I'm Back In Charge

Weigh-in days are never something I anticipate or look forward to in the slightest, like I would when meeting up with someone I haven't seen in a long time or Christmas Eve when you're about to open up your presents. All morning until 7.15 am, when I am weighed, I am anxious beyond belief - Was it enough? Did everything work out? Will the result be positive? These thoughts circulate in my mind consecutively until I know for sure and see the result, a definite answer. I do not need to wait for the doctors round later on in the day to figure out whether or not the weigh-in was a positive experience as I myself know whether I gained weight, stayed the same, or lost weight. 

This time, like always lately, everything was positive. Not only that, but I overshot the weight that the head doctor said I needed to reach in order to drink my supplement drinks on my own again without supervision. Finally; I couldn't have been more relieved this morning upon seeing that number. Knowing that now, after two weeks - or longer, even - I am in charge of my supplement drinks again, not the helpers. It was that sense of relief one has upon having a graded paper returned and seeing that it has been completed with excellence - pure contentment. 

Now I am finally able to be in charge again, not only of my meals but of my supplement drinks as well. For the past weeks I had to consume my supplement drinks just after finishing each meal - not only was it extremely uncomfortable for my stomach to drink them straight after my already substantial meals but having that many calories all in one go isn't the best for my mentality either - but that never stopped me. It was just harder than it had too. Now that I can decide when to have the supplement drinks, I can have them in between my meals as snacks so to say.

Everything's looking up.

Laughter Fills the Air

Unike yesterday, I can honestly say that I can fall asleep happy and in good thoughts tonight. Although the day had its ups and downs, like it does for everyone, the last hour made up for it. 

I spent this past hour laughing with others from the station; just laughing and having a splendid time. Laughing has always been the best medicine; and will always be, in my opinion. We had our girl session right in front of the nurses' quarters where we 'camped out' in a sense as all of us sat on the floor. When others from the station saw us sitting there, we simply told them that we were having a late night picnic, haha. 

The conversations we had were priceless. None of us were able to stop giggling and cracking up. Let me just say that it was an intense ab workout - for all of us present. I haven't enjoyed myself this much in a long time. Our harmonious laughter filled the station as it was impossible for us to keep quiet. To me, laughter symbolizes so many positive things - freedom, enjoyment, being content, etc. Laughter is something that I crave for when I laugh, I know that I am having a good time as no thoughts are plaguing me. 

Japanese Proverb

"One kind word can warm three winter months"

This saying is perfect for the circumstance that I am in.

1. It is officially winter for me as today marks the first advent sunday and it snowed for the first time since October! Winter is finally really here :3
2. I am receiving positive feedback from friends and family that I am getting better and looking healthier.
3. I love my mom for telling me this quote today.

Recovery isn't easy, it's hard work - there are bad days when nothing seems to go as planned, negative thoughts still exist, certain anorectic rituals still surface, thoughts regarding restricting and not meeting my meal plan come up. I know that upon reading my blog, many of you must think that I am doing extremely well with recovery, having one positive achievement after the next, which is true, but some negative aspect in one form or another always manages to sneak up on me from behind day in day out. On this blog however, I try to focus on the positive as it is a motivator for me, encourages me to keep fighting and it is self-soothing in a way, like therapy, as I am able to reflect on something positive that I accomplished.

Regardless, for me, the 'three winter months' symbolizes my road through recovery and all the battles and hardships that I face along the way. Like winter, recovery is bitter, raw, arctic, and frosty - in other words, not pleasant. So hearing positive feedback and encouragement from others concerning my journey towards getting healthy and gaining my life back really does make the fight worthwhile. Upon receiving heartening and morale-boosting through just a few simple words, my world can be turned upside down, as I become joyful and ecstatic to know that everything I am dealing with is paying off.

As cliché as it is, you only live once, and it's up to each of us to make our life worth living. 

One Month and One Day

It's amazing how fast time passes in certain instances; it seems like just yesterday that I arrived at the 'new' station. No wonder that there's the saying time flies when you're having fun.

Although there's been rough days, such as the station lockdown, losing weight and the two times that I seriously considered leaving here before my planned date because I couldn't deal with the circumtances correctly, it's been a positive journey for the most part.

Let's just have a little recap of all the positive achievements that I have accomplished in the past month while being here:

• Eating a wrong meal successfully; one that I didn't order in my meal plan
• My first time being outside since August
• My first overnight stay away from the hospital
• My first eating out experience that wasn't in the hospital
• My first time eating at a restaurant and ordering a proper meal from the menu without tweaking the dish to lessen the calorie content
• Consuming both additional food as well as liquid calories
• Gaining weight
• Staring to enjoy food

I think that the list goes to show just how successful I have been and how much I was able to execute. Now I just need to remember that not everyday can be completely positive, that setbacks will occur. In those moments, it will be key to not give in to those anorexic thoughts but to keep going - even stronger.

First Night at Home Since August

Last weekend, I was given the option of going on night-leave and so I, credulous me, thought that it would be no different this time - that the choice of going on night-leave would be there. Well, I was wrong. This week was eventful to say the least. From the station lockdown on Wednesday to the consumption of both additional eadible calories and liquid calories on top of my meal plan and my first real dining out experience for the past 1.5 years, it's safe to say that a lot has happened with regards to my recovery in the past few days.

On Friday, during the doctor's round, the head doctor presented his case regarding his decision not to give me the option of night-leave and my world shattered into a million little pieces, just like a mirror does when it is dropped. Then again, broken pieces of glass are supposed to give you luck - just a thought. He wanted to give me two day passes that are valid for the entire day, which means that I had the possibility to eat lunch outside in a restaurant or at home on both Saturday and Sunday. His reason behind this, and I quote, "we do not want to rush into anything like last time and take on too much at once." 

Anger-ridden me, because of the situation and his belief, started to argue with him. For 10 minutes I sat there and pleaded my case, trying to successfully convince him and the rest of the team that night-leave would be good for me. With the day passes, I would have two meals in total that wouldn't be at the hospital; I used that as my main point. Thankfully, we came to a consensus - that I would be allowed to go home on Saturday after lunch as long as I returned for lunch on Sunday; which also comes down to having two meals outside. I was overjoyed and full of excitement and my mood altered immediately to a much healthier state.

...I just woke up from my first night at home of sleeping in my bed, with my sheets, in my room. Might I just say that I haven't slept this good since going to the hospital at the end of August - this night was pure bliss.

An amazing good night's sleep after an extraordinary afternoon and evening at home was simply beyond my wildest expectations of what would occur. Yesterday afternoon was spent with my mom and together with her, I organized my room and tried to tidy up my closet - which we achieved. The night was spent with my best friend, who came to look at our newly furnished and bought apartment, and we had a lovely time together - catching up and watching movies.

Having gone on night-leave was definitely the right option for me, as it has given me the incentive to try even harder in terms of my recovery because I want to lead a normal life again. And having a taste of that for the first time was, like I said, beyond my wildest expectations.

Benefits of Ergotherapy

Ergotherapy is the treatment of disease, in my case anorexia nervosa, by physical work and recreation. It is therapeutic physical training in a sense that you do something creative. The aim of ergotherapy is to help people design their everyday life and to increase the quality of their life by finding coping mechanisms and ways to deal with one's struggles and problems.

Here in the hospital, I have ergotherapy for 1.5 hours every Monday through Thursday. The amount of options one has to be creative is unimaginable; that's how much there is. There is always something new to try and something to lay one's hands on. There is weaving, knitting, felting, drawing, painting, clay work, creating braided baskets and silk scarves, book binding, etc. Like I said, the choices are endless.

I have already created silk scarves, two woven pieces, a clay bowl for the new kitchen, and this acryllic trial piece below - that I finished today. I am looking forward to tomorrow's session as I started on my acryllic canvas piece and am continuing with it tomorrow.

My acryllic paint trial

Right now, ergotherapy is my favorite therapy session as it allows me to be creative and is a good outlet for me in regards to my thoughts and negative rituals or behaviors that still surface from time to time. Whenever I am down, I focus on the task at hand and start to enjoy myself and what I am doing; completely putting me off my negative thoughts. That's why I am in love with ergotherapy. That and the fact that it allows me to be even more creative.

It's All Going Uphill

Today has been a day of laughter, of rejoice, of joy, of happiness. I woke up feeling great after a good nights sleep and my mood hasn't deteriorated in the slightest. On the contrary, it's only gotten better.

As today is friday, it was another weigh-in morning. Only this time, I didn't dread it. I was pleased to see that the number had gone up again. I couldn't hold this excitement in and keep this important piece of information to myself, so I immediately called my mom and told her the great news.

At the doctor's round, there was nothing but positive news as well. This weekend, I had received the permission to go on night-leave from Saturday to Sunday because my weight has been increasing progressively for the past couple of days with no setbacks. I, however, after having been on lockdown in the hospital the last weekend and not being able to leave the premises this week, I thought that night-leave would be too much for me right now. And that's what I told the doctor's. We came to an agreement that I am able to leave the premises in accompaniment both on Saturday and Sunday throughout the day as long as I am there for the three main meals. 

I think that that's a good stepping stone and that it's important that I don't rush into things and take on too much at once. Night-leave is something that I have in sight for the following weekend if everything goes as planned. 

Good News!

I awaited today so anxiously since Monday. This morning, upon waking up, I was tense all over because of what lay ahead - the weigh-in that would determine everything (at least that's what it felt like). Weigh-ins are always Monday, Wednesday and Friday - which are, coincidentally, the days I dread the most. Seeing that number on the scale go either up, down or stay the same is always a terrifying process. I never know how to react.

But this time, this time I was really hoping that I had gained enough from Monday so that I could leave the station by myself again and walk around the premises without accompaniment.

Although I gained weight over the weekend, the doctor's believed that it was still for the best to have me on lockdown at the station if I wasn't with someone else. They promised me that if I gained x grams by Wednesday, that that would change. So since Monday, thoughts regarding today's weigh-in were circulating in my brain non-stop; non-stop I tell you. After every meal, I thought to myself: were those enough calories to help me reach my goal? 

I'm currently incapable of describing just how tense I've been feeling these past two days.

So anyway, stepping onto the scale this morning was different than the previous times. Carefully placing first my right, and then my left foot onto the scale, I waited. And waited. Waited for what seemed like hours, eons even. Then, the number appeared and a huge sense of relief spread all over my body. I was able to feel again. I gained enough.

For now, it feels like I have a sense of freedom back; that I'm not tied down to the station or other people anymore. I have a bit of breathing space again. And I love that.

Hopefully the setback last week won't hinder my recovery any further. It's all upwards from here.

Reunion with Daddy

Finally; I saw my father again for the first time since September 30th. Quoting Nelly, a hip-hop artist, whose song I sang at graduation with the rest of my grade, "Today is the day; Is the day that I have always dreamed of."

Cambodia two and a half years ago.

Seeing my dad walk into my room at 1 pm today instantly brought tears to my eyes, and his, if I remember correctly. Not tears of sadness, but tears of joy - of happiness. We were finally reunited after having been apart for what seems like eons to me.

The last time he saw me, my condition was a lot worse than now; although my mindset had already changed and I was already tackling my disorder head-on. He had already seen the fighting spirit in me, but now, he could tell how much I've changed; how much I've developed and gotten healthier - although I am still nowhere near healthy, if you know what I mean.

Back in September, I was unable to move - I was on strict bed rest and still had my daily "kitty wash" on the bed as I was too weak to take a shower and my circulation was still too bad. I still had regular infusions back then because my body wasn't able to provide the sufficient nutrients. I also had the two blood transfusions while he was with me. Also, I weighed a lot less than I do now.

Therefore, the tears of joy from him are also a symbol of relief. Now he knows and can see for himself, that I've been successful so far. That I want to live; to return to normality.

I love my dad to death and value his opinion greatly. I had a blast with him today. Seeing my mom and him together for the first time since summer was just the icing on the cake. I loved every minute of today.

"A Tiger Doesn't Lose Sleep Over the Opinion of Sheep"

I was browsing the web earlier on today and stumbled upon this picture with the quote "A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep." I agree with the saying full on. A tiger simply does not waste any of his energy worrying about his prey because he has better things to do in his time, such as taking a stroll through their territory in the jungle, spending time with their cubs, etc. It's safe to say that tigers have better things to do to occupy their time with.

Words of wisdom

And that got me thinking about where I am at with my thoughts, especially in terms of eating. Just like the tiger, I shouldn't waste any spare moment thinking about food, calories, weight; the list goes on. I should enjoy myself, just like the tiger. 

This is one of the goals I have for my stay here at the station: to be able to think and worry about matters that are not related to food and my disorder. I want to become one of these fierce, ferocious tigers. I know I can become one, slowly and over time - requiring lots of patience. It has greatly improved already, with the thoughts diminishing, yet they are still there and I know that with time, even those little thoughts will start to disappear and fade into the background, transforming me into a tiger.

Food is Fuel

This station, 6B, is specifically for people with eating disorders, sleeping disorders and those with anxiety stares. Because of this, there is a broad range of people here. Out of the 16 people currently here, only two others suffer from anorexia nervosa. Like me, they are trying their hardest to gain weight and become healthy. 

I am expected to finish all of my meals and drink all of my supplement drinks by the doctors, just as I was down in the intensive station. I can honestly say that I have achieved this every day since coming here as I have not given in to my eating disorder that far; the only thing that's been bringing me down is the thoughts. They've been stronger lately.

But that's beside the point, what I'm trying to say is that it's hard to finish meal after meal, making sure that every little crumb is taken care of by my tummy while I sit across from others at the table who barely touch their food. I know that they aren't here to gain weight like me, but it just makes it so much more difficult and agonizing to eat, knowing that there is people here who do not need to eat that much. This, of course, makes me feel guilty for eating. But do I give in to my eating disorder? Do I listen to those thoughts? Do I use my anorexic rituals? The answer is quite simple - No. I am stronger. I choose life. 

I keep telling myself that the food I eat is fuel for my body, that my body needs the nutrients to become healthy once again. 

It's Not Always as Topsy-Turvy as it Appears

My posts on this blog here tend to be quite positive, which in no way means that recovery is a smooth and easy-going process and that there is no negative thoughts or rituals involved. I do still have daily moments in which my anorexic tendencies surface in one way, shape or form. Just because I do not document it, does not mean that my recovery is easy going in any way.

Eating is still hard, I still struggle with every bite. But I am learning to deal with it by trying to enjoy what I take in. I hope to be able to fully enjoy food again soon. Moments still occur in which I regret taking that last bite, or finishing off a particular scary meal that contains several fear foods. Thoughts that come up on occasion involve: Why did you eat that, you already had enough; You don't need that; You're disgusting and don't deserve to treat yourself. I still have these thoughts, but I try not to dwell and listen to them.

I created this blog to have an outlet. On here, I document the positive things that occur during each day so that when I'm feeling down and not well - having anorexic thoughts - that I have a place to turn to and see just how far I have come. Documenting the negative aspects of my recovery would not do me any good as I don't want to be reminded of them, but rather of all the positives and all the successes I've achieved.

On a positive, I believe that I'm past that point in recovery where I'd contemplate ever going fully back to my disorder or try to lose weight. I'm coming to value my mental state more than my physical state and appearance these days which makes gaining weight easier to deal with. 

Giving Hope & Spreading Life

We all know from school that wikipedia is something that we shouldn't use to cite, just like it is rude to talk on you mobile phone while being on public transportation. It is a given; basically. I must admit that I am quite worn out today because I've been on another outing, had physiotherapy and a busy day in general, so let's just make an exception just this once and use wikipedia.

Sadako Sasaki, who lived in Hiroshima at the time of the atomic bombing by the United States, developed leukemia from the radiation and spent her time in a nursing home creating origami cranes in hope of making a thousand of them. She was inspired to do so by the Japanese legend that one who created a thousand origami cranes would then be granted a wish. Her wish was simply to live. However, she managed to fold only 644 cranes before she became too weak to fold any more, and died on October 25th, 1955. Her friends and family helped finish her dream by folding the rest of the cranes, which were buried with Sadako.

Now, every year on Obon Day, which is a holiday in Japan to remember the departed spirits of one's ancestors, thousands of people leave paper cranes near the statue of Sadako. On the statue is a plaque: "This is our cry. This is our prayer. Peace on Earth." 

Japanese culture has treasured the crane as a symbol of honor, loyalty and peace. To me, it is also a symbol of hope. I, much like Sadako, simply want to be able to live again and for that reason, I have decided to conquer this project - to fold 1,000 paper cranes. I know that I have to complete this within a year and I am determined to finish this full force, pouring my heart and soul into every little twist and turn that is required to create these beauties.

The beginning of my collection.

I want nothing more than to live again; to be able to enjoy life and be healthy. That's all I crave. 

First Outing!

Dull, misty and foggy. That's what I remember this morning being like. It reminded me of a graveyard, and all the uneasiness and mystery that comes with one. In a way, it was a perfect halloween setting, which, may I say, I am totally stoked for and is just around the corner! I already know what I'm gonna be, do you? Anyway, the conditions outside were horrid and thus my room was never able to become light and bright - there was no positive vibes coming in from outside. It felt more like positive vibes were leaving, being sucked out into all the remnants. To brighten the room, the helpers brought in an extra therapy light to create the ying and yang that was missing this morning. With this lamp, everything was going full force again and I was on track.

At the daily rounds, I was nervous to say the least, anxiously awaiting what the leading doctor would say today - sitting in my bed trying to collect myself and calm down just like students try to before taking a test. All the frantic worrying was time wasted, as there was nothing but good news today! I am now able to go to the ergotherapy room in a different floor instead of having them come down here to me; enabling me to do a variety more of creative things that are impossible at an intensive psychiatric station.

And the best news to date is that I am now allowed to go outside! Outside. Me. Who would've thought. For now, I am allowed to leave the station for one hour everyday in accompaniment with a visitor.

Since September 7, I have been mainly on bedrest, stuck on my bed (at the beginning it was because I was actually unable to move myself around at all), and for the last three days I have been allowed to walk around in the station. But today marks the day that I left the station for the first time, with my best friend in the world. We walked to starbucks (thank god for the starbucks that's in the main building that we found in no time as we thought we would never even come near it - making us feel like proper detectives who just solved their biggest case: proud and accomplished). I was at starbucks; sitting there with my best friend, just talking, gossiping about anything and everything. Once again, I felt normal. I didn't feel like I was sick, like I had this atrocious illness for just a few splendid moments. And that's all I needed to make today a good day. My best friend and my first outing. 

Goodbye Bedrest

Laughter, chatter, gossip - the exchanges and sounds of other people. That's what filled the air here today, at least for me as I was finally put off of bedrest! I no longer need to sit in my bed minute after minute and bore myself to death. 

Although it doesn't seem like much, since I am only allowed to walk around in the station itself, the only room I can really go into besides the one I'm residing in is the TV room that, at the same time, is the smoker room also. Even though it's a plain room - the wall has a craack and is mustard yellow, there is no windows and it generally is a mess - there is life inside. 

Today, I was in there with two other patients, one of whom has become a dear friend of mine, and another friend that came to visit us. And we were able to really talk, like women do when they meet up for the cup of coffee at starbucks in the mornings. I was finally able to talk with friends and I wasn't stuck sitting on my bed, or in my room for the matter of fact. I wasn't reminded of my illness. I felt normal. I'm learning how to feel and be normal again, and that's all that matters. I just need to remember that.

Weight gain is a slow process, and it takes time. I need to patient. I've been here the longest out of all eight patients, since September 7, and will still be here for a while because of my weight. I haven't gained a lot, which comes to show how messed up my bodily functions have become because of what I put my body through. I had to learn the hard way and now I just need to remain tolerant and not give up. I got this.

Hungry - Major Recovery Win

Funny thing, I was hungry for the first time today, really hungry - my stomach was growling just like a lion does while consuming his prey; the only difference being that i was very impatiently awaiting my meal instead of enjoying it already. It was for lunch. Yes, lunch was later than usual because it turns out that there was a collision with some lunch carts - how that happens, I have no idea - but having hunger signs is a good thing. It's another step in the right direction. I'm so proud of myself. Hopefully I'll soon start to feel these signals again for every meal and not just occassionally. But I have to remember that it takes time.

The day doesn't end there. So much more happened. I completely got my nose tube removed today. I no longer feel like an outcast, an alien with a tube sticking out of its nose. That's no longer me. I now look normal from the outside, just like everybody else, I can finally somewhat fit in again. And because the tube is now gone, I am also successfully eating three ginormous portions for breakfast, lunch and dinner - all of them being served in bed, making me feel like a king - and three high-caloric drinks in between. The amount I consume seems bizarre to me and the thoughts are stronger now that I have these drinks, but rationally I know that it's only for the best. I need these nutrients to nourish my body. I can't let these thoughts take over so I've been occupying myself quite productively I must say. For one, I should really make my own friendship bracelet botique for the amount I finish in a day; these days I am as busy as a bee when it comes to distracting myself. I have mastered the art of that.

Distractions

Being in the hospital for such a vast time frame, there is a trend that I see happening, and that is the repetition of certain discussions that I find to be pretty awkward in real life - but in here, they are a daily thing. And very important not to forget. They are as pivotal in our daily communication in here as it is for a baby to cry his guts out for whatever reason. Two important conversations come to mind when I think of this - did you have to go to the bathroom today? (as in did you have to poop); and what are you doing with all your used tissues? Now, I know they seem like odd topics of conversation, but around here, that's normal.

The helper's here ask us daily whether or not we pooped because it is important to note as it shows that your body is functioning properly. And whenever they ask, no matter which helper it is, we always start babbling on about how awkward those type of questions actually are and have a good laugh, just like the big and loud one that Santa Claus does every Christmas Eve when he is out delivering his presents. Like I said, in here, I'm totally fine with answering that, but outside, I would stare the person down, turn around and leave. Just kidding, I'm not that mean. But I wouldn't go around and tell everyone whether or not I pooped.

Writing this makes me think of some people who I always had conversations with regarding this even before the hospital, I hope you know who you are and I miss you all dearly.

The second topic was that of used tissues and handkerchiefs. Since the air conditioning is on 24/7, it gets quite chilly easily and it's almost guaranteed that you receive a cold as a result. Let me just say that there is tissues everywhere in this room you can possibly imagine - there's bins overflowing with them countless times a day, they're on the floor, on our bedside - simply everywhere. But the funniest thing was when one of my dear friends, who has already left and is much better now, did not throw her tissues away after using them. I was shocked, who does that? She hid them behind her pillow because she was convinced to use them again and again; the same tissue. It was hilarious the conversations we had about that looking back now.

I personally think that these types of awkward conversations are the best type of distraction because they enable you to laugh, be witty and think outside the box. They make you forget your worries and you just sit there, join in and forget about the happenings of the real world for a blink of an eye. And that's something I love.

Looking Forward to a Meal

Today, for the first time in what feels like eons, I woke up refreshed - feeling exactly like sleeping beauty after she wakes to find herself in a different century - I woke up calm. The nights before, I had horrid sleeping patterns, waking up several times a night just to find myself stare at the empty ceiling above me. I slept in pain; suffered through all my negative thoughts at night; and most likely gave in to those thoughts that I've successfully conquered during the day while in my series of catnaps you could say - taking the amount of times I was up into consideration. But now, ever since yesterday, I felt at ease even during the night. My bones didn't ache with every move; I didn't need three blankets just because I had no energy to heat myself; I no longer needed a pillow between my legs so that my knees wouldn't have to touch as that would hurt and be uncomfortable. Yesterday was the first night it was different. I didn't feel like a skeleton (although I still am very very thin - which is something I'm trying to change willingly). I hope that tonight will be the same blissful experience.

Waking up to my fully decorated window in the morning sunlight is pure joy and I already knew that today, I was in charge. That today, those thoughts could go, excuse my language, screw themselves as I had better things to do. Now comes the most important news of the day: I was HUNGRY. Me, hungry? I heard my stomach growl and couldn't believe it. I was looking forward to breakfast. Me, looking forward to a meal. Gosh, the last time that happened was probably last summer. Maybe it's because it contained my favorite breakfast item - muesli - but nontheless, I was looking forward to breakfast.

Today in total was a MAJOR RECOVERY WIN DAY.

Little Things

To start off, today's weather was simply astonishing - the bright and sunny atmosphere instantly created vibes of happiness and positivity that spread throughout this dull and dimly lit hospital room. Having the sun radiate through the window, that are decorated by the most decadent creations of window paintings and mandalas (obviously made by me, haha) that automatically made it a good start to the day for me, as I am one of the lucky ones to be next to a window! 

Regardless of the window, the day didn't falter. In fact, there were so many positive steps today that right now, I actually feel so calm and at ease -  even after all the food i've had to consume; that my body's been rejecting by giving me stomach cramps, headaches and feelings of sickness etc., but i've pushed through it. 

For three days now, i've been having 3 whole meals plus an additional amount via the nose tube, Today I had to eat the biggest portion of, excuse my language, fucking mac and cheese it's ridiculous; but I managed, and that's what counts.

And you know what? Right now, I couldn't give a shit about that, all the food I've eaten and everything related to that. I feel amazing and it's 9 pm. At this very moment, calories, food, anything regarding that matter, is no where near my mind. I think that for right now, I've conquered that little demon inside of me. We'll see how long that lasts. 

I can't be too optimistic as recovery isn't a happy-go-lucky positivity trail that one joins but it does come with ups and downs, just like a rollercoaster does at your favorite amusement park. Currently I seem to be on the highest high I've had so far, I just hope that it lasts.

We'll see what tomorrow brings, but I'm already prepared for a good day because my favorite caretakers and doctors are here :3 Plus my mom is coming.

WHAT UP.