Another Big Milestone Accomplished

Today marks an important milestone; one that I've tried to achieve for a while now. It is the fact that it's the first day since August where I've had all my main meals outside of the hospital. The difference to August, when I was fully entrenched in my eating disorder, is that this time I wasn't - I was me and not anorexia.

Up until now, when it came to the weekend and night-leave, the doctor's have let me stay at home over night yet I had to be in at the station for lunch on both Saturday and Sunday. This meant that I only always had dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday externally. But not this time. My mom and me had a very long and tedious appointment with the head doctor on Thursday regarding my gradual transition back into the real world. It took a lot of arguing and bargaining to ensure that I would be able to have all my meals outwards on Sunday. The agreement that we reached was that I would be at the station for lunch on Saturday but then have Saturday evening and all of Sunday at home - out in the real world.

Positive's about today's eating:

• I did not restrict
• I successfully drank all my supplement drinks at home
• I went out to eat at a restaurant again
• I pushed through each meal, ignoring the anorexic thoughts
• I had normal conversations during meal time with others
• My mind was not occupied by food

So I'd say today was a pretty amazing day.

Gradual Transition Back Into the Real World

It's frustrating to see people after people come and go at the station while you're the only one that remains. I've been here the longest out of everyone by far and it's still unclear of how much longer my stay here is. My longing to go back into the 'outside' world is so great, that hearing "oh we'll see about that next week" when asking about a possible date as to when I could leave is infuriating - I just want a clear answer. I hate this uncertainty. I just want someone to tell me, plain and simple, what my future at the station here entails, and for how much longer my stay is.

As the length of my stay is still out in the open, I have made arrangements with the doctor that is in charge of me to slowly ease back into natural patterns. This involves:

• Drinking the supplement drinks on my own again without supervision and then having to sit next to a nurse for half an hour while constantly being glared at, like a hawk does when hunting for prey, to ensure that I don't somehow get rid of the calories.
• Getting full night-leave from Saturday to Sunday and eating all meals outwards, except for breakfast on Saturday. I have never done this before but I talked with the doctor and we agreed that this would be the next step - to see if I can maintain, or hopefully even gain weight, when being given full control as to what I consume in two days.
• Eating more meals outwards during the week - mainly dinner. This will be done to lessen my anxiety that arises when I am faced with either having to create my dinner or order something off of a menu. It will be done to show me that eating out, or eating at home, is completely normal and does not involve panic or anxiety attacks.
• I will be given night-leaves during the week - maybe one or two per week - to slowly transition into being at home more frequently.

The meeting, as well as the results that we came up with together, are quite positive. Although I still don't know how much longer I am staying here, at least I know the next steps and that I am gaining even more freedom. I hope everything works out.