"Monday Funday"

Normally people dread Mondays as it's the day after the perfect weekend of relaxing and not thinking about one's responsibilities and work. Like Garfield, who hates Mondays with a passion, I generally do too as I always long for the weekend to be drawn-out because it feels so nice to be at home with my mom.

But today was different, today was a good Monday. Everything worked out and was positive even though my mom left to Germany this morning. 

The day started off with amazing news - I gained weight again over the weekend! Which means that all my hard work is paying off. It also showed me that I am capable of gaining weight by myself as well as I spend the majority of my weekend outside of the hospital.

The positivite atmosphere continued all the way through ergotherapy, where I started my next acryllic piece - this time it's for the living room in our new apartment. Ergotherapy is definitely my favorite therapy session as it allows me to be creative and during the therapy, I forget about everything else - not worrying about my body, calories, and food - solely focusing on the task at hand. I eagerly await ergotherapy like a little child waiting for Santa every morning.

In the afternoon, with the help of my grandfather, I managed to accomplish every task that I set out to do - buying my little cousin's birthday present, going to the phone shop as an update didn't install itself, photocopying an article about anancastic personalities that my doctor gave me to read, as well as a quick layover at home to pick up my laundry. It was very productive to say the least, but I didn't stress myself, which is something that I've been working on as I have always been easily stressed and overwhelmed by certain situations.

Although my mom departed once again this morning, this time to fly to Germany, I managed to occupy myself again tonight as I did not have anyone visiting me, which is rarely the case. I went to starbucks by myself as it is more comfortable to read my book there, in a nice, comfy chair rather than the hard, wooden stools that we have here at the station where I need a cushion to sit because otherwise it hurts.

And now it's time for me to say goodnight, after this oh-so-productive and affirmative day, even though it was a Monday, the day I usually dread the most.

The Art of Doing Nothing

Since coming to the hospital, I have worked a lot on myself - all for the better. In the past few weeks so much has happened both physically and mentally that I could fill several novels with every minor victory and positive aspect of my recovery. 

Tonight I want to highlight and focus on the art of doing nothing; the art of taking a break and how difficult that actually is - for me at least. Ever since coming to the hospital, I have been successfully busying myself every second of every day, mainly creatively, because of all the negative thoughts I have had in regards to my eating disorder as well as all the anxiety that builds up within me everyday. By keeping myself occupied, those thoughts, that stress, that anxiety - all of that - diminishes and slowly fades away into non-existence again; just like a negative dream comes to an end and all of a sudden, everything is peaceful once more.

Yet it isn't normal for someone to be constantly working; to be persistently constructing something through creativity; to be perpetually busy. Everyone takes breaks where they have time to collect themselves, to gather their thoughts and just relax. This is something that  I struggle with immensely as it gives my thoughts free flow and I am never sure what to expect.

For the past few days, my ergotherapist has given me homework - to simply do nothing and 'hang loose', as you can say. Throughout the week, I managed a few short breaks with success, but never for a longer period of time. Tonight was different - with no visitors after 5 pm, I had plenty of time to unwind and gather myself and my thoughts; I was able to relax. 

To my surprise, my thoughts did not turn negative in any way and I was really able to let go and simply do nothing.

Station Lockdown

I'd be lying to myself if I were to say that today was a good day. On the contrary, it was anything but. It might have started out great - I had an excellent night of sleep, ate my favorite breakfast and finished my acryllic piece in ergotherapy - but there's an end to my exuberance, and that came with the doctor's round.

I lost a teensy amount of weight from Monday until today, something that seems insignificant to me as it is such a small number, that I received the worst news to date. For today, I was on house lockdown you can say, as I am not allowed to leave the station at all for whatever reason. That did not play well with me at all. I had plans for today, for tomorrow; and all those got shattered because of that stupid little number. Hearing the news for me was horrendous; I felt like a little child does when it finds out that Santa Claus doesn't exist - completely shattered and full of anger at the world.

That miniscule amount of weight that I had lost can be influenced by so many things - my bowel movement, the cold I had gotten and the extra calories the body now requires to heal that aspect, etc. In any case, it is something that I have no control over and just need to accept. Rationally, I know that the doctor's are only looking out for me; trying to do what's best for my recovery and general wellbeing. It's just hard to embrace the news as it is such a drastic constraint in regards to what I had planned for the following days.

Thankfully my mom was here tonight to cheer me up and reassure me that this is just another minor speed bump on my journey through recovery and won't be significant in the long run. Simply having her here beside me instantly brightens my mood and her advice and knowledge is something I cherish and really take to heart.

I genuinely hope that tomorrow is a day where I feel more stable and am in a healthier state mentally.

Benefits of Ergotherapy

Ergotherapy is the treatment of disease, in my case anorexia nervosa, by physical work and recreation. It is therapeutic physical training in a sense that you do something creative. The aim of ergotherapy is to help people design their everyday life and to increase the quality of their life by finding coping mechanisms and ways to deal with one's struggles and problems.

Here in the hospital, I have ergotherapy for 1.5 hours every Monday through Thursday. The amount of options one has to be creative is unimaginable; that's how much there is. There is always something new to try and something to lay one's hands on. There is weaving, knitting, felting, drawing, painting, clay work, creating braided baskets and silk scarves, book binding, etc. Like I said, the choices are endless.

I have already created silk scarves, two woven pieces, a clay bowl for the new kitchen, and this acryllic trial piece below - that I finished today. I am looking forward to tomorrow's session as I started on my acryllic canvas piece and am continuing with it tomorrow.

My acryllic paint trial

Right now, ergotherapy is my favorite therapy session as it allows me to be creative and is a good outlet for me in regards to my thoughts and negative rituals or behaviors that still surface from time to time. Whenever I am down, I focus on the task at hand and start to enjoy myself and what I am doing; completely putting me off my negative thoughts. That's why I am in love with ergotherapy. That and the fact that it allows me to be even more creative.