Happy Holidays

I was overcome with emotion - joy, relief, you name it - when I was informed that I would be allowed to spend Christmas Eve at home with the ones that mean the most to me. I had gained enough weight over the weekend and so the doctor's had to comply with their agreement.

To me, Christmas symbolizes a coming together of loved ones where you simply enjoy each other's company in various forms. Additionally, eating, and treating yourself to just that one little Christmas cookie that sits there at the kitchen counter, enticing you - signaling to devour it. During the festivities yesterday and today I really tried to let go of my eating rituals and to not think about what exactly I am consuming every minute of every day. It was incredibly challenging for me to follow my given meal plan though, especially because I had gained so much weight over the weekend - due to the copious amounts of food that were consumed in anticipation of the weigh-in that decided my fate for the night-leave over Christmas Eve. Yet I managed it all. I just thought to myself, screw those thoughts; it's Christmas, so go and enjoy yourself. You deserve it. 

And you know what? That's what I did. I enjoyed my Christmas immensely. 

I love them to death. I don't know where I'd be without them. Being able to spend Christmas Eve with them was the best present I could have asked for.

I love them to death. I don't know where I'd be without them. Being able to spend Christmas Eve with them was the best present I could have asked for.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas from the bottom of my heart. 

Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is my life back. I want to be able to love my body and myself. I want to be able to enjoy food and eat what I want when I want it. I want to forget about the scales, the numbers, the calories. Please Santa, I wish for this one thing more than anything else. Grant me this wish and I would be the happiest girl alive.

Eating out of Pure Frustration

Before I begin to compile my thoughts and vent about my boring old life, may I just say Happy Fourth of Advent everyone! It's amazing how fast time flies this time of year - it just goes to show just how much there is to do before the Big Day tomorrow. I can't believe it'll be Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve; December 24th - that's tomorrow. This is a day that you spend with loved ones. It is a day filled with joy, exuberance and festivities.

For me, it all depends on tomorrow's weigh-in. The head doctor decided on Friday, similar to an ultimatum, that if I don't gain x grams over the weekend, I will not be able to spend the night that is supposed to be so breathtaking - that I've been anticipating all year long - at home. How unfair is that? Possibly keeping me from my family on Christmas Eve. I hate how everything is so dependent on my weight and whether or not I gain y grams every time there is a weigh-in. Weight fluctuates, doctor's should know that too. Sometimes I really do not understand their reasoning.

Therefore I have been doing everything in my power to ensure that tomorrow's weigh-in goes by smoothly. Not only have I eaten my three main meals completely and consumed my three supplement drinks both yesterday and today, I ate extra - out of pure frustration at the world. I don't think I've ingested this much food in I don't know how long. I struggled with my thoughts this weekend - with my disordered behaviors - and feelings of uselessness and simply being 'fat' were not uncommon during this period. I think that it had to do with the guilt that came with eating all this extra food.

I did this all for tomorrow. If they don't let me stay at home on Christmas Eve, I don't know what I'll do - they can't keep me here. 

I really gave it my all; that's all I can do. I hope for the best

Cabin Fever

Everything was too much today, resulting in me having a good three hour sob and cry of despair session spread out throughout the day, from dusk until dawn. I could've set back and focused on the positives of the day, but I didn't.

• I gained weight from Wednesday - that's good, right?
• Today is the longest night which means that from now on, the days will get longer again.
• So far, the world still hasn't ended.
• I am allowed to go on night leave over the weekend.
• I was able to spend time with my brother.

The list of positives can go on but it wouldn't change me dwelling on having cabin fever.

Because it is the holiday season, many therapy sessions no longer take place; they only start up again the second week of January. This is everything but convenient. For me, these sessions, regardless of what type of therapy was emphasized during the period, were an escape - something that I was able to focus on during the morning and early afternoon until we are allowed to leave the station at 3 pm every day. From today, I can no longer rely on therapy to get me through the day until 3 pm - now I need to find other coping mechanisms and things to do. The problem is that I'm out of ideas as to what I can accomplish.

Being in the hospital since September, I have been quite successful at keeping myself occupied by folding origami, creating friendship bracelets and window colors, blogging and journaling, reading etc. Yet there comes a point when even hobbies become redundant and you are looking for change. Don't get me wrong, I greatly enjoy all the previously mentioned activities, but I need variety.

Through my countless temper tantrums as a result of this 'boredom' - you can call it that - I was able to come up with new interests with the help of my parents. It felt good to get everything off of my chest regarding this cabin fever and the impression that the whole world is collapsing. Together we came up with knitting - perfect for these cold, chilly winter months - learning to play the guitar, and continuing to paint with acrylic colors outside of ergotherapy.

I'm pleased with our ideas, yet am always open to new suggestions. Thoughts anyone?

Station Makeover

With the start of the holiday season, which, for the hospital, means the closing of several of the stations here at the psychatric ward, and the end of the eight week cycle here at the 6B means that a severe change was bound to happen. And it did.

Plenty of friends departed yesterday as they were part of the cycle; the goodbyes that I had to deal with were hard - tears were streaming down my face like a waterfall for one person. The friendships that I formed with them are strong and will continue to be upheld, I will make sure of it. Numbers were exchanged, final words of encouragement were spoken and the tightest hugs were given out.

As 6B is one of the only open stations during the holidays, why I do not know, a long waiting list has already compiled with patients from other stations wanting one of the few remaining spots here. It feels weird to have so many new people all of a sudden. I liked our community before; the closeness that had built between us all. Now, with new faces, new stories - new everything really - that community no longer exists as it has to be built up again, from scratch.

I feel very uneasy and overwhelmed with the whole situation. I wish that our station could have stayed the way it was.

Courage is a Necessity

Wise words were vocalized to me today by a dear friend of mine here at the station, who is leaving tomorrow; that - 

Having courage does not mean that we are unafraid. Having courage and showing courage mean that we are able to face our fears. We are able to say: I have fallen but I will get up and fight.

I don't know why, but these words have stuck with me all day today. I can't seem to be able to get them out of my train of thought, probably for the better.

This saying goes to show that simply by having courage, it does not necessarily equate to always being optimistic, positive, bright - that whole end of the emotional spectrum. It highlights the fact that courage is something that enables us to keep going, regardless of if we are having a good or a bad day. For me, courage symbolizes that fighting spirit that is necessary in battling one's inner demons.

Like today, for example, didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. My therapy sessions in the morning were all cancelled so I had nothing to do. I was faced with four dreaded hours of nothingness here at the station. Thankfully I was able to thoroughly enjoy the book that I am currently devouring from beginning to end and the feelings of uneasiness that were plaguing me were diminished. Another roadblock that occurred to me today was the fact that the head doctor had determined that all supplement drinks have to be taken in front of the helpers and then you have to sit with them for thirty minutes afterwards. I am currently the only one taking three supplement drinks a day, or any for that matter, even though there is other anorexic people here. Now imagine how hard it is to sit there for 1.5 hours in total without having anything to do - I'm simply glared at by the helpers, being carefully observed. Finally, the fact that so many people are leaving the station tomorrow while I remain stuck here hit me hard today as well. So this list goes to show that today has not been my day. But did that stop me from fighting, from having the courage to persevere and keep going? NO. 

I followed my meal plan, drank my supplement drinks, dealt with the anxiety and uneasiness and battled those thoughts. That's right.

It's All Too Much At Times

Sometimes I can't handle it all -

The weight gain, the thoughts, the remarks from others here, all the appointments, the therapy sessions, the doctor's visits. 

Sometimes I just need a break and I was really, genuinely hoping, praying even, that I would be able to spend just a few days over the holiday season that's just around the corner at home with my loved ones. Yet I also know that the doctor's obviously know what they are doing and that I need the time here. I hate these conflicing concepts, but I'll have to get used to it sooner or later as it is impossible for me to influence the opinion of the doctor's. 

In a way, the hospital is my safe place - my haven that I can return to in tough times or when I feel that I am incapable of eating proper meals outside as I get too anxious, the thoughts are too loud, or whatever the reason is. That's all the positives that I can think of right now; but hey, at least I'm slowly starting to get my head around the situation of having to be in the hospital over Christmas.