Sunday, November 18, 2012

Just Because I Felt Like It

Eating is what I fear most. The fact that I am now capable of eating three full meals on top of the three supplement drinks that I consume without hesitation is beyond my wildest imagination. Back in August this would have been impossible. But now, I have accepted that my body needs all the nutrients it can get to rebuild itself and I keep telling myself that food is fuel - that's what keeps me going.

Although I am now used to eating in this structured and orderly way, and without hesitation may I add, it is still incredibly difficult for me to eat anything else in addition. Whenever someone here offers me something, no matter how good it looks or smells like, I always decline. It is still an irrational fear of mine that I will gain x kilograms because of that one bite or one small nibble of something if it isn't already in my given meal plan.

Today was different in that aspect though, and I am glad that it's finally happened. One of the other patients came back from an outing with a bunch of honey roasted peanuts. I loved them before my eating disorder developed and have been successfully avoiding anything with peanuts ever since; until today. The patient asked everyone if they wanted some, and I, without even taking another second to process my behavior, I grabbed a handful and ate them; all of them. And that's that.

I ate them because I felt like it; just because. They tasted as good as I remember and I don't regret eating them one bit. I hope times like this start to happen more often - where I am able to let go and where my eating disorder has no say in guilt-tripping me, making me feel fat, unwanted, etc.

1 comment:

  1. Hallo!

    Ich glaube, der wichtigste, oder zumindest der auffälligste Satz in Deinem Bericht ist der:

    "without even taking another second to process my behavior"

    Ich will da jetzt keine eigenen Interpretationen hineinlegen, dazu weiss ich viel zuwenig über Deine Probleme, aber es ist mir einfach aufgefallen.
    Überwachst Du Dich selbst wirklich die ganze Zeit und urteilst streng über jedes Detail, das vielleicht nicht ganz korrekt war? Machst Du das nur in Bezug auf die Ernährung oder auch in anderen Situationen?

    Das andere, was mir aufgefallen ist, dass Du gleichzeitig und in gleichem Mass vor Gewichts Zu- und Abnahmen Angst zu haben scheinst. Merkwürdig, oder?

    Aber das nur am Rande. Das Wochenende mit selbständiger Essens- und Medikamenten- Logistik hat Dir offenbar gut getan! Super!