Extreme Hunger Cues

Extreme hunger. It is something that I have been forced to deal with repeatedly in the past two weeks. As I know nothing about this, I went and did some research and according to an article on Eatopia,

Extreme hunger is a common experience for almost everyone undergoing recovery from any kind of restrictive eating disorder. It is one of the most anxiety-provoking elements of recovery. It can happen at any time in the recovery process and varies for everyone as to how long it lasts. During this time you will want (and very much need) far more than your recommended daily amount and may find yourself consuming anywhere from 6,000-10,000 calories in a single day. That causes panic for pretty much everyone on the restrictive eating disorder.

The write-up was very informative and I am somewhat relieved after having gone through it. To know that it is common for sufferers of restrictive eating disorders to experience this and to not be the only one is, like I said, a relief in a sense - to know that it is not just me having to deal with this.

It said in the article that these extreme hunger cues can surface at any given point during one's recovery process. Although I've been in recovery for a while now, my body just started experiencing this extreme hunger. Although I eat all my meals and drink my supplement drinks, I feel this urge to consume whatever is in sight several times a week - usually at night time. It is both deathly terrifying to listen to my body - to nourish it further even though it is not part of my meal plan; to have to eat 'extra' in a way - and yet it reassures me that it is alright for me to consume this much. I don't know how else to explain this. I generally listen to these hunger signals and give in, sustaining my body with additional calories, rather than ignoring them and not having anything. 

I don't know how long these extreme hunger cues last in one's recovery journey; it said that it is different for every individual. I just hope that it doesn't go on forever. Sometimes I feel like I eat so much that I must get 'fat' instantly, yet I push through those thoughts and try to shove them aside.

What I wish for more than anything is to finally establish a normal relationship with food again; one where my hunger signals are in check.

Another Big Milestone Accomplished

Today marks an important milestone; one that I've tried to achieve for a while now. It is the fact that it's the first day since August where I've had all my main meals outside of the hospital. The difference to August, when I was fully entrenched in my eating disorder, is that this time I wasn't - I was me and not anorexia.

Up until now, when it came to the weekend and night-leave, the doctor's have let me stay at home over night yet I had to be in at the station for lunch on both Saturday and Sunday. This meant that I only always had dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday externally. But not this time. My mom and me had a very long and tedious appointment with the head doctor on Thursday regarding my gradual transition back into the real world. It took a lot of arguing and bargaining to ensure that I would be able to have all my meals outwards on Sunday. The agreement that we reached was that I would be at the station for lunch on Saturday but then have Saturday evening and all of Sunday at home - out in the real world.

Positive's about today's eating:

• I did not restrict
• I successfully drank all my supplement drinks at home
• I went out to eat at a restaurant again
• I pushed through each meal, ignoring the anorexic thoughts
• I had normal conversations during meal time with others
• My mind was not occupied by food

So I'd say today was a pretty amazing day.

Your Future Is In Your Hands

Do you want to grow old with an eating disorder? Do you want to spend the next five, ten, fifteen - however many years really - of your life miserable, cold, alone, and drowning in self-hatred? Do you want to be forced to take time off from your education, or drop out all together, because you've missed too much and are too sick to continue? Do you want to lead a life that is dedicated to calories, scales, eating disordered thoughts and other useless numbers? Do you want to have all your hair fall out; be constantly cold; develop long, fine downy hair on your body; have poor circulation and always be faint?

OR

Do you want to finish your educational pursuits, go to parties, socialize and enjoy life? Do you want to start a relationship with someone? Do you want to be able to go out with friends and order something off of a menu that you genuinely look forward to eating instead of getting what is considered 'safe' by your eating disorder? Do you want to enjoy celebrating your own wedding with a slice of wedding cake while laughing, dancing and having a good time? Do you want to have a body that functions normally and is in full health? Do you want to truly inspire others and be able to make a lasting impact on someone else's life? And most importantly, do you want to be happy, passionate, excited and free? 

Having an eating disorder wasn't my choice; it is no one's choice for that matter - it chooses you. But you can choose to recover.

Your future is in your hands; just like I am in charge of mine. And for me, that means full force with recovery.

Additional Liquid Calories? Check.

As I mentioned in this post, consuming anything that isn't in my meal plan, whether it be a quick nibble at something or a drink that isn't tea or water, is a fear of mine. It is still an irrational fear of mine that I will gain x pounds because of one small extra add-on.

In the link above, I conquered additional eadible calories, and tonight I successfully gulped down extra calories that weren't incorporated in my three daily supplementary drinks.

Tonight in the afternoon, I went to the closest Christkindlmarkt - a traditional christmas market - with friends from the neighboring station. There, with the support of them, and the joyous and jolly spirit of the surroundings - all that christmas charm - I was able to have another major recovery win. Like yesterday, where I was surrounded by people I care for, I was able to enjoy those liquid calories in the form of a Kinderpunsch, which is non-alcoholic glögg. 

No second thoughts; no negative behaviors; nothing out of the ordinary. It was all completely normal, and that's what I love. I'm slowly becoming myself again and am able to deal with issues besides calories and food.