Unike yesterday, I can honestly say that I can fall asleep happy and in good thoughts tonight. Although the day had its ups and downs, like it does for everyone, the last hour made up for it.
I spent this past hour laughing with others from the station; just laughing and having a splendid time. Laughing has always been the best medicine; and will always be, in my opinion. We had our girl session right in front of the nurses' quarters where we 'camped out' in a sense as all of us sat on the floor. When others from the station saw us sitting there, we simply told them that we were having a late night picnic, haha.
The conversations we had were priceless. None of us were able to stop giggling and cracking up. Let me just say that it was an intense ab workout - for all of us present. I haven't enjoyed myself this much in a long time. Our harmonious laughter filled the station as it was impossible for us to keep quiet. To me, laughter symbolizes so many positive things - freedom, enjoyment, being content, etc. Laughter is something that I crave for when I laugh, I know that I am having a good time as no thoughts are plaguing me.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
An Irritating Question
Before I begin, I want to wish you all a very happy St. Nicholas Day! Suitable for the festivities that took place today was the fact that it snowed - and not just a little bit. Vienna turned into a winter wonderland over the course of an hour. Now there is house after house, and car after car covered in a thick layer of fresh, powdery snow - it's simply magical.
Not only is today St. Nicholas Day, it is also my little cousin's birthday. She turned six today and I kept telling her, that it snowed for her. In the afternoon, the whole family got together and we celebrated her birthday. The conversations I had with everyone were amusing and very insightful, as I mostly talked with elderly people. In all honesty, there were too many people present for my liking - but I managed to stay calm and collected while being guest there.
Once the conversations faded into the background and everyone had arrived, it was time to officially celebrate with: a cake, or two in this case; the appropriate birthday songs; and let's not forget the presents. It was all fun and games until then.
This was the turning point for me. I was fine singing the songs, but then my grandma asked me which cake I'd prefer without even thinking. I didn't plan on having cake because I already have a meal plan that I follow and cake is one of those fear foods that still deathly terrifies me. I instantly received a panic attack and started crying as I couldn't hold in my emotions - they had free ground. I was guttered at her remark; completely irritated. My mom and me simply glared at her out of disbelief.
Just because I am now able to eat three meals a day, with three supplement drinks does not automatically mean that I can eat anything and everything just because. It's still incredibly difficult to follow my meal plan, yet I have been managing that for a long time now. I know that my body needs to be fuelled with nutrients so that I can become healthy again. Yet the thought of having sweets still seems unfathomable to me. Everything takes time, and I'm just not ready to face those types of food yet. I'm happy with the pace that I am going in - like they say, slow and steady wins the race.
Her ignorance regarding my disorder is what tipped the iceberg tonight. It just shocked me that she assumed that everything is now completely okay with me because I'm getting better. I still have negative thoughts and every meal is still a struggle, let's not forget that. It's not that easy - it all takes time.
Not only is today St. Nicholas Day, it is also my little cousin's birthday. She turned six today and I kept telling her, that it snowed for her. In the afternoon, the whole family got together and we celebrated her birthday. The conversations I had with everyone were amusing and very insightful, as I mostly talked with elderly people. In all honesty, there were too many people present for my liking - but I managed to stay calm and collected while being guest there.
Once the conversations faded into the background and everyone had arrived, it was time to officially celebrate with: a cake, or two in this case; the appropriate birthday songs; and let's not forget the presents. It was all fun and games until then.
This was the turning point for me. I was fine singing the songs, but then my grandma asked me which cake I'd prefer without even thinking. I didn't plan on having cake because I already have a meal plan that I follow and cake is one of those fear foods that still deathly terrifies me. I instantly received a panic attack and started crying as I couldn't hold in my emotions - they had free ground. I was guttered at her remark; completely irritated. My mom and me simply glared at her out of disbelief.
Just because I am now able to eat three meals a day, with three supplement drinks does not automatically mean that I can eat anything and everything just because. It's still incredibly difficult to follow my meal plan, yet I have been managing that for a long time now. I know that my body needs to be fuelled with nutrients so that I can become healthy again. Yet the thought of having sweets still seems unfathomable to me. Everything takes time, and I'm just not ready to face those types of food yet. I'm happy with the pace that I am going in - like they say, slow and steady wins the race.
Her ignorance regarding my disorder is what tipped the iceberg tonight. It just shocked me that she assumed that everything is now completely okay with me because I'm getting better. I still have negative thoughts and every meal is still a struggle, let's not forget that. It's not that easy - it all takes time.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
A Big Sigh of Relief
Yesterday I mentioned going to bed feeling very tense, uneasy and anxious at the thought of today's weigh-in because of my dilemma. Well, it's over now and I'm still here; standing tall - both figuratively and literally, haha.
This morning was horrid. I was shaking stepping onto the scale and had my eyes shut tightly out of fear. Slowly gaining enough courage, I gradually open first my right and then my left eye, staring at the number. Thankfully there was no drastic change; my weight didn't plummet - it stayed the same. It was as if my prayer's had been answered because the last time I had an upset stomach, I was put on station lockdown as I had lost weight; but not this time. In my head, I immediately started doing a happy dance. A huge sense of relief spread all over my body and I was ready to face the day.
Another incredibly positive outcome of today is that my mom arrived back from Germany tonight. She is now back for the time being. It's good to have my mommy back, I've missed her tremendously.
This morning was horrid. I was shaking stepping onto the scale and had my eyes shut tightly out of fear. Slowly gaining enough courage, I gradually open first my right and then my left eye, staring at the number. Thankfully there was no drastic change; my weight didn't plummet - it stayed the same. It was as if my prayer's had been answered because the last time I had an upset stomach, I was put on station lockdown as I had lost weight; but not this time. In my head, I immediately started doing a happy dance. A huge sense of relief spread all over my body and I was ready to face the day.
Another incredibly positive outcome of today is that my mom arrived back from Germany tonight. She is now back for the time being. It's good to have my mommy back, I've missed her tremendously.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Scared of Tomorrow
I don't want tomorrow to come; I'm deathly afraid of tomorrow morning - of the weigh-in. I contracted diarrhea today and am scared that it will have influenced my weight significantly. I told the helpers today about my dilemma and they gave me some medicine, yet I am still unsure of what tomorrow will bring. I am restless right now. I don't want a number to control how my day will turn out, but I'm really hoping for the better. Whenever my weight plummets, the doctor's said that I will have a station lockdown, like previously.
It's amazing how one little thing can affect you; how much influence it has over you. For me, right now, it's a big dilemma having diarrhea because it means that my body isn't keeping any of the valuable nutrients that it needs to rebuild itself. It's anything but good.
Hopefully the medicine will work it's magic.
I'm going to sleep feeling uneasy and agitated; I hope that tomorrow I can look at the situation from a new perspective.
It's amazing how one little thing can affect you; how much influence it has over you. For me, right now, it's a big dilemma having diarrhea because it means that my body isn't keeping any of the valuable nutrients that it needs to rebuild itself. It's anything but good.
Hopefully the medicine will work it's magic.
I'm going to sleep feeling uneasy and agitated; I hope that tomorrow I can look at the situation from a new perspective.
Monday, December 3, 2012
"Monday Funday"
Normally people dread Mondays as it's the day after the perfect weekend of relaxing and not thinking about one's responsibilities and work. Like Garfield, who hates Mondays with a passion, I generally do too as I always long for the weekend to be drawn-out because it feels so nice to be at home with my mom.
But today was different, today was a good Monday. Everything worked out and was positive even though my mom left to Germany this morning.
The day started off with amazing news - I gained weight again over the weekend! Which means that all my hard work is paying off. It also showed me that I am capable of gaining weight by myself as well as I spend the majority of my weekend outside of the hospital.
The positivite atmosphere continued all the way through ergotherapy, where I started my next acryllic piece - this time it's for the living room in our new apartment. Ergotherapy is definitely my favorite therapy session as it allows me to be creative and during the therapy, I forget about everything else - not worrying about my body, calories, and food - solely focusing on the task at hand. I eagerly await ergotherapy like a little child waiting for Santa every morning.
In the afternoon, with the help of my grandfather, I managed to accomplish every task that I set out to do - buying my little cousin's birthday present, going to the phone shop as an update didn't install itself, photocopying an article about anancastic personalities that my doctor gave me to read, as well as a quick layover at home to pick up my laundry. It was very productive to say the least, but I didn't stress myself, which is something that I've been working on as I have always been easily stressed and overwhelmed by certain situations.
Although my mom departed once again this morning, this time to fly to Germany, I managed to occupy myself again tonight as I did not have anyone visiting me, which is rarely the case. I went to starbucks by myself as it is more comfortable to read my book there, in a nice, comfy chair rather than the hard, wooden stools that we have here at the station where I need a cushion to sit because otherwise it hurts.
And now it's time for me to say goodnight, after this oh-so-productive and affirmative day, even though it was a Monday, the day I usually dread the most.
But today was different, today was a good Monday. Everything worked out and was positive even though my mom left to Germany this morning.
The day started off with amazing news - I gained weight again over the weekend! Which means that all my hard work is paying off. It also showed me that I am capable of gaining weight by myself as well as I spend the majority of my weekend outside of the hospital.
The positivite atmosphere continued all the way through ergotherapy, where I started my next acryllic piece - this time it's for the living room in our new apartment. Ergotherapy is definitely my favorite therapy session as it allows me to be creative and during the therapy, I forget about everything else - not worrying about my body, calories, and food - solely focusing on the task at hand. I eagerly await ergotherapy like a little child waiting for Santa every morning.
In the afternoon, with the help of my grandfather, I managed to accomplish every task that I set out to do - buying my little cousin's birthday present, going to the phone shop as an update didn't install itself, photocopying an article about anancastic personalities that my doctor gave me to read, as well as a quick layover at home to pick up my laundry. It was very productive to say the least, but I didn't stress myself, which is something that I've been working on as I have always been easily stressed and overwhelmed by certain situations.
Although my mom departed once again this morning, this time to fly to Germany, I managed to occupy myself again tonight as I did not have anyone visiting me, which is rarely the case. I went to starbucks by myself as it is more comfortable to read my book there, in a nice, comfy chair rather than the hard, wooden stools that we have here at the station where I need a cushion to sit because otherwise it hurts.
And now it's time for me to say goodnight, after this oh-so-productive and affirmative day, even though it was a Monday, the day I usually dread the most.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Japanese Proverb
"One kind word can warm three winter months"
This saying is perfect for the circumstance that I am in.
- It is officially winter for me as today marks the first advent sunday and it snowed for the first time since October! Winter is finally really here :3
- I am receiving positive feedback from friends and family that I am getting better and looking healthier.
- I love my mom for telling me this quote today.
Recovery isn't easy, it's hard work - there are bad days when nothing seems to go as planned, negative thoughts still exist, certain anorectic rituals still surface, thoughts regarding restricting and not meeting my meal plan come up. I know that upon reading my blog, many of you must think that I am doing extremely well with recovery, having one positive achievement after the next, which is true, but some negative aspect in one form or another always manages to sneak up on me from behind day in day out. On this blog however, I try to focus on the positive as it is a motivator for me, encourages me to keep fighting and it is self-soothing in a way, like therapy, as I am able to reflect on something positive that I accomplished.
Regardless, for me, the 'three winter months' symbolizes my road through recovery and all the battles and hardships that I face along the way. Like winter, recovery is bitter, raw, arctic, and frosty - in other words, not pleasant. So hearing positive feedback and encouragement from others concerning my journey towards getting healthy and gaining my life back really does make the fight worthwhile. Upon receiving heartening and morale-boosting through just a few simple words, my world can be turned upside down, as I become joyful and ecstatic to know that everything I am dealing with is paying off.
As cliché as it is, you only live once, and it's up to each of us to make our life worth living.
Regardless, for me, the 'three winter months' symbolizes my road through recovery and all the battles and hardships that I face along the way. Like winter, recovery is bitter, raw, arctic, and frosty - in other words, not pleasant. So hearing positive feedback and encouragement from others concerning my journey towards getting healthy and gaining my life back really does make the fight worthwhile. Upon receiving heartening and morale-boosting through just a few simple words, my world can be turned upside down, as I become joyful and ecstatic to know that everything I am dealing with is paying off.
As cliché as it is, you only live once, and it's up to each of us to make our life worth living.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Second Night-Leave!
My mom returned from Tokyo today and the reunion was lovely. Not only did I get to spend time with her by catching up and getting to know the current news of Tokyo - almost like story time for little kids as I sat there and anxiously awaited every word - I get to spend the entire evening and morning with her as well, as I am at home for the second time :3
Home to me is a placed where you are with loved ones. At home, you are able to relax and simply do nothing but be content with the entire situation; you feel completely at ease.
I'm learning to feel at ease again at home, and, like my ergotherapist suggested and instructed me to do: be capable of relaxing. Tonight was a lazy Saturday night in with my mom - we watched movies, gossiped, laughed.
Goodnight everyone. Now it's time for me to cuddle up in my own bed and get a good night's sleep, dreaming of tomorrow.
Home to me is a placed where you are with loved ones. At home, you are able to relax and simply do nothing but be content with the entire situation; you feel completely at ease.
I'm learning to feel at ease again at home, and, like my ergotherapist suggested and instructed me to do: be capable of relaxing. Tonight was a lazy Saturday night in with my mom - we watched movies, gossiped, laughed.
Goodnight everyone. Now it's time for me to cuddle up in my own bed and get a good night's sleep, dreaming of tomorrow.
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