Cabin Fever

Everything was too much today, resulting in me having a good three hour sob and cry of despair session spread out throughout the day, from dusk until dawn. I could've set back and focused on the positives of the day, but I didn't.

• I gained weight from Wednesday - that's good, right?
• Today is the longest night which means that from now on, the days will get longer again.
• So far, the world still hasn't ended.
• I am allowed to go on night leave over the weekend.
• I was able to spend time with my brother.

The list of positives can go on but it wouldn't change me dwelling on having cabin fever.

Because it is the holiday season, many therapy sessions no longer take place; they only start up again the second week of January. This is everything but convenient. For me, these sessions, regardless of what type of therapy was emphasized during the period, were an escape - something that I was able to focus on during the morning and early afternoon until we are allowed to leave the station at 3 pm every day. From today, I can no longer rely on therapy to get me through the day until 3 pm - now I need to find other coping mechanisms and things to do. The problem is that I'm out of ideas as to what I can accomplish.

Being in the hospital since September, I have been quite successful at keeping myself occupied by folding origami, creating friendship bracelets and window colors, blogging and journaling, reading etc. Yet there comes a point when even hobbies become redundant and you are looking for change. Don't get me wrong, I greatly enjoy all the previously mentioned activities, but I need variety.

Through my countless temper tantrums as a result of this 'boredom' - you can call it that - I was able to come up with new interests with the help of my parents. It felt good to get everything off of my chest regarding this cabin fever and the impression that the whole world is collapsing. Together we came up with knitting - perfect for these cold, chilly winter months - learning to play the guitar, and continuing to paint with acrylic colors outside of ergotherapy.

I'm pleased with our ideas, yet am always open to new suggestions. Thoughts anyone?

It's All Too Much At Times

Sometimes I can't handle it all -

The weight gain, the thoughts, the remarks from others here, all the appointments, the therapy sessions, the doctor's visits. 

Sometimes I just need a break and I was really, genuinely hoping, praying even, that I would be able to spend just a few days over the holiday season that's just around the corner at home with my loved ones. Yet I also know that the doctor's obviously know what they are doing and that I need the time here. I hate these conflicing concepts, but I'll have to get used to it sooner or later as it is impossible for me to influence the opinion of the doctor's. 

In a way, the hospital is my safe place - my haven that I can return to in tough times or when I feel that I am incapable of eating proper meals outside as I get too anxious, the thoughts are too loud, or whatever the reason is. That's all the positives that I can think of right now; but hey, at least I'm slowly starting to get my head around the situation of having to be in the hospital over Christmas.

The Begin of My Therapy Sessions

As yesterday was a holiday, meaning that absolutely nothing happened yesterday in terms of therapy and the program, and the day before was the day I arrived at the station and settled in, I haven't had any proper therapy until today.

Today marks that day. And I didn't start out slow or with just one therapy unit. I had three today. Three - group therapy; individual therapy and the activity group. All three were very interesting and have left me anxious and wanting to see what else there is to offer here. I am now fully open and committed to trying my hardest at these therapy sessions.

I was the only new person in group therapy, but that didn't scare me to death like it usually does, I was okay with it. I felt at ease. The therapist who led the group was very welcoming, as were all the members, and I had no problem opening up all the way down to the core -  pouring my heart and soul out regarding my story. The other six members then went on and introduced themselves to me with a short account as to why they are here as well, seeing as it is only fair. Group therapy went by as quickly as it arrived, which is a good sign. I can't wait to discuss certain aspects in more depth with these people next week.

In regards to the individual therapy, today was the interview phase. Normally, psychologists in training, or those who are doing their internship, take over the individual therapy with the people at this station. But lucky for me, I received the actual therapist who also leads my group therapy. We had an instant connection and just as for group therapy, I am excited to see what awaits me.

Activity group is different than the other two as it is organized by the patients themselves. Here, we discuss what are plans are for the weekend and talk about whether they are good or bad, and what we could change to make things easier and less anxious for us. Everything is documented on a piece of paper for each individual that is then handed in to the doctors. And then, on sunday evening, there is a reflection group in which we reflect on what we actually went about doing and achieved. It was nice that there was a group that wasn't lead by a doctor or a therapist, but by us. We could move along at our own pace.

Overall, today was a good day filled with a lot of incredible first impressions of the therapy that is available here at the station.