I'm Back In Charge

Weigh-in days are never something I anticipate or look forward to in the slightest, like I would when meeting up with someone I haven't seen in a long time or Christmas Eve when you're about to open up your presents. All morning until 7.15 am, when I am weighed, I am anxious beyond belief - Was it enough? Did everything work out? Will the result be positive? These thoughts circulate in my mind consecutively until I know for sure and see the result, a definite answer. I do not need to wait for the doctors round later on in the day to figure out whether or not the weigh-in was a positive experience as I myself know whether I gained weight, stayed the same, or lost weight. 

This time, like always lately, everything was positive. Not only that, but I overshot the weight that the head doctor said I needed to reach in order to drink my supplement drinks on my own again without supervision. Finally; I couldn't have been more relieved this morning upon seeing that number. Knowing that now, after two weeks - or longer, even - I am in charge of my supplement drinks again, not the helpers. It was that sense of relief one has upon having a graded paper returned and seeing that it has been completed with excellence - pure contentment. 

Now I am finally able to be in charge again, not only of my meals but of my supplement drinks as well. For the past weeks I had to consume my supplement drinks just after finishing each meal - not only was it extremely uncomfortable for my stomach to drink them straight after my already substantial meals but having that many calories all in one go isn't the best for my mentality either - but that never stopped me. It was just harder than it had too. Now that I can decide when to have the supplement drinks, I can have them in between my meals as snacks so to say.

Everything's looking up.

Reducing my Medication

It is never good to be completely encapsulated with drugs of whatever sort - whether they be antidepressants, tranquilizers, neurolepticas, mood stabilizers, hypnotics, nootropics or anti-dementia drugs. There are endless possibilities to the type of drugs that would suit you and your current situation. Doctor's assign us drugs to make us feel better and sometimes those medications can add up and all of a sudden, you are faced with multiple drugs in the morning, at lunch, in the evening and at night. Drugs are a superb development as they really do help one.

What I'm trying to say is that initially, drugs that you are specifically prescribed for by the doctors are essential and necessary. They enable us to feel more at ease and help stabilize our mood, thoughts, and emotions. Yet sooner or later, I feel that it is important to not be dependent on drugs anymore in order to feel 'okay' and 'normal'. It should be one's goal to ultimately not need these drugs anymore to be content and in the right place mentally.

For me, I started out with a vast array of medications - ranging from antidepressants to mood stabilizers to neurolepticas. And I can't forget my Vitamin D and Calcium tablets that I receive three times daily as my body is still lacking those nutrients. Now I do not count those as medications per say, since they are something you can buy at your local drugstore and a presecription isn't necessary.

Since today, I only receive one drug - and that is to help me fall asleep. It has already been reduced to the minimal dosis which I am thankful for. It was decided at yesterday's doctors round that I would be discharged of my antidepressant, that, as a side effect, also acts as a mood stabilizer, starting tomorrow. I received this drug to help with my anxiety and to keep my thoughts in check. But lately I haven't been apprehensive nor have I had any negative thoughts - which is what I told the doctors yesterday. Upon hearing this news, the head doctor agreed with my wish to discharge my last remaining antidepressant and see how it affects me.

Well, I survived the day - no anxiety attacks and no negative thoughts about myself or thoughts about food. I'm quite proud.

Christmas Cookies

Christmas Cookies have, for as long as I can remember, been a staple item when it comes to the holiday season. From the joy that comes from baking these wondrous, small little biscuits to decorating them in festive colors to devouring that delicious piece of pastry heaven to giving your own creations to someone dear to your heart - everything that springs to mind when hearing the phrase christmas cookie is positive and merry.

For most people, christmas cookies are something they look forward to enjoying. Well, not me. Instead of symbolizing something so grand, every single christmas cookie that I come in contact with terrifies me, exemplifying my eating disorder related thoughts.

Sugar, Butter, Flour, Chocolate - whatever the ingredient, you name it - scares me. They are all fear foods of mine. I know that it's irrational and scientifically incorrect, but I believe that just one bite from a cookie - the teensiest of nibbles - will lead to instant weight gain and make me fat. That's impossible, I know. But my disorder is still too strong and so those thoughts don't go away as they remain to haunt and torture me.

Because christmas cookies are, like many other things, a fear food to me, I find the holiday season more difficult to deal with as you are constantly bombarded with cookies and the likes.

Want to hear the good news? On Christmas Eve, I received a gift from my favorite caretakes down at the intensive station - we were able to uphold the relationship that we had formed. I was given a friendship bracelet (I had made him one previously) and self-made christmas cookies. Self-made christmas cookies. Did I freak out upon this present? Yes, but it did not hinder my actions, my thoughts or my doings. 

I look up to this person so much, and to receive the christmas cookies shown above in the picture turned my world upside down. These cookies look good, smell good, are self-made and a present. There's nothing negative about them. No matter how difficult it will be for me, I decided that I will finish off these cookies; all of them - one by one. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy them as well.

Not What I Expected

Excuse the lack of posts lately, I just haven't been feeling too great. Especially after yesterday's doctors visit. I was told that I can't go home for a few days over the holidays; I need to stay here, at the hospital. I thought that I would at least be able to leave for a few days. I'm sick of constantly being in the hospital and living in these surroundings - it's been bugging me a lot because let's face it, I've been stationed here since the end of August - that's almost four months. I simply wanted to spend just a few days at home with my whole family.

I keep telling myself that the doctor's are conscious of their decision and know what is best for me and my recovery. Maybe I'm not ready yet, who knows? Maybe they don't want my progress to be hindered in any way and are trying to protect me from my inner demons like this. What I am allowed to have is several night outings not only from Saturday to Sunday but during the week as well. The therapy will be limited as well, as it is the holiday season soon so most days I would also be able to spend the entire day outside and solely come back here to the station to sleep.

It's not ideal but it'll have to do. I have to start wrapping my head around the idea; I can't keep denying that I will get a longer leave. 

Although it's pretty much all clear as to what I will be allowed to do during the holiday season, I am asking tomorrow at the doctors round what exactly it entails for me. I want to know the specifics so that I can mentally prepare myself better for my stay.