Relief

Although the approach I tried to take towards the ultimatum that I was presented with this time as opposed to last was a lot better, it did still cause me a lot of stress. The approach was healthier, yes. But I still struggled in finding a balance between enough food and too much.

Regardless; everything worked out! I gained enough weight so I am able to spend the night at home. I am able to enjoy myself tonight. Tonight will be celebrated. Tomorrow I will write a long post about how last year was for me and the goals that I have for next - you'll all have to wait and see.

I wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR! May all your wishes and goals come true. For myself, I only have one goal for the upcoming year: to gain my life back one step at a time and to ultimately be happy, because if I can achieve that, it means that everything else will have fallen into place.

Eating out of Pure Frustration

Before I begin to compile my thoughts and vent about my boring old life, may I just say Happy Fourth of Advent everyone! It's amazing how fast time flies this time of year - it just goes to show just how much there is to do before the Big Day tomorrow. I can't believe it'll be Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve; December 24th - that's tomorrow. This is a day that you spend with loved ones. It is a day filled with joy, exuberance and festivities.

For me, it all depends on tomorrow's weigh-in. The head doctor decided on Friday, similar to an ultimatum, that if I don't gain x grams over the weekend, I will not be able to spend the night that is supposed to be so breathtaking - that I've been anticipating all year long - at home. How unfair is that? Possibly keeping me from my family on Christmas Eve. I hate how everything is so dependent on my weight and whether or not I gain y grams every time there is a weigh-in. Weight fluctuates, doctor's should know that too. Sometimes I really do not understand their reasoning.

Therefore I have been doing everything in my power to ensure that tomorrow's weigh-in goes by smoothly. Not only have I eaten my three main meals completely and consumed my three supplement drinks both yesterday and today, I ate extra - out of pure frustration at the world. I don't think I've ingested this much food in I don't know how long. I struggled with my thoughts this weekend - with my disordered behaviors - and feelings of uselessness and simply being 'fat' were not uncommon during this period. I think that it had to do with the guilt that came with eating all this extra food.

I did this all for tomorrow. If they don't let me stay at home on Christmas Eve, I don't know what I'll do - they can't keep me here. 

I really gave it my all; that's all I can do. I hope for the best