Gradual Transition Back Into the Real World

It's frustrating to see people after people come and go at the station while you're the only one that remains. I've been here the longest out of everyone by far and it's still unclear of how much longer my stay here is. My longing to go back into the 'outside' world is so great, that hearing "oh we'll see about that next week" when asking about a possible date as to when I could leave is infuriating - I just want a clear answer. I hate this uncertainty. I just want someone to tell me, plain and simple, what my future at the station here entails, and for how much longer my stay is.

As the length of my stay is still out in the open, I have made arrangements with the doctor that is in charge of me to slowly ease back into natural patterns. This involves:

• Drinking the supplement drinks on my own again without supervision and then having to sit next to a nurse for half an hour while constantly being glared at, like a hawk does when hunting for prey, to ensure that I don't somehow get rid of the calories.
• Getting full night-leave from Saturday to Sunday and eating all meals outwards, except for breakfast on Saturday. I have never done this before but I talked with the doctor and we agreed that this would be the next step - to see if I can maintain, or hopefully even gain weight, when being given full control as to what I consume in two days.
• Eating more meals outwards during the week - mainly dinner. This will be done to lessen my anxiety that arises when I am faced with either having to create my dinner or order something off of a menu. It will be done to show me that eating out, or eating at home, is completely normal and does not involve panic or anxiety attacks.
• I will be given night-leaves during the week - maybe one or two per week - to slowly transition into being at home more frequently.

The meeting, as well as the results that we came up with together, are quite positive. Although I still don't know how much longer I am staying here, at least I know the next steps and that I am gaining even more freedom. I hope everything works out.

Scared of Tomorrow

I don't want tomorrow to come; I'm deathly afraid of tomorrow morning - of the weigh-in. I contracted diarrhea today and am scared that it will have influenced my weight significantly. I told the helpers today about my dilemma and they gave me some medicine, yet I am still unsure of what tomorrow will bring. I am restless right now. I don't want a number to control how my day will turn out, but I'm really hoping for the better. Whenever my weight plummets, the doctor's said that I will have a station lockdown, like previously.

It's amazing how one little thing can affect you; how much influence it has over you. For me, right now, it's a big dilemma having diarrhea because it means that my body isn't keeping any of the valuable nutrients that it needs to rebuild itself. It's anything but good.

Hopefully the medicine will work it's magic.

I'm going to sleep feeling uneasy and agitated; I hope that tomorrow I can look at the situation from a new perspective.

Just Because I Felt Like It

Eating is what I fear most. The fact that I am now capable of eating three full meals on top of the three supplement drinks that I consume without hesitation is beyond my wildest imagination. Back in August this would have been impossible. But now, I have accepted that my body needs all the nutrients it can get to rebuild itself and I keep telling myself that food is fuel - that's what keeps me going.

Although I am now used to eating in this structured and orderly way, and without hesitation may I add, it is still incredibly difficult for me to eat anything else in addition. Whenever someone here offers me something, no matter how good it looks or smells like, I always decline. It is still an irrational fear of mine that I will gain x kilograms because of that one bite or one small nibble of something if it isn't already in my given meal plan.

Today was different in that aspect though, and I am glad that it's finally happened. One of the other patients came back from an outing with a bunch of honey roasted peanuts. I loved them before my eating disorder developed and have been successfully avoiding anything with peanuts ever since; until today. The patient asked everyone if they wanted some, and I, without even taking another second to process my behavior, I grabbed a handful and ate them; all of them. And that's that.

I ate them because I felt like it; just because. They tasted as good as I remember and I don't regret eating them one bit. I hope times like this start to happen more often - where I am able to let go and where my eating disorder has no say in guilt-tripping me, making me feel fat, unwanted, etc.