It Seems Like It's Never Enough

Today is friday, which for me means it was yet a further weigh-in day. Another day where I spent the night before eating copious amounts of food to ensure that everything runs smoothly; my anxiety is sky high up until I know the results of the scale and I just don't feel good overall because of all the stress that my weight has on my therapy and 'privileges' here.

The good news is that I gained a sufficient amount of weight from wednesday to today - yay I guess; I keep telling myself that I need to gain weight, that it's good for me, because statistically, according to the BMI chart and all, I am still severly underweight even though I can't always rationalize this as I have already gained so much weight. Yet although I gained quite a lot over the last two days, my privileges were cut short. 

Why? I don't understand. I mean, it always depends on the doctor who partakes in the daily visit when we have them and what their particular standpoint is of the current situation. Today, for instance, I was informed that I would no longer be able to drink my supplement drinks on my own - I would need to take them in supervision again and then sit next to the caretakers for half an hour once the drink has been consumed. Additionally I do not have full night-leave from saturday to sunday like I did last weekend even though I weighed less then. Yes I have night-leave but I need to be in for lunch on both days. Now I don't mind having lunch at the station here, I just can't follow the thought process of the doctors as to why I don't even have the option of a full night-leave from saturday morning to sunday evening like last weekend - same for taking the supplement drinks. Up until today, for the past two weeks, I was able to drink them without supervision. 

Although I weigh more now than I have since the summer, these two 'priveleges' were taken away from me today. Someone please explain this to me as I am finding it incredibly difficult to accept.

A Quote I Need to Remember

"Perhaps most of all you deserve to be okay. You deserve to know that a day in which you can just barely get out of bed because you are sad, or sick, or simply not ready to see the outside is not the end of the world. You deserve to know that moments of weakness do not make you fundamentally weak, only fundamentally human, and that sometimes we're not going to be effusively happy, and that is okay" - Chelsea Fagan