Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Best News Yet

If you think yesterday was an amazing day, false. It was good, but nowhere near as exuberant as today. Today was most definitely the ultimate day I have wittnessed. Even though I had to say my goodbyes to one of the people I care for the most, my mother - as she quickly (with special permission from the leading doctor here) dropped by on her way to the airport as she is currently heading to Tokyo - and received food over the tube, today beats all days so far. I know I should be sad about my mother leaving my side, of our parting, but I'm so full of joy for her: she'll finally be reunited with my father as well as my brother and just the thought of them being together, in our house, in the environment we put together and feel comfortable in, makes me happy. I'm grinning from one ear to the other right now; that's how big my smile is. I love my family to death.

Now, enough with the family appreciation, although I do love them dearly and am fighting for my life, in ultimately trying to be with all of them again. The four of us, in one place. That hasn't happened since the summer. And that's something I miss and want to return oh so desperately, like a chocolate lover craving his chocolate but being unable to reach the bar that's just beyond his reach - but the smell prevails and continues to torture him and his cravings.

Today at the daily talk with the doctors, I asked about the tube and how I'd been working so hard for the past week, eating three full meals willingly while additionally getting food via the tube. It's important to note that everything was willingly, as in they didn't force me. They would've forced me to eat somewhow had I not done it by my own will. And since I had my "Oh" Moment about recovery a bit over three weeks ago, when I created this blog, I also realized that I need to nourish my body and look after it for it to function properly. And now comes the good news, the leading doctor praised my cooperation and let me know that tomorrow, my NOSE TUBE WOULD DISAPPEAR because of my teamwork and all the effort that I've been putting into this journey. I would finally look normal from the outside. I wouldn't look werid with this thing stuck in my face. Sure, I would still be skeletal, but I would look human and not like an alien with a tube that comes out from its nose. I'm sitting here crying tears of joy just at the thought of it. I'm so excited. Finally.

***instead of getting fed over the tube, I would now receive three high-caloric drinks daily to make up for the calories. 


  1. progressive!

    the insecurity and love of receiving attention, thats how I see this disorder, via being self-destructive. Am I being harsh to say so Hannah?

    without knowing where you are coming from, your background, thats how I perceive it. I went through the same period by 'making noise', secretely being self-abusive, wondering why no one cares about me? now I am quiet and I accept myself and others, they have their own life.. I see this is happening to you Hannah, confrontation. Good move.

    things happens with/without us, people come and go with/without us, papa/mama have their life, brother is growing up, the world is spinning with/withou us, the war is on no matter how we hate it, the job is not there although we want it, the exams are tomorrow without us loving it, the bf/gf are breaking up even they appear great together... they might stop, watching us, then they move on, because thats what we all will do. Life goes on in the end, out of our control. We had our attention and we move on. We decide what is the best for us.

    this is an imperfect world with pain, fear, departure, loss, stress, illness, poverty, confusion, seperation, struggle, sorrow..yet the nice part, the joy, love, smile, birds, flower, book, travel, music, friendship, sex,,,you name it. WTF..organize ourselves. We embrace, relax and enjoy, with the smile, and if the good part leave us, happily say bye with a bless.

    Isn't it fun to be part of it? witness them all? there is 50 years ahead of you, its ok (well its not ok but it happed) you allow yourself being messy and lost for a while, experience it, keep your head down, then get up,turn around, being fresh. work it, and enjoy the journey down the road, Shit will happen again but so what? because you will be a stronger YOU.

    We all have/had it, and its adorable of you bloging it, sharing it. Needless to say how smart you are. Remember though we will watch you going through this, then we will all move on, they all have their own lifes.. it is back in your own hands again, we will respect whatever you will decide for yourself, as it is your choice in the end no matter what, if that will make YOU happy. Dont take it too seriously though, dont take yourself too seriously (dont get me wrong by saying this but there are more serious situations out there need your concern, but only if you are strong enough to love yourself, then you can be for others and deliver the good strength)

    Grow up, get out of the little girl's sweet world, make the best out of it, stay cool. Its such a wonderful world out there, no reason to miss it.

  2. well said, brutal but making good point.
    if you have the strength to resist the temptation of food and hunger, you then have the mindwill to win the recovery.
    relax and enjoy life.

    1. that's what i'm learning to do: to enjoy life. i'm working on firstly accepting all aspects of myself with the psychologists here. but i've been feeling a lot calmer and more at ease around food, so i'm making progress :) thanks!