Tuesday, September 25, 2012
2 days, half a body.
A New Beginning - September 18, 2012
Slowly forcing myself to walk closer and closer to the scale upon the admission to the Allgemeines Krankenhaus; to finally managing to stand on one in an upright position felt like a success to me, as scales are not a friend of mine; all they do is torture me. I was too afraid of the number I’d have to see and deal with, but knew I had to endure. I was being forced into the path of recovery one more time. The first exchange I had with a doctor there told me that I only had 2 more days to live, if even. Two days, think of all the wonderful opportunities you would miss out on if your time was as limited as this. Hearing that, while seeing that number on the lamella that has haunted and tortured my life for this past year, it was then that I realized this needed to change. 36 kilograms is all I cam think. Thirty-six, just that number. I was numb. I couldn’t even fathom that that was now just half of what I weighed almost a year ago, a healthy 74 kilograms for a seventeen year old girl. We all know that there is no such thing as half a person. It is ridiculous what I made my body suffer and have to endure in this one year that ruined not only my life, but all those around me as well. I literally lost half of myself. But the worst part is, I hadn’t noticed although it was undeniable that I had.
Somehow, having heard those two numbers Two and Thirty-Six, miraculously brought me back. Me, the real Hannah.
I still have a long way to go to be fully recovered, because I have to face my biggest fear of eating several times a day.