Happy Holidays

I was overcome with emotion - joy, relief, you name it - when I was informed that I would be allowed to spend Christmas Eve at home with the ones that mean the most to me. I had gained enough weight over the weekend and so the doctor's had to comply with their agreement.

To me, Christmas symbolizes a coming together of loved ones where you simply enjoy each other's company in various forms. Additionally, eating, and treating yourself to just that one little Christmas cookie that sits there at the kitchen counter, enticing you - signaling to devour it. During the festivities yesterday and today I really tried to let go of my eating rituals and to not think about what exactly I am consuming every minute of every day. It was incredibly challenging for me to follow my given meal plan though, especially because I had gained so much weight over the weekend - due to the copious amounts of food that were consumed in anticipation of the weigh-in that decided my fate for the night-leave over Christmas Eve. Yet I managed it all. I just thought to myself, screw those thoughts; it's Christmas, so go and enjoy yourself. You deserve it. 

And you know what? That's what I did. I enjoyed my Christmas immensely. 

I love them to death. I don't know where I'd be without them. Being able to spend Christmas Eve with them was the best present I could have asked for.

I love them to death. I don't know where I'd be without them. Being able to spend Christmas Eve with them was the best present I could have asked for.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas from the bottom of my heart. 

Eating out of Pure Frustration

Before I begin to compile my thoughts and vent about my boring old life, may I just say Happy Fourth of Advent everyone! It's amazing how fast time flies this time of year - it just goes to show just how much there is to do before the Big Day tomorrow. I can't believe it'll be Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve; December 24th - that's tomorrow. This is a day that you spend with loved ones. It is a day filled with joy, exuberance and festivities.

For me, it all depends on tomorrow's weigh-in. The head doctor decided on Friday, similar to an ultimatum, that if I don't gain x grams over the weekend, I will not be able to spend the night that is supposed to be so breathtaking - that I've been anticipating all year long - at home. How unfair is that? Possibly keeping me from my family on Christmas Eve. I hate how everything is so dependent on my weight and whether or not I gain y grams every time there is a weigh-in. Weight fluctuates, doctor's should know that too. Sometimes I really do not understand their reasoning.

Therefore I have been doing everything in my power to ensure that tomorrow's weigh-in goes by smoothly. Not only have I eaten my three main meals completely and consumed my three supplement drinks both yesterday and today, I ate extra - out of pure frustration at the world. I don't think I've ingested this much food in I don't know how long. I struggled with my thoughts this weekend - with my disordered behaviors - and feelings of uselessness and simply being 'fat' were not uncommon during this period. I think that it had to do with the guilt that came with eating all this extra food.

I did this all for tomorrow. If they don't let me stay at home on Christmas Eve, I don't know what I'll do - they can't keep me here. 

I really gave it my all; that's all I can do. I hope for the best

It's All Too Much At Times

Sometimes I can't handle it all -

The weight gain, the thoughts, the remarks from others here, all the appointments, the therapy sessions, the doctor's visits. 

Sometimes I just need a break and I was really, genuinely hoping, praying even, that I would be able to spend just a few days over the holiday season that's just around the corner at home with my loved ones. Yet I also know that the doctor's obviously know what they are doing and that I need the time here. I hate these conflicing concepts, but I'll have to get used to it sooner or later as it is impossible for me to influence the opinion of the doctor's. 

In a way, the hospital is my safe place - my haven that I can return to in tough times or when I feel that I am incapable of eating proper meals outside as I get too anxious, the thoughts are too loud, or whatever the reason is. That's all the positives that I can think of right now; but hey, at least I'm slowly starting to get my head around the situation of having to be in the hospital over Christmas.

Today was Simply Amazing

My whole family is reunited, at last. Best early Christmas present that anyone could ask for. It just wrapped up my incredible weekend at home so nicely. Everything was perfect.

Family photo in front of the Coca Cola Christmas Truck

I love my family. I'm so glad that we're all together for the holidays, even if I'm stuck in the hospital per se. It can only go uphill.