Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Last Year was Bittersweet

I must say that I've gone through a lot this year and that there has been lots of changes. 2012 was probably the most radical year for me. 
There were bad days, weeks, months - hours filled with obsessing over weight, calories and macros, the negative thoughts, and those wretched rituals. The innumerable amount of days that were ruined because of the thoughts running through my mind nonstop - thoughts about being too ugly, too fat, worthless; you name it. I ruined an incredible amount of relationships, not only with friends but with family members as well, by avoiding them as I completely withdrew myself from society. Nights were spent at home, locked up in my room, secretly partaking in physical activity of whatever form was possible while hiding from the outside world - complete isolation. I was entrenched in my thoughts regarding food - nothing else mattered. My eating disorder was in full force; it controlled me. Numbers and scales dominated everything about me. On a positive note, 2012 is also the year when I decided to recover from anorexia, to slowly gain back both my physical and mental health, as well as forming a great quantity of new friendships.
Let's recapture both the high's and low's of 2012:

  • I graduated High School
  • I moved back to Vienna, leaving Japan behind me
  • I had no social life during senior year and lost contact to almost everyone
  • I missed out on a quarter of the school year because I was unable to go to school due to my disorder - I was too worn out
  • My family and I tried the Maudsley Approach in regards to battling my anorexia, a Family Based Treatment, with minimal success
  • I was admitted to the hospital on August 30 and am still here today
  • I was sectioned by law and the government was involved as I refused to stay at a hospital and get help
  • I was in the only intense psychiatric station of Austria for two months where they saved my life
  • I nearly died
  • I was fed over the nasogastric tube as I was unable to consume proper food since all my organs were failing
  • I ordered my first proper meal at a restaurant again - funghi pizza, anyone?
  • I took on my battle with anorexia and will continue to fight

There must be many more events that qualify for my list, but that's all I can think of at the moment. I will update it whenever I remember an occurence.
Excuse the language, but this disorder can go screw itself. I am scared of what's to come in my ongoing battle, but I also know that it needs to be done. 2012 was bad, but that doesn't mean that 2013 will be. 2013 is a canvas for me to paint however I want. 2013 is my year.

1 comment:

  1. tough lady Hannah, thumb up.

    you shall do it, you can do it and you will do it. 2013 has more focus and more distractions, stay positive and keep yourself busy yet take it easy.

    Don't take YOURself too seriously, go with whatever comes along the way.

    life is full of adventures, screw it. YES!

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