Relief

Although the approach I tried to take towards the ultimatum that I was presented with this time as opposed to last was a lot better, it did still cause me a lot of stress. The approach was healthier, yes. But I still struggled in finding a balance between enough food and too much.

Regardless; everything worked out! I gained enough weight so I am able to spend the night at home. I am able to enjoy myself tonight. Tonight will be celebrated. Tomorrow I will write a long post about how last year was for me and the goals that I have for next - you'll all have to wait and see.

I wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR! May all your wishes and goals come true. For myself, I only have one goal for the upcoming year: to gain my life back one step at a time and to ultimately be happy, because if I can achieve that, it means that everything else will have fallen into place.

A Quote I Need to Remember

"Perhaps most of all you deserve to be okay. You deserve to know that a day in which you can just barely get out of bed because you are sad, or sick, or simply not ready to see the outside is not the end of the world. You deserve to know that moments of weakness do not make you fundamentally weak, only fundamentally human, and that sometimes we're not going to be effusively happy, and that is okay" - Chelsea Fagan 

Another Ultimatum, Really?

Just like for the night from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day, the doctor's have given me yet another Ultimatum for New Year's Eve.

Why? I don't understand why they do this to me. I told them how stressful it was by being given an ultimatum like that; telling me that if I don't gain x grams, I can't stay at home and spend time with the ones I love. Last time I simply stuffed everything I saw into myself to ensure that I would reach their criteria. But the stomach pains that came from eating so much; the mental battle that I faced; the disordered behaviors that surfaced - all of that, the doctor's don't care about those aspects of one's recovery it seems. All they care about is the weight gain. But to me, that's not all. An eating disorder is so much more than just the weight gain as it has a lot to do with one's mentality as well.

I told the doctor's how hard last weekend was because of the ultimatum and how much pressure I put myself under just to make certain that I could go home for Christmas. Although I informed them of the situation and how difficult it was mentally - and physically, as I had severe cramps from all the food - the doctor's did not take any of my comments into consideration. Why? I don't understand.

This time, I am approaching the whole matter differently. I will not have a repeat of last weekend; that was not normal. I will simply eat my three main meals and consume my three supplement drinks as that is hard enough as it is. It should be enough, it has to. If it isn't, then I don't know what I should do as I can't force this weight gain onto me. Weight gain is something that takes time - it doesn't happen over night. It also isn't recommended to rapidly gain weight.

If I can't get night-leave for New Year's Eve I don't know what I'll do yet. But I will make a scene at the station in front of the doctor's as it isn't fair that others get to go home and I can't. All others from the station already know whether they are allowed to stay the night at home; everyone except for me. 

I'm giving it my all, and that should count too.

Christmas Cookies

Christmas Cookies have, for as long as I can remember, been a staple item when it comes to the holiday season. From the joy that comes from baking these wondrous, small little biscuits to decorating them in festive colors to devouring that delicious piece of pastry heaven to giving your own creations to someone dear to your heart - everything that springs to mind when hearing the phrase christmas cookie is positive and merry.

For most people, christmas cookies are something they look forward to enjoying. Well, not me. Instead of symbolizing something so grand, every single christmas cookie that I come in contact with terrifies me, exemplifying my eating disorder related thoughts.

Sugar, Butter, Flour, Chocolate - whatever the ingredient, you name it - scares me. They are all fear foods of mine. I know that it's irrational and scientifically incorrect, but I believe that just one bite from a cookie - the teensiest of nibbles - will lead to instant weight gain and make me fat. That's impossible, I know. But my disorder is still too strong and so those thoughts don't go away as they remain to haunt and torture me.

Because christmas cookies are, like many other things, a fear food to me, I find the holiday season more difficult to deal with as you are constantly bombarded with cookies and the likes.

Want to hear the good news? On Christmas Eve, I received a gift from my favorite caretakes down at the intensive station - we were able to uphold the relationship that we had formed. I was given a friendship bracelet (I had made him one previously) and self-made christmas cookies. Self-made christmas cookies. Did I freak out upon this present? Yes, but it did not hinder my actions, my thoughts or my doings. 

I look up to this person so much, and to receive the christmas cookies shown above in the picture turned my world upside down. These cookies look good, smell good, are self-made and a present. There's nothing negative about them. No matter how difficult it will be for me, I decided that I will finish off these cookies; all of them - one by one. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy them as well.

Happy Holidays

I was overcome with emotion - joy, relief, you name it - when I was informed that I would be allowed to spend Christmas Eve at home with the ones that mean the most to me. I had gained enough weight over the weekend and so the doctor's had to comply with their agreement.

To me, Christmas symbolizes a coming together of loved ones where you simply enjoy each other's company in various forms. Additionally, eating, and treating yourself to just that one little Christmas cookie that sits there at the kitchen counter, enticing you - signaling to devour it. During the festivities yesterday and today I really tried to let go of my eating rituals and to not think about what exactly I am consuming every minute of every day. It was incredibly challenging for me to follow my given meal plan though, especially because I had gained so much weight over the weekend - due to the copious amounts of food that were consumed in anticipation of the weigh-in that decided my fate for the night-leave over Christmas Eve. Yet I managed it all. I just thought to myself, screw those thoughts; it's Christmas, so go and enjoy yourself. You deserve it. 

And you know what? That's what I did. I enjoyed my Christmas immensely. 

I love them to death. I don't know where I'd be without them. Being able to spend Christmas Eve with them was the best present I could have asked for.

I love them to death. I don't know where I'd be without them. Being able to spend Christmas Eve with them was the best present I could have asked for.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas from the bottom of my heart. 

Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is my life back. I want to be able to love my body and myself. I want to be able to enjoy food and eat what I want when I want it. I want to forget about the scales, the numbers, the calories. Please Santa, I wish for this one thing more than anything else. Grant me this wish and I would be the happiest girl alive.

Eating out of Pure Frustration

Before I begin to compile my thoughts and vent about my boring old life, may I just say Happy Fourth of Advent everyone! It's amazing how fast time flies this time of year - it just goes to show just how much there is to do before the Big Day tomorrow. I can't believe it'll be Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve; December 24th - that's tomorrow. This is a day that you spend with loved ones. It is a day filled with joy, exuberance and festivities.

For me, it all depends on tomorrow's weigh-in. The head doctor decided on Friday, similar to an ultimatum, that if I don't gain x grams over the weekend, I will not be able to spend the night that is supposed to be so breathtaking - that I've been anticipating all year long - at home. How unfair is that? Possibly keeping me from my family on Christmas Eve. I hate how everything is so dependent on my weight and whether or not I gain y grams every time there is a weigh-in. Weight fluctuates, doctor's should know that too. Sometimes I really do not understand their reasoning.

Therefore I have been doing everything in my power to ensure that tomorrow's weigh-in goes by smoothly. Not only have I eaten my three main meals completely and consumed my three supplement drinks both yesterday and today, I ate extra - out of pure frustration at the world. I don't think I've ingested this much food in I don't know how long. I struggled with my thoughts this weekend - with my disordered behaviors - and feelings of uselessness and simply being 'fat' were not uncommon during this period. I think that it had to do with the guilt that came with eating all this extra food.

I did this all for tomorrow. If they don't let me stay at home on Christmas Eve, I don't know what I'll do - they can't keep me here. 

I really gave it my all; that's all I can do. I hope for the best