Uncertain

Uncertainty is definitely the word of the day. I'm uneasy and I don't like it; it agitates me, I get anxious and then I'm incapable of being myself as my whole thought process revolves around this sense of uneasiness regarding my stay here at the hospital.

I had a plan concerning the next two to three months of my life. I thought that I would be dismissed next Wednesday, December 19, along with half of the station, so that I could spend the holidays at home with my family - with my loved ones - and then return at the beginning of January for another few weeks before fully separating from the hospital again.

Yet after the talk I had today with my assigned doctor and mom, everything is out in the open. The doctor said that she didn't foresee this 'break' you could call it for my stay here. She believes that it would be detrimental and only hinder my progress. My mom, on the other hand, has mixed feelings - she isn't sure herself. With reference to my short 'break', my doctor reasoned that I could maybe leave for a few days over Christmas - three or so - and then return; if that is at all possible. Either way, what I can definitely have during the holidays if I stay in the hospital is daily outings from dusk till dawn - or longer, because it gets dark so early, haha, that I just have to return before night time draws upon us. 

We had a very long, deep talk; almost an hour - which, in my opinion, is an extremely tedious time frame for just one issue. We did not arrive at any conclusions, leaving me with this feeling of uncertainty that I dread. I understand her reasoning and the points that she made, yet it is difficult to completely switch my thoughts regarding the subject in such a quick interval as I had wholeheartedly believed that I would be spending the holidays at home, and not in the hospital. It's hard and I don't know what to believe anymore; I am torn between two extremes, in a way.

Tomorrow this will be discussed further with the head doctor, my assigned doctor and myself. I'm scared of the outcome; scared of the unknown. Hopefully I won't be too disappointed with the end result. We'll see.