It Seems Like It's Never Enough

Today is friday, which for me means it was yet a further weigh-in day. Another day where I spent the night before eating copious amounts of food to ensure that everything runs smoothly; my anxiety is sky high up until I know the results of the scale and I just don't feel good overall because of all the stress that my weight has on my therapy and 'privileges' here.

The good news is that I gained a sufficient amount of weight from wednesday to today - yay I guess; I keep telling myself that I need to gain weight, that it's good for me, because statistically, according to the BMI chart and all, I am still severly underweight even though I can't always rationalize this as I have already gained so much weight. Yet although I gained quite a lot over the last two days, my privileges were cut short. 

Why? I don't understand. I mean, it always depends on the doctor who partakes in the daily visit when we have them and what their particular standpoint is of the current situation. Today, for instance, I was informed that I would no longer be able to drink my supplement drinks on my own - I would need to take them in supervision again and then sit next to the caretakers for half an hour once the drink has been consumed. Additionally I do not have full night-leave from saturday to sunday like I did last weekend even though I weighed less then. Yes I have night-leave but I need to be in for lunch on both days. Now I don't mind having lunch at the station here, I just can't follow the thought process of the doctors as to why I don't even have the option of a full night-leave from saturday morning to sunday evening like last weekend - same for taking the supplement drinks. Up until today, for the past two weeks, I was able to drink them without supervision. 

Although I weigh more now than I have since the summer, these two 'priveleges' were taken away from me today. Someone please explain this to me as I am finding it incredibly difficult to accept.

Station Makeover

With the start of the holiday season, which, for the hospital, means the closing of several of the stations here at the psychatric ward, and the end of the eight week cycle here at the 6B means that a severe change was bound to happen. And it did.

Plenty of friends departed yesterday as they were part of the cycle; the goodbyes that I had to deal with were hard - tears were streaming down my face like a waterfall for one person. The friendships that I formed with them are strong and will continue to be upheld, I will make sure of it. Numbers were exchanged, final words of encouragement were spoken and the tightest hugs were given out.

As 6B is one of the only open stations during the holidays, why I do not know, a long waiting list has already compiled with patients from other stations wanting one of the few remaining spots here. It feels weird to have so many new people all of a sudden. I liked our community before; the closeness that had built between us all. Now, with new faces, new stories - new everything really - that community no longer exists as it has to be built up again, from scratch.

I feel very uneasy and overwhelmed with the whole situation. I wish that our station could have stayed the way it was.

The Begin of My Therapy Sessions

As yesterday was a holiday, meaning that absolutely nothing happened yesterday in terms of therapy and the program, and the day before was the day I arrived at the station and settled in, I haven't had any proper therapy until today.

Today marks that day. And I didn't start out slow or with just one therapy unit. I had three today. Three - group therapy; individual therapy and the activity group. All three were very interesting and have left me anxious and wanting to see what else there is to offer here. I am now fully open and committed to trying my hardest at these therapy sessions.

I was the only new person in group therapy, but that didn't scare me to death like it usually does, I was okay with it. I felt at ease. The therapist who led the group was very welcoming, as were all the members, and I had no problem opening up all the way down to the core -  pouring my heart and soul out regarding my story. The other six members then went on and introduced themselves to me with a short account as to why they are here as well, seeing as it is only fair. Group therapy went by as quickly as it arrived, which is a good sign. I can't wait to discuss certain aspects in more depth with these people next week.

In regards to the individual therapy, today was the interview phase. Normally, psychologists in training, or those who are doing their internship, take over the individual therapy with the people at this station. But lucky for me, I received the actual therapist who also leads my group therapy. We had an instant connection and just as for group therapy, I am excited to see what awaits me.

Activity group is different than the other two as it is organized by the patients themselves. Here, we discuss what are plans are for the weekend and talk about whether they are good or bad, and what we could change to make things easier and less anxious for us. Everything is documented on a piece of paper for each individual that is then handed in to the doctors. And then, on sunday evening, there is a reflection group in which we reflect on what we actually went about doing and achieved. It was nice that there was a group that wasn't lead by a doctor or a therapist, but by us. We could move along at our own pace.

Overall, today was a good day filled with a lot of incredible first impressions of the therapy that is available here at the station.