn't start out slow or with just one therapy unit. I had three today. Three - group therapy; individual therapy and the activity group. All three were very interesting and have left me anxious and wanting to see what else there is to offer here. I am now fully open and committed to trying my hardest at these therapy sessions.

I was the only new person in group therapy, but that didn't scare me to death like it usually does, I was okay with it. I felt at ease. The therapist who led the group was very welcoming, as were all the members, and I had no problem opening up all the way down to the core -  pouring my heart and soul out regarding my story. The other six members then went on and introduced themselves to me with a short account as to why they are here as well, seeing as it is only fair. Group therapy went by as quickly as it arrived, which is a good sign. I can't wait to discuss certain aspects in more depth with these people next week.

In regards to the individual therapy, today was the interview phase. Normally, psychologists in training, or those who are doing their internship, take over the individual therapy with the people at this station. But lucky for me, I received the actual therapist who also leads my group therapy. We had an instant connection and just as for group therapy, I am excited to see what awaits me.

Activity group is different than the other two as it is organized by the patients themselves. Here, we discuss what are plans are for the weekend and talk about whether they are good or bad, and what we could change to make things easier and less anxious for us. Everything is documented on a piece of paper for each individual that is then handed in to the doctors. And then, on sunday evening, there is a reflection group in which we reflect on what we actually went about doing and achieved. It was nice that there was a group that wasn't lead by a doctor or a therapist, but by us. We could move along at our own pace.

Overall, today was a good day filled with a lot of incredible first impressions of the therapy that is available here at the station. 

Hungry - Major Recovery Win

Funny thing, I was hungry for the first time today, really hungry - my stomach was growling just like a lion does while consuming his prey; the only difference being that i was very impatiently awaiting my meal instead of enjoying it already. It was for lunch. Yes, lunch was later than usual because it turns out that there was a collision with some lunch carts - how that happens, I have no idea - but having hunger signs is a good thing. It's another step in the right direction. I'm so proud of myself. Hopefully I'll soon start to feel these signals again for every meal and not just occassionally. But I have to remember that it takes time.

The day doesn't end there. So much more happened. I completely got my nose tube removed today. I no longer feel like an outcast, an alien with a tube sticking out of its nose. That's no longer me. I now look normal from the outside, just like everybody else, I can finally somewhat fit in again. And because the tube is now gone, I am also successfully eating three ginormous portions for breakfast, lunch and dinner - all of them being served in bed, making me feel like a king - and three high-caloric drinks in between. The amount I consume seems bizarre to me and the thoughts are stronger now that I have these drinks, but rationally I know that it's only for the best. I need these nutrients to nourish my body. I can't let these thoughts take over so I've been occupying myself quite productively I must say. For one, I should really make my own friendship bracelet botique for the amount I finish in a day; these days I am as busy as a bee when it comes to distracting myself. I have mastered the art of that.

Distractions

Being in the hospital for such a vast time frame, there is a trend that I see happening, and that is the repetition of certain discussions that I find to be pretty awkward in real life - but in here, they are a daily thing. And very important not to forget. They are as pivotal in our daily communication in here as it is for a baby to cry his guts out for whatever reason. Two important conversations come to mind when I think of this - did you have to go to the bathroom today? (as in did you have to poop); and what are you doing with all your used tissues? Now, I know they seem like odd topics of conversation, but around here, that's normal.

The helper's here ask us daily whether or not we pooped because it is important to note as it shows that your body is functioning properly. And whenever they ask, no matter which helper it is, we always start babbling on about how awkward those type of questions actually are and have a good laugh, just like the big and loud one that Santa Claus does every Christmas Eve when he is out delivering his presents. Like I said, in here, I'm totally fine with answering that, but outside, I would stare the person down, turn around and leave. Just kidding, I'm not that mean. But I wouldn't go around and tell everyone whether or not I pooped.

Writing this makes me think of some people who I always had conversations with regarding this even before the hospital, I hope you know who you are and I miss you all dearly.

The second topic was that of used tissues and handkerchiefs. Since the air conditioning is on 24/7, it gets quite chilly easily and it's almost guaranteed that you receive a cold as a result. Let me just say that there is tissues everywhere in this room you can possibly imagine - there's bins overflowing with them countless times a day, they're on the floor, on our bedside - simply everywhere. But the funniest thing was when one of my dear friends, who has already left and is much better now, did not throw her tissues away after using them. I was shocked, who does that? She hid them behind her pillow because she was convinced to use them again and again; the same tissue. It was hilarious the conversations we had about that looking back now.

I personally think that these types of awkward conversations are the best type of distraction because they enable you to laugh, be witty and think outside the box. They make you forget your worries and you just sit there, join in and forget about the happenings of the real world for a blink of an eye. And that's something I love.

Best News Yet

If you think yesterday was an amazing day, false. It was good, but nowhere near as exuberant as today. Today was most definitely the ultimate day I have wittnessed. Even though I had to say my goodbyes to one of the people I care for the most, my mother - as she quickly (with special permission from the leading doctor here) dropped by on her way to the airport as she is currently heading to Tokyo - and received food over the tube, today beats all days so far. I know I should be sad about my mother leaving my side, of our parting, but I'm so full of joy for her: she'll finally be reunited with my father as well as my brother and just the thought of them being together, in our house, in the environment we put together and feel comfortable in, makes me happy. I'm grinning from one ear to the other right now; that's how big my smile is. I love my family to death.

Now, enough with the family appreciation, although I do love them dearly and am fighting for my life, in ultimately trying to be with all of them again. The four of us, in one place. That hasn't happened since the summer. And that's something I miss and want to return oh so desperately, like a chocolate lover craving his chocolate but being unable to reach the bar that's just beyond his reach - but the smell prevails and continues to torture him and his cravings.

Today at the daily talk with the doctors, I asked about the tube and how I'd been working so hard for the past week, eating three full meals willingly while additionally getting food via the tube. It's important to note that everything was willingly, as in they didn't force me. They would've forced me to eat somewhow had I not done it by my own will. And since I had my "Oh" Moment about recovery a bit over three weeks ago, when I created this blog, I also realized that I need to nourish my body and look after it for it to function properly. And now comes the good news, the leading doctor praised my cooperation and let me know that tomorrow, my NOSE TUBE WOULD DISAPPEAR because of my teamwork and all the effort that I've been putting into this journey. I would finally look normal from the outside. I wouldn't look werid with this thing stuck in my face. Sure, I would still be skeletal, but I would look human and not like an alien with a tube that comes out from its nose. I'm sitting here crying tears of joy just at the thought of it. I'm so excited. Finally.

***instead of getting fed over the tube, I would now receive three high-caloric drinks daily to make up for the calories. 

Truth

There's a famous saying that one of the caregivers - my favorite, to be honest - informed me of that sums up everything perfectly. 

This quote symbolizes nothing but the truth. Everyone faces their daily struggles, everyone has their downs - that's normal. But the importance lies in fighting back, in being able to overcome that one nasty little hurdle if they keep pursuing their goal - to stand up strong. 

You will get there. I will get there. I will be healthy again.It just takes time.