Just Because I Felt Like It

Eating is what I fear most. The fact that I am now capable of eating three full meals on top of the three supplement drinks that I consume without hesitation is beyond my wildest imagination. Back in August this would have been impossible. But now, I have accepted that my body needs all the nutrients it can get to rebuild itself and I keep telling myself that food is fuel - that's what keeps me going.

Although I am now used to eating in this structured and orderly way, and without hesitation may I add, it is still incredibly difficult for me to eat anything else in addition. Whenever someone here offers me something, no matter how good it looks or smells like, I always decline. It is still an irrational fear of mine that I will gain x kilograms because of that one bite or one small nibble of something if it isn't already in my given meal plan.

Today was different in that aspect though, and I am glad that it's finally happened. One of the other patients came back from an outing with a bunch of honey roasted peanuts. I loved them before my eating disorder developed and have been successfully avoiding anything with peanuts ever since; until today. The patient asked everyone if they wanted some, and I, without even taking another second to process my behavior, I grabbed a handful and ate them; all of them. And that's that.

I ate them because I felt like it; just because. They tasted as good as I remember and I don't regret eating them one bit. I hope times like this start to happen more often - where I am able to let go and where my eating disorder has no say in guilt-tripping me, making me feel fat, unwanted, etc.

Wrong Meal - Don't Care

Tonight was a day like any other. I had the correct breakfast (the one I chose last week), same with lunch. But then, here comes the twist to the day, a different dinner awaited me; one that I didn't chose.

I told one of the nurses and she checked my meal plan. At first she thought I was lying so that I could get out of eating. But, to her surprise, I was correct. I had gotten a meal that I didn't order.

Did I care? Yes. Did my thoughts go all over the place, telling me that it's a good excuse not to eat. Yes. Did I listen to those thoughts? Did I act on them? Did I succumb to them? NO.

Even though I wasn't pleased with the meal that I was faced with - with what was in front of me - I ate everything on that plate, down to the last crumb. Although it didn't taste delicious, I didn't give in to my thoughts. I'm stronger than them.

I kept telling myself that my body needs those nutrients, those calories, regardless of whether it is something that I enjoy eating - something that I actually chose for my meal plan - or not. Like the saying goes, yolo:

You only live once.

Time to make the best of it.