The 100th Post!

Wow. Just wow. I don't even know what to say - having 99 published posts and with this being the 100th! I never thought that I would commit to writing this much, which just goes to show how important it has become for me. This blog is a place for me to journal and vent; a place where I can let all my innermost emotions emerge and feelings come out; it is a place where I can be myself one hundred percent - whether I'm having a good or a bad day; and lastly, it is a place for me to sort my thoughts and be able to rationalize them. 

It is one thing for me to have this blog as an outlet for myself, yet it is another to have so many amazing people read my blog time and time again. So I just want to say thank you to all of you following my journey through recovery from the very bottom of my heart.

A Constant Coming and Going

Chaos - patients, doctors, and nurses rushing in and out of doors, sprinting full force through the station with papers and certificates of discharge for those lucky enough to have departed today. It felt like Times Square does at its peak hour, where everyone is dashing home after a long and stressful day at work, with people switching from one errand to the next completely frantic and in a hurry - creating disorder.

As today marks the first day after the holiday season, it entails that all stations here at the psychiatric ward are now open again and everything will be 'normal' again. The patients that came to my station, 6B, over the break because their station was closed all went back to their original station. Not only did those patients leave, but many were discharged as well; including two close friends of mine. With all these occurences happening today, it's suffice to say that the doctor's had a lot on their hands this morning; the station was in constant motion and there was never a dull moment.

It's always sad to see people leave, especially when I have grown so close with them. It seems that everyone can go home at one point or another; everyone except for me. Excluding my time at down at the intensive station, I have been here at 6B for 9 weeks already, or more - I'm not entirely sure. Out of all the remaining patients here, I have been here the longest and am one of the only people who has no idea how much longer I have to stay. Whenever I ask the doctor's what my close future holds for me, and when I might be able to go home, they simply say, "oh we'll see next week." Hearing this week after week becomes quite frustrating as it isn't a clear answer. Yet there is nothing I can do.

I just need to keep doing my thing and hope that everything works out.

Station Makeover

With the start of the holiday season, which, for the hospital, means the closing of several of the stations here at the psychatric ward, and the end of the eight week cycle here at the 6B means that a severe change was bound to happen. And it did.

Plenty of friends departed yesterday as they were part of the cycle; the goodbyes that I had to deal with were hard - tears were streaming down my face like a waterfall for one person. The friendships that I formed with them are strong and will continue to be upheld, I will make sure of it. Numbers were exchanged, final words of encouragement were spoken and the tightest hugs were given out.

As 6B is one of the only open stations during the holidays, why I do not know, a long waiting list has already compiled with patients from other stations wanting one of the few remaining spots here. It feels weird to have so many new people all of a sudden. I liked our community before; the closeness that had built between us all. Now, with new faces, new stories - new everything really - that community no longer exists as it has to be built up again, from scratch.

I feel very uneasy and overwhelmed with the whole situation. I wish that our station could have stayed the way it was.

Gaining Independence

Although I notified the doctor's yesterday during their visit that I would not be going on night-leave, I had the option today as a letter was prepared for me to allow me to go on leave as well as all my medication, including my caloric drink supplements.

I told the nurses this morning that I would not be going on night-leave, but they gave me all my meds and the supplement drinks anyway and said that I was fully responsible regarding my health both today and tomorrow.

It was up to me to turn up to the main meals, that I said I would eat here at the station as well as take my medication at the appropriate times while also making sure that I would take my three supplement drinks. Everything is up to me over the weekend although I am not going on night-leave.

Although I was gone in the afternoon with my mom and my best friend, visiting a 'Christkindlmarkt' to soak up some holiday spirit, I managed to drink my supplement drink in public; amongst other people. It's a huge fear of mine, being judged by others, and being able to simply consume my drink amongst a crowd was remarkable. It was so hard to overcome this irrational fear, and I was shaking throughout the process as I was so taken by the people around me. But I managed to drink everything, and that's what counts.

I'm so proud of myself today, of managing everything by myself. I enjoyed today so far. I'm learning how to become independent again - in small steps.

First Breaths of Fresh Air Since August

Although today is a Saturday, which means that there is no therapy sessions, no doctor's appointments - everything is still, dull and boring pretty much. Additionally, as is common at the station, patients are allowed to have weekend leave and stay at home from Saturday to Sunday. This meant that hardly anyone was here at all during the day.

But that didn't matter to me. Today was extraordinary; it couldn't have gone any better. With the doctor's yesterday, during their daily round, we decided that although it is still too early for me to have a weekend leave, I am allowed to leave the premises in accompaniment with someone else. And today marks that day. That very special day.

Today is the first time since the end of August that I inhaled fresh air. I was able to feel the cool, misty breeze brush gently across my face while I tried to stay hidden from the cold with my eskimo hat and fluffy scarf. What a relief it was to finally be outside again. It feels like a part of me that I haven't had since coming here has returned - now that I am able to go outside without fainting, freezing, or whatever other problem there might occur.

It was only fitting that today's outing would have to be extra special just because. So I went to go see the new James Bond movie Skyfall that aired three days ago here with one of my really close friends. To say it was fabulous and fantastic is an understatement. It was beyond anything I could imagine. It was sublime.

I loved every minute of today and will continue to do so tonight. Thankfully there is two other patients who decided not to take their night leave - even though they could've gone - and we are going to play board games soon. I'm excited for that as well.

Goodnight everyone, I hope you've all had a splendid day; just like me.

The Begin of My Therapy Sessions

As yesterday was a holiday, meaning that absolutely nothing happened yesterday in terms of therapy and the program, and the day before was the day I arrived at the station and settled in, I haven't had any proper therapy until today.

Today marks that day. And I didn't start out slow or with just one therapy unit. I had three today. Three - group therapy; individual therapy and the activity group. All three were very interesting and have left me anxious and wanting to see what else there is to offer here. I am now fully open and committed to trying my hardest at these therapy sessions.

I was the only new person in group therapy, but that didn't scare me to death like it usually does, I was okay with it. I felt at ease. The therapist who led the group was very welcoming, as were all the members, and I had no problem opening up all the way down to the core -  pouring my heart and soul out regarding my story. The other six members then went on and introduced themselves to me with a short account as to why they are here as well, seeing as it is only fair. Group therapy went by as quickly as it arrived, which is a good sign. I can't wait to discuss certain aspects in more depth with these people next week.

In regards to the individual therapy, today was the interview phase. Normally, psychologists in training, or those who are doing their internship, take over the individual therapy with the people at this station. But lucky for me, I received the actual therapist who also leads my group therapy. We had an instant connection and just as for group therapy, I am excited to see what awaits me.

Activity group is different than the other two as it is organized by the patients themselves. Here, we discuss what are plans are for the weekend and talk about whether they are good or bad, and what we could change to make things easier and less anxious for us. Everything is documented on a piece of paper for each individual that is then handed in to the doctors. And then, on sunday evening, there is a reflection group in which we reflect on what we actually went about doing and achieved. It was nice that there was a group that wasn't lead by a doctor or a therapist, but by us. We could move along at our own pace.

Overall, today was a good day filled with a lot of incredible first impressions of the therapy that is available here at the station. 

New Impressions

Being one of the newbies of any station is always scary, at least for me. It consistently causes me anxiety attacks because I am so terrified of what the others think of me: Will they like me? Will they think I'm funny? Will I fit in? Will I stand out because of my international background? Will they like me? 

These questions have been running around inside my head for the last day non-stop. No matter who I talk to, I'm shy and awkward - at least I think I am. I'm deathly afraid of being judged by them; by not living up to certain expectations. I think the reason I am so self-conscious is because I'm still not used to myself and that I can't accept others until I've fully accepted myself for all that I am.

Anyway, today was filled with meeting new people, some of which turn out to be pretty amazing individuals once I got talking. As people know, I'm only very shy, timid and withholding at the beginning when I don't know the person well.

I talked to almost everyone that was here at the station today, exchanging at least a phrase with them - I am so proud of myself for this because I would never approach strangers and say good morning or bon appetit! in the past. I even played a board game with three others: A, B and C. Along with D and E, they are my closest friends here right now - the people I hang out with. It feels good to know that you have others close by that are there for you. For example, one of them promised me that whenever I need something or someone to help cheer me up, that he's here to listen to my problems and play boardgames/do puzzles with me. 

It's people like this that make my stay here more enjoyable :)



** I'm keeping names anonymous for obvious reasons - their privacy; hence the letters.