Extreme Hunger Cues

Extreme hunger. It is something that I have been forced to deal with repeatedly in the past two weeks. As I know nothing about this, I went and did some research and according to an article on Eatopia,

Extreme hunger is a common experience for almost everyone undergoing recovery from any kind of restrictive eating disorder. It is one of the most anxiety-provoking elements of recovery. It can happen at any time in the recovery process and varies for everyone as to how long it lasts. During this time you will want (and very much need) far more than your recommended daily amount and may find yourself consuming anywhere from 6,000-10,000 calories in a single day. That causes panic for pretty much everyone on the restrictive eating disorder.

The write-up was very informative and I am somewhat relieved after having gone through it. To know that it is common for sufferers of restrictive eating disorders to experience this and to not be the only one is, like I said, a relief in a sense - to know that it is not just me having to deal with this.

It said in the article that these extreme hunger cues can surface at any given point during one's recovery process. Although I've been in recovery for a while now, my body just started experiencing this extreme hunger. Although I eat all my meals and drink my supplement drinks, I feel this urge to consume whatever is in sight several times a week - usually at night time. It is both deathly terrifying to listen to my body - to nourish it further even though it is not part of my meal plan; to have to eat 'extra' in a way - and yet it reassures me that it is alright for me to consume this much. I don't know how else to explain this. I generally listen to these hunger signals and give in, sustaining my body with additional calories, rather than ignoring them and not having anything. 

I don't know how long these extreme hunger cues last in one's recovery journey; it said that it is different for every individual. I just hope that it doesn't go on forever. Sometimes I feel like I eat so much that I must get 'fat' instantly, yet I push through those thoughts and try to shove them aside.

What I wish for more than anything is to finally establish a normal relationship with food again; one where my hunger signals are in check.

Another Big Milestone Accomplished

Today marks an important milestone; one that I've tried to achieve for a while now. It is the fact that it's the first day since August where I've had all my main meals outside of the hospital. The difference to August, when I was fully entrenched in my eating disorder, is that this time I wasn't - I was me and not anorexia.

Up until now, when it came to the weekend and night-leave, the doctor's have let me stay at home over night yet I had to be in at the station for lunch on both Saturday and Sunday. This meant that I only always had dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday externally. But not this time. My mom and me had a very long and tedious appointment with the head doctor on Thursday regarding my gradual transition back into the real world. It took a lot of arguing and bargaining to ensure that I would be able to have all my meals outwards on Sunday. The agreement that we reached was that I would be at the station for lunch on Saturday but then have Saturday evening and all of Sunday at home - out in the real world.

Positive's about today's eating:

• I did not restrict
• I successfully drank all my supplement drinks at home
• I went out to eat at a restaurant again
• I pushed through each meal, ignoring the anorexic thoughts
• I had normal conversations during meal time with others
• My mind was not occupied by food

So I'd say today was a pretty amazing day.

Nothing Got Me Down Today

Waking up to the ever-so-silent pitter-patter of the raindrops hitting the windowsill felt almost like a greeting from the outside world to me today, with the rain casually dropping by unnanounced, welcoming me. Although the rain remained the entire day, creating a dreary atmosphere, it had zero effect on my mood today - I was completely content and at peace with myself, which I haven't been one hundred percent in a rather long time. And despite the unfortunate weather conditions and having to re-arrange our plans for the day as my dad and me wanted to go ice skating, we had a lovely time together.

Today was the last day with my dad until the Easter holiday at the end of March. We spent as much time together today as we could; simply enjoying each other's company. Nothing got in the way of us having a good time.

Now that I think about it, a lot could have set me off today, leaving me uncomfortable or anxious, but it didn't:

• The fact that I had to be back at the station for both lunch and dinner which I didn't have to last weekend.
• The weather - non-stop rainfall with extreme winds.
• That my dad is leaving tomorrow and I won't see him for a long time.
• That we had to change our itinerary for the day - I can't stand it when things don't go as planned. I've always been organized and loved having a plan, yet it has gotten a lot worse since I've developed anorexia.
• Having nothing planned for the afternoon and being forced to relax. My eating disorder really loathes me when I lounge around and 'am lazy' by not being physically active in one way or another.

The list goes on. As you can see, none of this influenced me today; absolutely nothing; nada.

Instead of going ice skating, my dad and me went to the museum in the morning, visiting and analyzing three beautiful exhibitions - one about Gustav Klimt and Egon Schiele; one focusing on the development of nude art pieces over time and one regarding Japan. All were lovely. In the afternoon, as we had nothing precise planned, we simply relaxed at home by watching the slalom ski race and the ski jump tournament on the television. In both events, an Austrian won - yay - and that was just the icing on the cake for such a perfect day spent with someone I love so insanely much.

I love you dad and I'll see you soon.

Successfully Eating Out

Everything about tonight was perfect; it was the perfect end to the perfect day - honestly. Tonight marked the second successful eating out experience that I have had since the summer. This time, it was with my dad. Simply seeing his reactions to eating at a restaurant with me - where I consumed a proper meal without any modifications to the menu - was breathtaking. His comments regarding just how far I have come were taken to heart by me.

Like I said previously, it really was the perfect evening. We basically had a private driver that 'dropped us off' at the restaurant as we were the only guests on the bus. That was followed to being the only dining guests at the lovely restaurant that has a view to die for - overlooking the Viennese skyline. Not only were we the only guests, we also had all the waiters at hand, constantly checking up on us, making both my dad and me feel like royalty to an extent.

The candlelight dinner was amazing. I did not restrict during the day to 'save up my calories' for my meal out nor did I miss out on taking my three supplement drinks. I did not hesitate upon ordering my lovely, delicious meal. I did not worry about what my meal entailed and consisted of. It's still hard for me to acknowledge this, but I was actually looking forward to this meal and boy, I was anything but disappointed - my tastebuds were watering by simply looking at the plate placed in front of me. The food itself was delicious; why yes, I enjoyed my meal to a great extent. On top of all of this amazing news, the conversation that occured throughout dinner was heavenly and intriguing - it had nothing to do with food; I was calm and not thinking about my meal; and there was an overall very calm and serene atmosphere.

To say that tonight was perfect might even be an understatement.

A Little Reminder

Dear Anorexia,

You have taken away my life. My ability to enjoy food. My health. My love for company. My energy. My confidence. My friends. My social life. My sense of self-worth. My love for anything really. The warmth in my fingers. To sum it up: everything I hold dear you have grasped.

It's time for me to take it all back. 2013 is a new year and everything is different - I am taking back control. None of those aspects were yours to begin with. I'm sick of your lies. I'm sick of what you have turned me into. I'm done giving in to you. You are not freedom. You're the definition of enslavement.

This is my life. Mine.
Food is not the enemy you know, you are.

With love,
Hannah

Eating out of Pure Frustration

Before I begin to compile my thoughts and vent about my boring old life, may I just say Happy Fourth of Advent everyone! It's amazing how fast time flies this time of year - it just goes to show just how much there is to do before the Big Day tomorrow. I can't believe it'll be Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve; December 24th - that's tomorrow. This is a day that you spend with loved ones. It is a day filled with joy, exuberance and festivities.

For me, it all depends on tomorrow's weigh-in. The head doctor decided on Friday, similar to an ultimatum, that if I don't gain x grams over the weekend, I will not be able to spend the night that is supposed to be so breathtaking - that I've been anticipating all year long - at home. How unfair is that? Possibly keeping me from my family on Christmas Eve. I hate how everything is so dependent on my weight and whether or not I gain y grams every time there is a weigh-in. Weight fluctuates, doctor's should know that too. Sometimes I really do not understand their reasoning.

Therefore I have been doing everything in my power to ensure that tomorrow's weigh-in goes by smoothly. Not only have I eaten my three main meals completely and consumed my three supplement drinks both yesterday and today, I ate extra - out of pure frustration at the world. I don't think I've ingested this much food in I don't know how long. I struggled with my thoughts this weekend - with my disordered behaviors - and feelings of uselessness and simply being 'fat' were not uncommon during this period. I think that it had to do with the guilt that came with eating all this extra food.

I did this all for tomorrow. If they don't let me stay at home on Christmas Eve, I don't know what I'll do - they can't keep me here. 

I really gave it my all; that's all I can do. I hope for the best

Italian, Anyone?

For the last 1.5 years, I have not ordered a proper meal at a restaurant.

For the last 1.5 years, I have always stuck to ordering soups or the lowest calorie options when dining out.

For the last 1.5 years, I have dreaded restaurants - all the people and social stress, the overwhelming array of meals and trying to decipher which one is safest to consume.

For the last 1.5 years, I have not been myself when being at a restaurant as my thoughts simply revolved solely around the meal.

All that changed tonight.

I went to dinner being myself for the first time in god knows how long. I met up with two of my best friends at 6 pm at my favorite restaurant in Vienna, which coincidentally, is an Italian restaurant that belongs to my great cousin. The food there is to die for and I had always loved going there; so I thought, why not start there? And so it was.

Looking at the menu, I instantly knew I wanted a pizza. I ordered a pizza funghi and didn't have second thoughts. I knew there'd be a lot of cheese on it and that the pizza would be made from white flour and not whole wheat flour, but did that stop me from eating the whole lot (except for the crust, because I've never been a fan of that)? No. That's right, I ate the entire pizza.

While elegantly dining out and enjoying our food, I did not second guess myself at all. I held normal, everyday conversations with my friends and there was no time for negative thoughts.  It was amazing; the whole experience.

And to finish off this amazing blog post, might I just say that the pizza was delicious and exceeded my expectations. I'm so proud of what I've achieved today.

Just Because I Felt Like It

Eating is what I fear most. The fact that I am now capable of eating three full meals on top of the three supplement drinks that I consume without hesitation is beyond my wildest imagination. Back in August this would have been impossible. But now, I have accepted that my body needs all the nutrients it can get to rebuild itself and I keep telling myself that food is fuel - that's what keeps me going.

Although I am now used to eating in this structured and orderly way, and without hesitation may I add, it is still incredibly difficult for me to eat anything else in addition. Whenever someone here offers me something, no matter how good it looks or smells like, I always decline. It is still an irrational fear of mine that I will gain x kilograms because of that one bite or one small nibble of something if it isn't already in my given meal plan.

Today was different in that aspect though, and I am glad that it's finally happened. One of the other patients came back from an outing with a bunch of honey roasted peanuts. I loved them before my eating disorder developed and have been successfully avoiding anything with peanuts ever since; until today. The patient asked everyone if they wanted some, and I, without even taking another second to process my behavior, I grabbed a handful and ate them; all of them. And that's that.

I ate them because I felt like it; just because. They tasted as good as I remember and I don't regret eating them one bit. I hope times like this start to happen more often - where I am able to let go and where my eating disorder has no say in guilt-tripping me, making me feel fat, unwanted, etc.

Deja Vu

So far, today is a good day. My mom was here the whole afternoon, and it was simply lovely - time always flies by when we are together. Whether we are playing cards, doing something artsy, playing table tennis outside or just gossiping about anything and everything, it always brightens my mood instantaneously.

Today is also a day of reflection, of how far I have come. Back when I was down at the intensive station, I remember the times I still had the nasogastric tube and was unable to eat meals because my organs were all not functioning correctly anymore. The very first real meal  that I had to force myself to eat, was half a portion of a cabbage-and-noodle casserole. I managed then, but only just. It was horrible - the thoughts were so strong back then; it scares me just thinking of how hard eating was back then.

Anyway, today for lunch I also had the cabbage-and-noodle casserole. This time I had the full meal plan though; and I ate it all, down to the last crumb. Yum. That's all I can say. As scay as it is to admit, I enjoyed my lunch. It reminds me of my elementary school days as it is something that I ate on a weekly basis back then.

It's things like this that make me realize just how far I have come. That meal that I finished today is a symbol of my progress - of my endurance and strength to continue.