Christmas Cookies have, for as long as I can remember, been a staple item when it comes to the holiday season. From the joy that comes from baking these wondrous, small little biscuits to decorating them in festive colors to devouring that delicious piece of pastry heaven to giving your own creations to someone dear to your heart - everything that springs to mind when hearing the phrase christmas cookie is positive and merry.
For most people, christmas cookies are something they look forward to enjoying. Well, not me. Instead of symbolizing something so grand, every single christmas cookie that I come in contact with terrifies me, exemplifying my eating disorder related thoughts.
Sugar, Butter, Flour, Chocolate - whatever the ingredient, you name it - scares me. They are all fear foods of mine. I know that it's irrational and scientifically incorrect, but I believe that just one bite from a cookie - the teensiest of nibbles - will lead to instant weight gain and make me fat. That's impossible, I know. But my disorder is still too strong and so those thoughts don't go away as they remain to haunt and torture me.
Because christmas cookies are, like many other things, a fear food to me, I find the holiday season more difficult to deal with as you are constantly bombarded with cookies and the likes.
Want to hear the good news? On Christmas Eve, I received a gift from my favorite caretakes down at the intensive station - we were able to uphold the relationship that we had formed. I was given a friendship bracelet (I had made him one previously) and self-made christmas cookies. Self-made christmas cookies. Did I freak out upon this present? Yes, but it did not hinder my actions, my thoughts or my doings.
I look up to this person so much, and to receive the christmas cookies shown above in the picture turned my world upside down. These cookies look good, smell good, are self-made and a present. There's nothing negative about them. No matter how difficult it will be for me, I decided that I will finish off these cookies; all of them - one by one. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy them as well.
Before I begin, I want to wish you all a very happy St. Nicholas Day! Suitable for the festivities that took place today was the fact that it snowed - and not just a little bit. Vienna turned into a winter wonderland over the course of an hour. Now there is house after house, and car after car covered in a thick layer of fresh, powdery snow - it's simply magical.
Not only is today St. Nicholas Day, it is also my little cousin's birthday. She turned six today and I kept telling her, that it snowed for her. In the afternoon, the whole family got together and we celebrated her birthday. The conversations I had with everyone were amusing and very insightful, as I mostly talked with elderly people. In all honesty, there were too many people present for my liking - but I managed to stay calm and collected while being guest there.
Once the conversations faded into the background and everyone had arrived, it was time to officially celebrate with: a cake, or two in this case; the appropriate birthday songs; and let's not forget the presents. It was all fun and games until then.
This was the turning point for me. I was fine singing the songs, but then my grandma asked me which cake I'd prefer without even thinking. I didn't plan on having cake because I already have a meal plan that I follow and cake is one of those fear foods that still deathly terrifies me. I instantly received a panic attack and started crying as I couldn't hold in my emotions - they had free ground. I was guttered at her remark; completely irritated. My mom and me simply glared at her out of disbelief.
Just because I am now able to eat three meals a day, with three supplement drinks does not automatically mean that I can eat anything and everything just because. It's still incredibly difficult to follow my meal plan, yet I have been managing that for a long time now. I know that my body needs to be fuelled with nutrients so that I can become healthy again. Yet the thought of having sweets still seems unfathomable to me. Everything takes time, and I'm just not ready to face those types of food yet. I'm happy with the pace that I am going in - like they say, slow and steady wins the race.
Her ignorance regarding my disorder is what tipped the iceberg tonight. It just shocked me that she assumed that everything is now completely okay with me because I'm getting better. I still have negative thoughts and every meal is still a struggle, let's not forget that. It's not that easy - it all takes time.
