Just Because I Felt Like It

Eating is what I fear most. The fact that I am now capable of eating three full meals on top of the three supplement drinks that I consume without hesitation is beyond my wildest imagination. Back in August this would have been impossible. But now, I have accepted that my body needs all the nutrients it can get to rebuild itself and I keep telling myself that food is fuel - that's what keeps me going.

Although I am now used to eating in this structured and orderly way, and without hesitation may I add, it is still incredibly difficult for me to eat anything else in addition. Whenever someone here offers me something, no matter how good it looks or smells like, I always decline. It is still an irrational fear of mine that I will gain x kilograms because of that one bite or one small nibble of something if it isn't already in my given meal plan.

Today was different in that aspect though, and I am glad that it's finally happened. One of the other patients came back from an outing with a bunch of honey roasted peanuts. I loved them before my eating disorder developed and have been successfully avoiding anything with peanuts ever since; until today. The patient asked everyone if they wanted some, and I, without even taking another second to process my behavior, I grabbed a handful and ate them; all of them. And that's that.

I ate them because I felt like it; just because. They tasted as good as I remember and I don't regret eating them one bit. I hope times like this start to happen more often - where I am able to let go and where my eating disorder has no say in guilt-tripping me, making me feel fat, unwanted, etc.