A Quote I Need to Remember

"Perhaps most of all you deserve to be okay. You deserve to know that a day in which you can just barely get out of bed because you are sad, or sick, or simply not ready to see the outside is not the end of the world. You deserve to know that moments of weakness do not make you fundamentally weak, only fundamentally human, and that sometimes we're not going to be effusively happy, and that is okay" - Chelsea Fagan 

Courage is a Necessity

Wise words were vocalized to me today by a dear friend of mine here at the station, who is leaving tomorrow; that - 

Having courage does not mean that we are unafraid. Having courage and showing courage mean that we are able to face our fears. We are able to say: I have fallen but I will get up and fight.

I don't know why, but these words have stuck with me all day today. I can't seem to be able to get them out of my train of thought, probably for the better.

This saying goes to show that simply by having courage, it does not necessarily equate to always being optimistic, positive, bright - that whole end of the emotional spectrum. It highlights the fact that courage is something that enables us to keep going, regardless of if we are having a good or a bad day. For me, courage symbolizes that fighting spirit that is necessary in battling one's inner demons.

Like today, for example, didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. My therapy sessions in the morning were all cancelled so I had nothing to do. I was faced with four dreaded hours of nothingness here at the station. Thankfully I was able to thoroughly enjoy the book that I am currently devouring from beginning to end and the feelings of uneasiness that were plaguing me were diminished. Another roadblock that occurred to me today was the fact that the head doctor had determined that all supplement drinks have to be taken in front of the helpers and then you have to sit with them for thirty minutes afterwards. I am currently the only one taking three supplement drinks a day, or any for that matter, even though there is other anorexic people here. Now imagine how hard it is to sit there for 1.5 hours in total without having anything to do - I'm simply glared at by the helpers, being carefully observed. Finally, the fact that so many people are leaving the station tomorrow while I remain stuck here hit me hard today as well. So this list goes to show that today has not been my day. But did that stop me from fighting, from having the courage to persevere and keep going? NO. 

I followed my meal plan, drank my supplement drinks, dealt with the anxiety and uneasiness and battled those thoughts. That's right.

Japanese Proverb

"One kind word can warm three winter months"

This saying is perfect for the circumstance that I am in.

1. It is officially winter for me as today marks the first advent sunday and it snowed for the first time since October! Winter is finally really here :3
2. I am receiving positive feedback from friends and family that I am getting better and looking healthier.
3. I love my mom for telling me this quote today.

Recovery isn't easy, it's hard work - there are bad days when nothing seems to go as planned, negative thoughts still exist, certain anorectic rituals still surface, thoughts regarding restricting and not meeting my meal plan come up. I know that upon reading my blog, many of you must think that I am doing extremely well with recovery, having one positive achievement after the next, which is true, but some negative aspect in one form or another always manages to sneak up on me from behind day in day out. On this blog however, I try to focus on the positive as it is a motivator for me, encourages me to keep fighting and it is self-soothing in a way, like therapy, as I am able to reflect on something positive that I accomplished.

Regardless, for me, the 'three winter months' symbolizes my road through recovery and all the battles and hardships that I face along the way. Like winter, recovery is bitter, raw, arctic, and frosty - in other words, not pleasant. So hearing positive feedback and encouragement from others concerning my journey towards getting healthy and gaining my life back really does make the fight worthwhile. Upon receiving heartening and morale-boosting through just a few simple words, my world can be turned upside down, as I become joyful and ecstatic to know that everything I am dealing with is paying off.

As cliché as it is, you only live once, and it's up to each of us to make our life worth living.