When I arrived at the hospital, skeletal, lifeless, dead as a doornail, I couldn't move any of my joints at all - I was in that much pain. But I didn't care, because that voice controlled every aspect of my life back then. Now all I hear are thoughts, and even those are diminishing, slowly, just as time is ticking away day by day. It will still take an incredible amount of persistence, strength and time for those thoughts to ultimately disappear - just like that red handkerchief always does when the magician flicks his wand and says a spell.
As I was incapable and unfit to even move from one side to the other on my bed upon arrival here, you could say I was pretty much unable to move at all. But now, as I am slowly gaining my health back, the perks of recovery are definitely becoming visible. At the beginning, all I did was sleep. Now, I don't, obviously or I wouldn't be writing this, ha. One thing that hasn't change is that I still have strict bedrest as my weight is still incredibly low (I am only allowed to leave my bed for my daily shower, or with the physiotherapist). But I'm trying to change that willingly and so I've accepted that bedrest is the best option for me right now, as I know that weight gain is a slow and tiring process.
Now, I am able to not only blog here; I am able to have proper conversations again without forgetting what I've said a minute before, or not hearing part of someone's question - always an embarassing thing, especially when it happens to you when speaking with a doctor; I can make friendship bracelets; I read; I can do things. That's the most important thing. I'm not lifeless anymore, I am finally able to move and live again.
Today in physiotherapy I managed my first 1 km on the stationary bike with no resistance - I feel on top of the world writing this down because it shows how far I've come. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it's a milestone for me. I was unable to even take a step five weeks ago, don't forget, and now, here I am, biking a whole kilometer! Bizarre. I loved every minute of it, I cherished it greatly. Tomorrow I'm supposed to play table tennis with my physiotherapist, we'll see how that goes. One thing's for sure, I'm looking forward to it!
Impressive improvement, yonng lady!
ReplyDeleteimpressive writing too, you have the talent of writing obviously. keep it going till you regain full power of mastering the recovery.
I admire your courage of handling it by admitting the illness and by admitting yourself via sharing, it is an extra to the right direction as you said.
There is similar experience in different pain of myself， I wish I could do the same ：） keep exercising, you will need more power then more food. --I am on your side.
Wow, that means so much to me anon, thank you. I will keep fighting, I have no reason not to. When I am recovered, I hope to publish a book so you commenting on my writing makes this even greater :)
DeleteLiebe Hannah,
ReplyDeleteich habe über Deine Mutter (mit der ich in der Schule war) Deinen Blog kennengelernt, und was Du schreibst, hat mich sehr berührt. Jetzt schaue ich immer nach, was es neues von Dir gibt. Ich finde, dass Dein Kampf etwas allgemein gültiges hat, das wir alle verstehen können, auch ohne je etwas ähnliches erlebt zu haben und auch ohne Dich zu kennen. Letztlich ist es der Kampf um die Freiheit! Egal, warum man die Freiheit verloren, aufgegeben oder nie gehabt hat, und in welchem Mass man unfrei ist: sie sich zurück zu holen, erfordert viel Kraft und Mut. Und Du hast in diesen letzten Wochen so viel erreicht!!!!!
Mir fehlen die Worte, einfach Danke! :)
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