I'm Back In Charge

Weigh-in days are never something I anticipate or look forward to in the slightest, like I would when meeting up with someone I haven't seen in a long time or Christmas Eve when you're about to open up your presents. All morning until 7.15 am, when I am weighed, I am anxious beyond belief - Was it enough? Did everything work out? Will the result be positive? These thoughts circulate in my mind consecutively until I know for sure and see the result, a definite answer. I do not need to wait for the doctors round later on in the day to figure out whether or not the weigh-in was a positive experience as I myself know whether I gained weight, stayed the same, or lost weight. 

This time, like always lately, everything was positive. Not only that, but I overshot the weight that the head doctor said I needed to reach in order to drink my supplement drinks on my own again without supervision. Finally; I couldn't have been more relieved this morning upon seeing that number. Knowing that now, after two weeks - or longer, even - I am in charge of my supplement drinks again, not the helpers. It was that sense of relief one has upon having a graded paper returned and seeing that it has been completed with excellence - pure contentment. 

Now I am finally able to be in charge again, not only of my meals but of my supplement drinks as well. For the past weeks I had to consume my supplement drinks just after finishing each meal - not only was it extremely uncomfortable for my stomach to drink them straight after my already substantial meals but having that many calories all in one go isn't the best for my mentality either - but that never stopped me. It was just harder than it had too. Now that I can decide when to have the supplement drinks, I can have them in between my meals as snacks so to say.

Everything's looking up.

Gradual Transition Back Into the Real World

It's frustrating to see people after people come and go at the station while you're the only one that remains. I've been here the longest out of everyone by far and it's still unclear of how much longer my stay here is. My longing to go back into the 'outside' world is so great, that hearing "oh we'll see about that next week" when asking about a possible date as to when I could leave is infuriating - I just want a clear answer. I hate this uncertainty. I just want someone to tell me, plain and simple, what my future at the station here entails, and for how much longer my stay is.

As the length of my stay is still out in the open, I have made arrangements with the doctor that is in charge of me to slowly ease back into natural patterns. This involves:

• Drinking the supplement drinks on my own again without supervision and then having to sit next to a nurse for half an hour while constantly being glared at, like a hawk does when hunting for prey, to ensure that I don't somehow get rid of the calories.
• Getting full night-leave from Saturday to Sunday and eating all meals outwards, except for breakfast on Saturday. I have never done this before but I talked with the doctor and we agreed that this would be the next step - to see if I can maintain, or hopefully even gain weight, when being given full control as to what I consume in two days.
• Eating more meals outwards during the week - mainly dinner. This will be done to lessen my anxiety that arises when I am faced with either having to create my dinner or order something off of a menu. It will be done to show me that eating out, or eating at home, is completely normal and does not involve panic or anxiety attacks.
• I will be given night-leaves during the week - maybe one or two per week - to slowly transition into being at home more frequently.

The meeting, as well as the results that we came up with together, are quite positive. Although I still don't know how much longer I am staying here, at least I know the next steps and that I am gaining even more freedom. I hope everything works out.

It Seems Like It's Never Enough

Today is friday, which for me means it was yet a further weigh-in day. Another day where I spent the night before eating copious amounts of food to ensure that everything runs smoothly; my anxiety is sky high up until I know the results of the scale and I just don't feel good overall because of all the stress that my weight has on my therapy and 'privileges' here.

The good news is that I gained a sufficient amount of weight from wednesday to today - yay I guess; I keep telling myself that I need to gain weight, that it's good for me, because statistically, according to the BMI chart and all, I am still severly underweight even though I can't always rationalize this as I have already gained so much weight. Yet although I gained quite a lot over the last two days, my privileges were cut short. 

Why? I don't understand. I mean, it always depends on the doctor who partakes in the daily visit when we have them and what their particular standpoint is of the current situation. Today, for instance, I was informed that I would no longer be able to drink my supplement drinks on my own - I would need to take them in supervision again and then sit next to the caretakers for half an hour once the drink has been consumed. Additionally I do not have full night-leave from saturday to sunday like I did last weekend even though I weighed less then. Yes I have night-leave but I need to be in for lunch on both days. Now I don't mind having lunch at the station here, I just can't follow the thought process of the doctors as to why I don't even have the option of a full night-leave from saturday morning to sunday evening like last weekend - same for taking the supplement drinks. Up until today, for the past two weeks, I was able to drink them without supervision. 

Although I weigh more now than I have since the summer, these two 'priveleges' were taken away from me today. Someone please explain this to me as I am finding it incredibly difficult to accept.