Another Big Milestone Accomplished

Today marks an important milestone; one that I've tried to achieve for a while now. It is the fact that it's the first day since August where I've had all my main meals outside of the hospital. The difference to August, when I was fully entrenched in my eating disorder, is that this time I wasn't - I was me and not anorexia.

Up until now, when it came to the weekend and night-leave, the doctor's have let me stay at home over night yet I had to be in at the station for lunch on both Saturday and Sunday. This meant that I only always had dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday externally. But not this time. My mom and me had a very long and tedious appointment with the head doctor on Thursday regarding my gradual transition back into the real world. It took a lot of arguing and bargaining to ensure that I would be able to have all my meals outwards on Sunday. The agreement that we reached was that I would be at the station for lunch on Saturday but then have Saturday evening and all of Sunday at home - out in the real world.

Positive's about today's eating:

• I did not restrict
• I successfully drank all my supplement drinks at home
• I went out to eat at a restaurant again
• I pushed through each meal, ignoring the anorexic thoughts
• I had normal conversations during meal time with others
• My mind was not occupied by food

So I'd say today was a pretty amazing day.

Another Ultimatum, Really?

Just like for the night from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day, the doctor's have given me yet another Ultimatum for New Year's Eve.

Why? I don't understand why they do this to me. I told them how stressful it was by being given an ultimatum like that; telling me that if I don't gain x grams, I can't stay at home and spend time with the ones I love. Last time I simply stuffed everything I saw into myself to ensure that I would reach their criteria. But the stomach pains that came from eating so much; the mental battle that I faced; the disordered behaviors that surfaced - all of that, the doctor's don't care about those aspects of one's recovery it seems. All they care about is the weight gain. But to me, that's not all. An eating disorder is so much more than just the weight gain as it has a lot to do with one's mentality as well.

I told the doctor's how hard last weekend was because of the ultimatum and how much pressure I put myself under just to make certain that I could go home for Christmas. Although I informed them of the situation and how difficult it was mentally - and physically, as I had severe cramps from all the food - the doctor's did not take any of my comments into consideration. Why? I don't understand.

This time, I am approaching the whole matter differently. I will not have a repeat of last weekend; that was not normal. I will simply eat my three main meals and consume my three supplement drinks as that is hard enough as it is. It should be enough, it has to. If it isn't, then I don't know what I should do as I can't force this weight gain onto me. Weight gain is something that takes time - it doesn't happen over night. It also isn't recommended to rapidly gain weight.

If I can't get night-leave for New Year's Eve I don't know what I'll do yet. But I will make a scene at the station in front of the doctor's as it isn't fair that others get to go home and I can't. All others from the station already know whether they are allowed to stay the night at home; everyone except for me. 

I'm giving it my all, and that should count too.

One Month and One Day

It's amazing how fast time passes in certain instances; it seems like just yesterday that I arrived at the 'new' station. No wonder that there's the saying time flies when you're having fun.

Although there's been rough days, such as the station lockdown, losing weight and the two times that I seriously considered leaving here before my planned date because I couldn't deal with the circumtances correctly, it's been a positive journey for the most part.

Let's just have a little recap of all the positive achievements that I have accomplished in the past month while being here:

• Eating a wrong meal successfully; one that I didn't order in my meal plan
• My first time being outside since August
• My first overnight stay away from the hospital
• My first eating out experience that wasn't in the hospital
• My first time eating at a restaurant and ordering a proper meal from the menu without tweaking the dish to lessen the calorie content
• Consuming both additional food as well as liquid calories
• Gaining weight
• Staring to enjoy food

I think that the list goes to show just how successful I have been and how much I was able to execute. Now I just need to remember that not everyday can be completely positive, that setbacks will occur. In those moments, it will be key to not give in to those anorexic thoughts but to keep going - even stronger.